| Eternity Absence; Some short story | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Apr 30 2005, 06:20 PM (190 Views) | |
| Clince | Apr 30 2005, 06:20 PM Post #1 |
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Retired Kamainiac
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Eternity Absence Making this up as I go, right now I have NO CLUE what its about.. ok here goes. The piercing wind was harsh. As always. I wondered if it would ever stop. Icecycles falling from the rooftops, and cold air always getting colder. Ahh, twas the north. "S'cold out today" Father said. "Why dont you shut the heck up?" He replied. He punched my father in the stomach, and left. "These ropes are starting to hurt." I mumbled, after he had left. " 'Plainen won't get ya no where, my son. We waited, waited for something to happen. Anything. It felt like hours. Then, something happened. The man came back, and he took my father away. "We'll meet again son, no matter where, we'll me again..." That was the last I ever saw of him. I though of all the good times we had, every good thing he had done for me, all the things he had tought me, and all the courage he had given me. I tear escaped my eye, and I felt a small icecycle form on my cheek. I was getting angry, and the more time went by, the more anger swelled up inside, and started taking control. Eventually, madness had obtained the control of my body. I screamed, as loud as I could. A man came running. Shut up, kid! He came up to me, about to give me a punch in the face. I pushed off the pole with my feet, and kicked him. He went to the ground, and came at me. My viens were pumping, and I screamed in anger. I riped the ropes off my hands. I took the ropes, and he punched me down. I tried to get up, but he kicked me. I looked up at him, and he wound up for another kick. I took the rope and wraped it around his leg, and pulled. He fell to the ground, and I took the rope, and wraped it around his throat. This is for mom.. I thought. He soon stopped moving and a pulse was no where to be found.. I ran away from the camp, crossing the icey tundra. Soon, I heard the noise of an engine getting louder. In the horizon, I saw them coming after me. I ran faster, and they were gaining on me in their A.T.V. They were so close now.. I knew I couldn't out run them. Then, I stopped running, because of feeling an excrushiating pain in my leg. I fell to the ground. The snow around me had been painted with maroon blood. "Nice shot!" I heard one say. I blacked out. Another chapter? Rating please |
| ~Yep, you read right. | |
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| zid | Apr 30 2005, 08:18 PM Post #2 |
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If you're reading this, I was bored.
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Hmm... 5/10. A bit confusing at the beginning, since you don't actually say the man is there, you kind of have to figure it out, but it has potential. However, I really would like to see a non-madness/demon/revenge story up here. |
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| Akakios | Apr 30 2005, 11:48 PM Post #3 |
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Unregistered
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Let me start with this: +'s -Nice enviroments and surroundings -Pretty nice speech, such as the Father's accent -I can practically hear the boy running across the tundra -'s -Barely gives anything on what happens -Doesn't even give the main character's name - Uhmmm ok?? What the heck is that supposed to mean? Overall Score: 6.7/10 I would suggest give more information over the whole thing. If the next chapter is going to be like this? Or is it going to be like this for a while? I might continue to read it to see what happens. Of course, I personally don't like weird stories with no given backgrounds on practically anything, then cutting off. It just makes me want to read more. I really honestly think; You should just... say a man was there... at first I thought the Kid punched him o.o... and I agree with Zid, you didn't even say the man was there O.o... ~Make another chapter: If it's anything like THIS, no. If it has more details and the such: Yes~ ~Anticipating the Next Chapter: Yes~ |
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| Clince | May 2 2005, 12:09 AM Post #4 |
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Retired Kamainiac
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thanks for the input boys. I wanted to tru this sort of this out, cause its usually how pro stories are written. They make you think, and let you come up with things from your own imagiation. They also purposly make you believe that one thing is happening, and then with a sentance they give a bit of information that changes the story. If the story is getting changed, they dont really go. Example of what they dont do: Me and my father were captured, There was a man. We were in the artic. My father has an accent and most likly was not from the artic. They also killed my mom. The man had a mustash and he looked like he wanted to kill us. See that just takes away from the reader. Now they no everything and theres no room left for 'I wonder..' or 'whats going on and what will happen next?' Ill think about the next chaper, maybe make it sometime. Yes, it will be more decriptive. Since its the second chapter. k later |
| ~Yep, you read right. | |
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