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Alamor Book; The book.
Topic Started: Apr 28 2005, 12:20 AM (179 Views)
Hardfire
Creator of Dragonia
[size=7]Alamor Book[/size]
By Hardfire


Chapter One: How it All Began

In the misty cold top of Mount Argo, 4 people stood, A warrior, a cleric, a mage, and a monk. These warriors have been climbing Mount Argo for aboit 3 days, They find a cavren near the top of Mount Argo were they took shelter in. They sat around a fire which they made. They talked and talked then the fire started to go out. "Look the fire is going out hey Jenny can you relight the fire?"said Nicholas. Jenny tried and used here fire magika to light the fire again, but it wouldn't relight. "What is this!?"said Jenny, she continued to relight the fire but eventually it went out. John the Monk,"This is just odd." Then at the entrance of the cave where to Dark Riders caming at them with the swords out. The party tried to stand up to them but they were killed and since after that day many people wandered what ever happened to them. In a small town called Lanor, a Mage will soon find out what has happened to them. In the mage's house, slept the mage. Ge woked up getting out of bed scratching his head and let off a big yawn. He went to his bathroom, toke a bucket of water and pored it on him. Then dried himself off with towel. Then he got dress. When he got out side he say alot of people gioing to the meeting house. He went to the meeting house to see what was going on. But when he got there the mayor looked at him. Mayor:"Ahhhh, Mr. Alamor We have been waiting for you."Alamor:"What?! Me why were you guys waiting for me?" Mayor:"You know the missing party well we have been pondering on who should go into the mountains. Then we came across people who are able to defend themselfs. You are the only one in the village that can use Magika so we are sending you into Mount Argo."Alamor:"What!!!!!!!!!!!! There is no way I can go I can only use basic Magika and the increase of Monsters could kill me! Who know what they are like! I never even used my magika on a living target." Mayor:"We have chosen you to go and you will do it or live the rest of your life in jail."
Alamor then went back to his house and grabbed his staff and before he could leave Lanor, the whole village came and said goodbye. Then off went Alamor, he traveled through the fields but when he came to a dirt road a few slimes sat there in his way. The slimes then jumped at Alamor, knocking Alamor down. Alamor got back up and then started to enchant a fire spell. He through the flame at a slime in the middle. Then he did the same thing to the rest.


(Will continue this soon.)
~Rageye Under New Construction~
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Akakios
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Uhh?

3/10

This is boring, plus it switches on the speech, lots of grammar errors, plus I don't understand it. I wouldn't bother writing another chapter, either that or improve. Sorry.
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zid
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If you're reading this, I was bored.
Always the pessimist, aren't you Neb?

I give it a 3.8/10. This seems a bit, well... Rushed. The plot is fairly weak, and the look of the text is unappatizing. Put in paragraphs, maybe some bolding, italics, etc. I would've spent a bit more time on this, if it was a bit longer and in more detail it could be good. Paragraphs are the biggest thing. No one wants to read one big, formidable-looking chunk of text. If you break it up, it seems more manageable and readable, and it reduces the chance of the reader getting lost. Grammar is also a problem. Everything seems to run together, and there is little, if any, charcter description. Why was the party up on the mountain in the first place? What does everyone look like?

Sorry to kind of go all savage on this review, but I think this story, if done right, could be good, and I think you have a right to know what I didn't like so you can improve. Mainly edit a bit, add some description, and expand on the plot.
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Deleted User
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I quit reading after the 3rd line. XD too boring
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Akakios
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@ Zid- Everyone is so tip-top about being optimisitc, aren't they? Am I the only one that's not afraid to express my TRUE opnions? Lighten up Zid.
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zid
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If you're reading this, I was bored.
I did express my true opinions, but I actually said why I didn't like it and gave suggestions to improve. I figure if you're going to tell the guy it sucks, tell him why.
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Akakios
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I did... just not in great detail.
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