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| My novel i have not finished; kinda lame, feedback please | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Mar 3 2005, 11:27 PM (340 Views) | |
| Akakios | Mar 5 2005, 08:48 PM Post #21 |
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Personally I liked Tweekers story. Make another chapter of it or something... also make Riko and... dudes name (to lazy to look) mate! Ha that would be good XD |
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| Hollywood | Mar 5 2005, 10:36 PM Post #22 |
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hey man, u gotta wait. i think i got another chapter ready. yeah. let me edit it in. i dont feel like double posting, or posting it here... |
| You'd never believe I still exist.... | |
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| Akakios | Mar 5 2005, 10:42 PM Post #23 |
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Once again Tweeker made yet another fasicnating chapter! 9.5/10 MSJ, your Story kinda makes me queezy. (I only read the prologue lol) but I love the details! 9/10 And now... dun dun dun (Yeah right) The shocking chapter to the Serial Killer: Chapter 5 Objects Jen Awoke in a hosptal. "Jen?" Said A voice, most likely Jeff. "Jen? Are you awake?" Asked Jeff excidetly. "Yeah..." Replied Jen. "Where did-" Jen Paused, than remember seeing brief description of the serial killer. "He... had a blue and white mask... kinda looked like a football helmet... but older..." Said Jen. "Who? Who had a Helmet?" Said Jeff, looking excited, thinking Jen had caught the serial killer. "The Serial Killer..." Said Jen. "What kind was it?" Asked Jeff. "Well it had a bluish tent to it... and i think i saw a little yellow. And some writing, not sure what it said," Replied Jen. Jen had the flashback... the shooting... the kiss... Jeff... she started having a seizure. "Doctor! Doctor!" Yelled Jeff, "Someone get a Doctor!" That night... Jen had recovered safely. It is 2:00 AM and Jeff spent thenight at the hospital. Jen woke up Jeff. "Wha-what?" Jeff was obviously deep into sleep. "Oh great! Jen your alive!" Whispered Jeff. They talked and Jeff asked what had happend. After he heard he simply said "oh" 15 minutes later... "Oh Jen, hang on I need to use the restroom," Said Jeff. 2 minuted later... CRAAAAAACK! "Who's there?" Asked Jen. The Serial Killer Ran into the room... with that same mask on. Jen turned on the light and saw the writing that Aafel was talking about. It HAD to be Leo Laio. The Serial Killer Laughed. "Wh-what are you going to do to me?" Just than Jeff had walked into the room. "Oh sh-" Yelled Jeff, and The Serial Killer darted him a look and laughed again. Jeff just so happened to have a pistol on him. He pointed the gun at him... point blank range, he couldn't miss! He pulled the trigger and... Cliffhanger I know... kinda... but... I tried... I... Uh.... SHUT UP! Nah jk. I enjoy writing stories anyway sooooo *Edit* I will now post the latest chapters in this post. Now Chapter 6 is ready: Chapter 6 Can We Stop the Serial Killer? He pulled the trigger and... *click* "What? No bullets?!" Yelled Jen. "I-" Said Jeff, but was shut up by the Serial Killer. He pulled out a big shotgun to Jeff's head. "Jen Run!" Said Jeff. Jen was very weak, so she untied her IV and Tried getting out of bed but couldn't so easily. The shotgun was now to Jen's body. Jeff Hit The Serial Killer on the head and he reacted quickly by hitting Jeff with the butt of the shotgun. While The Serial Killer was distracted she started to run as fast as she could, which wasn't that fast. She started to get used to running, and started running at normal speed. Meanwhile... Jeff had always kept some type of back up weapon. This time it was a small combat knife. He took it and jammed it into the killer's right leg. He screamed in pain and decided this was it. He took his amazingly huge shotgun and pointed it to Jeff's head then- Jen was panting as she had to get to the top floor since that was where the weapon case was. She panted and than went to the elevator. She pressed the button that said "floor 3" And it took her in about 5 minutes. She ran and turned right and than kept going north than she turned left and found the weapon room. She saw Tec-9's, smg's, sniper rifles, m4's, pistols, shotguns, tomy guns... everything! "Why in the heck would a hospital be loaded on weaponry?" She shrugged to herself after saying to herself and than took some weapons and went back to the elevator. The gun was pointed at Jeff's head... and than The Serial Killer taunted, "Any last words, good friend?" "No... except that I love Jen, and she will kick your ass," He said smartly. "Are you just ASKING for a death wish Jeff?" Jen was there just in time. "What?!" Exclaimed the Serial Killer. Jen took the tec-9's and blew away at him. She got him 3 or 4 times, mostly in the stomach, and legs. He jumped out the window and got snuck into the night. "Can we even stop this serial killer?" Asked Jeff. I personally like how Jen saves Jeff's ass... but that's just me XD Okay I just finished Chapter 7... 9:48... yep yep... mm March the 5rh... yep yep Chapter 7 Rocks "Of course we can..." Said Jeff. "You sure? I mean, he almost killed you," Said Jen smirking. "Why are you... bad isn't it?" Said Jeff. "Almost kinda like blackmail..." Said Jen, trailing off. She smilied devilish, and so did Jeff. They walked out and went back to Jen's house. The next day... "So you think it would be kinda useless to still be working here, when there are no more staff members," Said Jeff. "Well Hey, we are the only people that can protect Shiloh!" Exclaimed Jen. "Well yeah, but, don't you think we can be independent? I mean now we have to pay for the building expenses and crap," Said Jeff, "Yeah I guess we could," replied Jen. The Phone rang, and Jen answered it: "Hello?" "Come to the old mountain pass... it's me Aafel!" And the phone hung up. "Who was it?" Asked Jeff, seeing the perplexed look on Jen's face. "Aafel, let's go to the old mountain pass..." When they got there... "So glad you could make it!" Said Aafel. "Mhmm, so what do you want to show us?" Asked Jeff, looking a little ticked off. "Look, the serial killer smashed someone with a giant rock... I can't just lift it up... help me lift it!" Said Aafel. They all pitched in to help... the body... it was... "Leo??" Said Aafel. "Well it's not Laio," Said Jeff. "It leaves Aafel... and... no one else really, but who knows? Could be a random hobo," Said Jen. "So glad you could make it!" Exclaimed a particular voice... I wonder who it is :lol: |
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| Hollywood | Mar 6 2005, 05:17 AM Post #24 |
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awsome! keep goin! thanks for the pos. feedback! |
| You'd never believe I still exist.... | |
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| Cid | Mar 6 2005, 02:26 PM Post #25 |
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Board Member Level 1
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Too many writers!!!! I might as well post my book to... [size=14]Spydyrz[/size] By Jesse Vetters Nah. not now. but you know the title! |
![]() Okay, so I'm keeping the Sloganizer... | |
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| Akakios | Mar 6 2005, 05:15 PM Post #26 |
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Unregistered
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I will now post Chapter 8 here, and ty tweeker for the feedback
Chapter 8 The Average Killer "Why now?!" Exclaimed Jeff. "I just see you saw one of my latest deathes yet... well... 2nd to latest," Said Serial Killer with a sense of confidence. "2nd Latest death?" Asked Aafel. Serial Killer charged at Aafel and stuck a huge-ass knife through Aafel, which was pointing through the outside of his back. "Oh Sh!t!" Yelled Jen. "Run!" Exclaimed Jeff. They ran for almost 20 minuted when they looked behind them and sighed of relief... "Whew, we lost him," Said Jeff. They called for help on Jen's cell phone and looked at each other, "Oh yeah... we are the only police," Said Jeff. "Crap," Mumbled Jen. 2 hours later "Man I'm starving" Said Jeff, they decided to come down the way they escaped. "Think he forgot about use?" Said Jen. "Not THAT easily," Jen & Jeff looked behind them and Serial Killer was standing behind them. Jeff pulled out his back-up weapon, which this time was amini-revolver, and shot willingly. The Serial Killer was shot 3 times and than ran. "YOu think he has special armor?" Said Jeff, "No... I just think that gun was weak," Said Jen looking at Jeff. "Hey you shot 2 tec-9's at him," Said Jeff, making an excellent point. "True... well yeah whatever, let's hurry down here before he comes back again," Said Jen Well, that's it. Sorry for the shortness of this chapter. I hope it was good to you. Tanks!! !! !! Hehehe |
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