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| My novel i have not finished; kinda lame, feedback please | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Mar 3 2005, 11:27 PM (339 Views) | |
| Akakios | Mar 3 2005, 11:27 PM Post #1 |
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Unregistered
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The Serial Killer By: Michael Agrella ***Contents*** Prologue 1. Chainsaws 2. Claws 3. Tazers 4. Guns 5. Objects 6. Can we stop the Serial Killer? 7. Rocks 8. The Average Killer 9. Aafel Jernet 10. The Killer, Hiding? 11. Survive 3 Days... 12. Day 1 13. The Night 14. Narrow Escape 15. Day 2 16. I want to Leave? 17. Luncheon 18. Into the Dusk 19. Sleep? Who Needs sleep? 20. Day 3 21. 5 Deaths, 1 Hour 22. I Am The Killer! Epilogue Short Preview of "The Evil Castle" Chapter 1: Just A Tower... Prologue Jennifer Jarnet is a normal 25 year old woman, and is also Shiloh Hill Police Department's (SHPD) best detective. As she has these strange reports of wierd violent deaths... she decides to check on them. She soon realizes a strange, German man named, Aafel Jernet, thinks that the Serial Killer will most likely be in a strange house... and it's 2 years later, and she want's to announce the Mind-Bending Story, Before she goes on her next wierd adventure. (Which will most likely not be the next book) Chapter 1 Chainsaws "Got anything for me Jeff?" Asked Jen, "No nothing... We really need to get up to things" Said Jeff Gregerson, Jen's Partner in Crime. Jeff was 30, his body was built by the angels, with brown hair, lots of humour, and sometimes could be quite goofy. "So how did this man die anyway?" "Chainsaw wounds to the leg, arm, and half of his brain is missing..." replied Jen, "Half of it?" "Yes, apparently his head was wide open when they found him," said Jen. "So we are dealing with a huge nutcase?" said Jeff. "We sure are," replied Jen, paying attention to the computer more than Jeff. "Exactly... where did he die?" asked Jeff. "Found him dead near the City Park," said Jen, paying deep attention to her computer, "Apparently his was dragged from the sidewalk, we found some blood tracks through the grass, and leading to what looked like a chicane of trees," answered Jen. "What exactly are you doing on that computer?" Said Jeff practically ignoring her words and watching her on the computer. "Looking up the chicane of trees on the local satellite," replied Jen. "There it is!" exclaimed Jeff after 3 minutes. They were looking through and found a track of blood... only leading OUT of the chicane. "Hmm, we have to check that out," Said Jen, "I don't remember the blood tracking OUT of the Chicane?" Murmured Jen. "Say something?" Asked Jeff "No.. no..." replied Jen. When they got their... they found nothing in particular... and no blood. "Wrong signal maybe?" Said Jeff. "Maybe..." Said Jen. "I have no insatible taste for blood, but i believe that the blood mark is right over there," Replied a man. "Who are you?" Asked Jeff. "I am Aafel Jernet," said Aafel, "-and I believe my accent isn't all the great for the Amercians, but I have seen this serial killer!" "Really?" Asked Jen, thinking Aafel was lying. "Yes I have! He has Short Blond hair, about 5'10, and he has a blue & yellow mask that says 'If your looking up at me this close; your dead!' And he also killed my dearest friends... Adrian Podiac," "Adrian?" muttered Jen."Maybe the dead man we found was Adrian?" Muttered Jen. "Uh Jen, The first step of insainty is talking to yourself" Smirked Jeff. "Bite me," Jen said, not really meaning it. Jeff laughed silently. Sometimes Jen thinks he looks a little bit like Nick Lachey, with the hair and all. But he is just Jeff Gregerson. But Aafel, was an older man... looked Jewish, or German, but not entirely sure. "Well, let's follow the trail of blood out of chicane," Said Jeff. When they reached out of the chicane, theyf ound another dead body! Jen Gasped, Aafel stood there silently, and Jeff looked kinda dead looking. "H-How did he die?" Asked Jen, as Jeff was checking the body. "Scracthes to the head... eye is missing.... a chunk of his finger ripped off... not a pretty site," Said Jeff, "But my guess would be my claws..." Said Jeff, "Claws?!" Exclaimed Jen Chapter 2 Claws "But... why claws?" Asked Jen. "Seems this guy is a schizo..." Said Jeff somewhat playing around, and the other half being serious. "Well it IS a serial killer," peeped Aafel, Jen and Jeff darted a look at him. "Well he is, I mean, come on, this guy can kill with some type of... you know... knife?" "It's NOT Michael Myers," Said Jen, if it WAS Michael Myers, Jen would of literally pissed on herself. "Well then who the Dark place is it?" Exclaimed Jeff, out of nowhere. "My guess would be on... Leo Laio," Said Aafel. "Laio?" Muttered Jeff. "You know muttering to yourself is the first step of insainty!" Said Jen being sarcastic and mocking Jeff's voice... which was also pretty hard since it was a pure man voice. Jeff just darted a look at her, and she snickered. "Anyway, I think I've heard of this man named Laio... wasn't he the one who reported that file on Murder in the front lawn?" Asked Jeff. "Oh yeah... wierd man... he's almost as short as Yoda," Said Jen. Jen was a humongous Star Wars fan. She had played every game, and watched all the movies that were out then, and whenever a new game or movie came out, Jen dragged Jen to buy or watch the movie/game. "I hate it when you use Star Wars References," Said Jeff. "Well hey! He was that short!" Exclaimed Jen, "Yeah you were right he WAS that short..." Said Jeff, obviously disagreeing. Actually Leo was more taller. Maybe 5'4 or 5'3... he wasn't a 2'0 man, Jeff will tell you that. "C'mon, we need to get an analysis on the Autopsy," said Jeff, not wanting to argue on the whole 'Man-Is-Shorter-Than-Yoda' debate. Thats all i have XD Please rate 1/10 |
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| Hollywood | Mar 3 2005, 11:41 PM Post #2 |
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yay! a novel! I wana read it! oh wait. i just did.
6/10
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| You'd never believe I still exist.... | |
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| Dorito | Mar 3 2005, 11:46 PM Post #3 |
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Slice.
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I would give it 6/10 aswell. But completley off topic, try pulling the
face. It is so unnatural its not even funny.... yet it is fully understood on the internet
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| MSJ | Mar 3 2005, 11:51 PM Post #4 |
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If I were to find this in a store, I would read the Prologue and say "This book sucks. It might get better, but I'm not gona find out." 4/10. Read mine! (Also not finished) [size=12]Second Life[/size] [size=6]By Sammy Jelin[/size] [size=10]Prologue[/size] Life or Death? As I stare at the ceiling of the hospital room, I am unsure of my future. This life is ending, and this body will die, but will I die with it? I do not talk of an afterlife, heaven or Dark place, for I do not believe in these thing; but I talk of reliving the life that I will soon finish. Shall I die and be gone forever? Or, shall I be reborn into the past with all the knowledge of this future? Only time will tell. If I am indeed born again, when will this second life start. As a sperm? An Egg? Or at the very moment of my birth. I will soon know. I will know or die. If I do die, I am happy for my 92 years of life. Now I will see, see life or death. It is my time to go; I can feel death approaching. [size=10]Chapter I[/size] Life in the hospital... Again Blood! Blood! All I see is blood! I vial of blood! An ocean of blood! I can't see how I can live with all this blood! So much blood I can't breath, yet somehow I'm alive. I know, I know how I am surviving, but I just can't think in all this blood! It's too dark to see but I know there's blood! And the pushing, pushing so hard I feel like the wall around me will brake. I can't get enough space, I'm cramped and I need to stretch; but there's no room to stretch. So I kick and I kick and I kick again; and I know that it's mean, put I feel if I don't my joints will become stuck. Day after day, I am in this blood. Blood is nothing like water, and it feels like I'm swimming in a pile of goop. Even when I open my eyes it's too dark to see. And when my eyes are open, blood rushes in and at them and I shut my eyes as fast as I can. But that is one of my minor mistakes. One time I almost tried to take a breath, and that would have killed me. All that blood in my lungs, they would explode. I can feel the wall around me thinning, thinning, thinning so thin I'm sure I'll brake through; and now I can feel a tear. A grabbing, a pulling as the walls go red with light. And I am free, I can breath. And I can remember. I was kept alive by an umbilical cord, one that is about to be cut, and then I must breath on my own. I have the impulse to say "THANK GOD!" But I know that I must not. They would find it odd for someone only 3 minute in age to talk English. I can feel the umbilical cord being cut and now I know I must breath on my own. Stage one is complete. I have been reborn. I can see my mother now. Long smooth blond hair, glassy blue eyes, and nice smooth skin. I would inherent both her eyes and hair, but not her devotion to religion. Time to start to build a better life for my self. I have all I'll need. Day by day I sit here. I am immensely tired though I sleep for hours. All the doctors around here thinks I'm a mute because I don't cry or babble, but what can I do? I don't feel like crying, and I don't know the language of a baby. I feel like I should tell my mom, but I can't well do that; if I were to say "Don't worry mom, I can talk." She would merely pass out in surprise. I find my mind often wanders off on useless childish subjects, but I am only 3 weeks in age, what would you expect? I have found out one question, I was reborn at the moment when my body first gained consciousness. There is one more thing to find out, can I bring my possessions from my past life to this one? And if I do, can I use that same magic to hide them? I will find out now. With a flash of green, I summon a small piece of paper, and with a blue flash it is gone. But this power is dangerous, if ideas of the future were found in this time, things could go very, very wrong. Mom cried today, and it's all my fault. I had decided to sleep during the day so I can catch up on my studies and get some exercise at night. But now mom thinks I'm too week to do anything but sleep. Everything is going wrong. And to top it all off, my brain hasn't developed enough to learn at the normal level. For now, I decided just to review what I learned in my past life. I feel dirty doing this to mom, but this is the peek time for my development. Mom says she would do anything to help me, and she is always praying. However, I know how she can really help me. I'm almost to the point where I can start to eat on my own. So far, all I've had is breast milk; but soon I'll be having normal food too. When I get home, I'll give my mom a secret recipe. This recipe, combined with the perfect amount of exercise, will give me the perfect amount of protean, carbohydrate, nutrients, vitamins and minerals for someone my age. They've kept me here longer then normal because of my "Tied Condition," but I'm going home soon. Dad came in to pick me up as mom and I were leaving the hospital. He can in a black leather jacket with his brown hair ruffled as normal. He had green eyes and look good for his age of 39. As soon as he got here he apologized to mom for not visiting and said he was just too busy. Mom forgave him and now we're on the ride home. But this peace between my parents won't last long. [size=10]Chapter II[/size] Back at home Things are going quite well. I have put my recipe around the house and mom found it. Now she has be feeding it to me. On top of that now that I am is home a have more time to my self to exercise and study. I feel it is essential at this point to explain what has happened. In my past life I cast a spell so when I died I would be reborn at the start of the same life I died in. I would come back remembering everything I learned, and at any thing can bring some of my possessions from my past life into this one. I can also hide the item back in my past life. Now I know what your thinking, but it's true. Magic is everywhere. It's energy is always floating around and can be harness at any time. Of course there a limitations. The main one is that no one can find out a spell is cast other then the person who cast it. If you try to cast a spell the other people will realize is impossible, it just won't work. With this spell, I am the only one who knows that I have knowledge of the future. The problem is if someone found out. If that happened, I don't know what will happen to me and this life. My mom has see me move around some more now. She says my movements are odd, but she's happy I'm moving. I spend my spare time listening to some music from my past life. My MP3 player is so small no one notices. Dad's first arrest is in 3 weeks. He'll be caught drinking and driving. But there's more to it then that. He started to drink because he was dumped, but not my mom. During my time at the hospital he met a girl by the name of "Joan." It happened. News reached us at 11:00 PM. Although I knew this was coming, I was still full of fear. Dad had another "late night at the office." Mom thought I was asleep, but I wasn't. When she came in to see if I was asleep and tell me she had to go, she almost caught me doing sit ups. After she found I wasn't asleep, she said "Joey, you my not understand this, but mommy needs to go now. I'll be back soon, so don't worry." I nodded out if instinct, and she just stood there shocked. Then she walked out. Dad won't be back for two days. And things are only going to get worse. At least I'll have the whole day to study. It's so hard to work when I have this under developed brain, but I'm still one fifth of the way done with a heath science major in a collage in the year 2086. After heath science I'll move on to program design. Dad is back, and furious. He says it's all mom's fault he wont to jail, but never says why. Mom, of course, being the religious nut she is, just asks God why dad is doing this. She just says "Oh God. Why has Zack turned on me? What have I done to deserve this? Please God, tell me." I suppose she expects to hear "Sarah Skylark, your husband just needs some time to relax." My personal belief is that God is just something people decide exists to explain the unexplainable. Wait, I can here mom coming in. "Dear," she says "Are you awake? Your father and I, well, we've been having a rough time." She continues as she takes a few large strides towards me. "But we'll work it out. Don't be scared if you hear him yelling." This was a lie, they wouldn't work it out. "The doctors say your one of the smartest babies born. Under standing me at this age. There is something you should know. Your a mute. That means you won't be able to talk." I shook me head no. "It's true. I've never hear you make a sound. But I sure with your intellect you'll find a way around it." "What are you trying to do now?" My dad said as he walked in. "Trying to turn him agents me to?" "No" I said. I was surprised to hear my voice. So different then the one at the end of my life. "He can talk?" dad said "Odd isn't it? I head from someone that he was a mute. but I guess someone is a complete and total lire." "I didn't know!" She pleaded. "This is the first sound he's made! It must be God answering my prayer." "It's that convenient for you. God always coms in just at the right time to save you from doing anything wrong." This was suposed to happen. I had already changed my life. And this was not what I wanted. "I wasn't trying to trick you!" screamed mom. "Seems like you were" "What have I done to you?" "You got me in Jail." "How?" "Girl Friend," I blurted innocently. There was a pause. "I think we're past her being my girl friend now." Dad said in an unsteady voice. "No," I said. "He's right dear," said my mom, "we're married now." Saying anymore would revile too much, so I had to wait. "We shouldn't talk about it in front of Joey," dad said, "we should talk somewhere else." And now they're walking out. I can still hear parts of the conversation. And I can tell dad is getting more and more drunk. Pleading from mom, screaming from dad, Why did they even leave my room. "I didn't try to lie to you." "Is that a fact?" "I'm sereos. I never wanted to heart you." "You got me in jail!" "How did I do that?" "Oh, then it's my fult?" "Well..." "Why don't you just stay out of my bisness?" "You stay out of mine!" Amasing. Mom isn't suposed to stand up to dad for an other two years. Dad is clearly shocked because he's not responding. "Well, I would, if you, stayed, out of mine." Dad said in a slow sluered voice. "Your Drunk!" "So now I'm drunk?" (Ends there) |
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<table border=0 cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 height=85 width=200><tbody><tr height=85><td align="right" width=3><marquee behavior="alternate" direction="up" height=85 vspace=0>|</marquee></td><td><marquee behavior="alternate" direction="up" height=85 vspace=0><marquee behavior="alternate" height=85 vspace=0>o</marquee></marquee></td><td align="left" width=3><marquee behavior="alternate" direction="up" height=85 vspace=0>|</marquee></td></tr></tbody></table> I am so good at this game | |
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| Deleted User | Mar 3 2005, 11:57 PM Post #5 |
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it's okay. |
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| MSJ | Mar 3 2005, 11:59 PM Post #6 |
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I think I'm getting dizzy
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Who's? 'cus I don't think you could read mine that fast. |
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<table border=0 cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 height=85 width=200><tbody><tr height=85><td align="right" width=3><marquee behavior="alternate" direction="up" height=85 vspace=0>|</marquee></td><td><marquee behavior="alternate" direction="up" height=85 vspace=0><marquee behavior="alternate" height=85 vspace=0>o</marquee></marquee></td><td align="left" width=3><marquee behavior="alternate" direction="up" height=85 vspace=0>|</marquee></td></tr></tbody></table> I am so good at this game | |
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| Hollywood | Mar 4 2005, 01:10 AM Post #7 |
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there should be a seperate forum for this. ya know, for stories or w.e |
| You'd never believe I still exist.... | |
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| Deleted User | Mar 4 2005, 01:19 AM Post #8 |
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Deleted User
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there should tho I think writing is art. |
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| Hollywood | Mar 4 2005, 01:30 AM Post #9 |
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Lets put a poll. If enough ppl like the idea maybe we should suggest it. Since i suggested it in the first place, then I will put up the poll. by the way, here is my story. The Last Underground Prologue There was a time when man was once built on technology. But there was a secret world unknown to mankind. The race and world of elves. Elves were graceful, beautiful, talented, skilled, graceful, powerful, and nearly immortal. The parallel universe of Second Earth was ruled by the oldest race in all of the dimensions. But unlike the elves themselves their planet was dieing. Looking for a new home they came to First Earth. First Earth was ruled by Machines. First Earth was opposite of Second Earth. It was dark and polluted. The elves skipped over it. They came to Third Earth. The last Earthlike dimension. Third Earth was nearly a clone of Second Earth, except for technology. The technology was everywhere computers, games, media, and everything else you could think of. But the elves were desperate. They raged war with the human race and demolished technology and created their own forests, villages, and skies. The last of the humans found one way out. They went underground. No elf would venture more than ten feet down into the earth. They were safe four miles under the earth. They built one city. The last haven of mankind, named Utopia. For two hundred years humans rebuilt their technology and lives. Never venturing to the surface. Chapter I Daniel was an average boy from Utopia. He was tall, slim, and slightly built. No one would ever guess what power was hid within him. Neither would he, or his best friend Riko. Riko and Daniel had been best friends since as long as they could remember. She was slightly shorter than him, beautiful, and more and more he noticed how her flat body was becoming more and more curved into womanhood. It was almost a normal day in Utopia. Riko and Daniel were sitting on a bench, making fun of old people and hassling young ones. It just so happened that they picked on two tall men in dark overcoats. “Hey punk, watch it.” Said the tallest one when Riko had thrown a stone at him. He was tall, blonde, had short hair and was built. But his aura was not human. “Riko, lets just leave this one alone” Daniel told her in a silent voice just behind her. She turned around on him and nodded in agreement. Her eyes stared into his for a brief moment. Was their passion? Was their an attraction? Daniel couldn’t tell. She looked away to quickly. Maybe feeling the same intensity. She was pulled away by the other man in an overcoat. This one was shorter, and had raven hair. He said something in a strange language. The other man came and nodded. He grabbed Riko’s arm and pulled her towards him. “Daniel!” She cried. “Riko! Hey, let her go!” He replied as he kicked one of the men in the shins. The man he had kicked muttered a silent curse and did something weird with his hands. Daniel seemed to freeze. His body floated into the air. It shook violently as if he was having a seizure. He screamed out in pain as his shirt was ripped off and what seemed to be wings began to grow out of his back, He curled into a fetal position and screamed. Then he stopped. He fell to the ground withering in pain from whatever had done this to him. “Oh my god!” The tall man said, “This is not good. He is a Tristy. We need to take the girl back to the surface.” The dark haired man agreed and they both turned around and walked away, dragging a screaming Riko behind them. Leaving the cold boy behind. Chapter II Daniel awoke from a three day trance. He groaned and tried to turn over on his back. Something stopped him. He reached back and felt his wings that he acquired three days ago. Wings? He thought, I’ve never had wings before. Where am I anyway? What happened? Where is Riko? His mind raced and eventually he fell back into a peaceful slumber. He awoke with a start. It was all coming back to him Riko, in the park, the men, the pain, and the wings. How had this happened? He groaned and turned over. The wings! They were gone. He sat up and looked around his settings. The walls were bleak with few electronic items and a computer. An old man sat in a corner. “So you are finally up?” He asked suddenly. The noise startled Daniel. Who was this guy? “Who are you? What happened? Where is Riko?” The old man sighed and began to speak as if he had memorized the answers to his questions already. “I am called Jaxs. I am a Tristy. What happened was Elves came to Utopia. And for some reason kidnapped the beautiful girl you call Riko. One of them did a spell on you…. it awoke your darker side…. your Tristy side.” Daniel sat there as he let it all sink in. “What’s a Tristy, and what can I do to get Riko back?” The old man named Jaxs sighed again. “A Tristy is a superhuman. Capable of using magic, they usually have white wings, yours are black. Black is a symbol of power. And as for getting Riko back. You most likely have to well go to the surface. Not just any part of the surface, the temple of the elfish culture, Sanatoria City.” Daniel looked around. He stood up and stumbled a bit. “How do I get there?” Chapter III Daniel stood on the brink of the surface. The last few hours had gone by quick. He had talked to Jaxs about the surface, learned how to do magic, learned how to wield an energy sword, a laser bow, learned how to speak Elfish, learned about how to survive on the surface, learned how to fly with his black wings, and learned where Riko was. Now he was ready to go and find her. The surface was bright. So bright he had to put his hands over his eyes. He began to walk towards Sanatoria City, the home of the elves, and where Riko was being kept. He only wished he knew why she was being kept. Maybe as bait? Maybe for testing? Who knew. He certainly didn’t know anything about it. He kept walking mile after endless mile. Eventually he came to a dense forest. Against his conscious he walked in. Immediately his surrounding changed. It was now dark, green, and humid. His wings folded around his body to protect him from the humidity, something he was not used to it. Especially since he had lived in Utopia under the ground for his fifteen years of life. At night he stopped by a big tree that might have been Oak. HE sat down at its base and closed his eyes. How long have I traveled? How much further do I have? He sighed and closed his eyes. He reached out with his magic to check for anything. He felt a new presence. It was not human, nor was it elf, nor Tristy. It was on him before he knew what had happened. He felt a jolt of pain go through his leg. He noticed the cut on his leg. He jumped into the air and drew his energy sword. He slowed time and jumped in front of the creature and looked at it, right before cutting it in half. He looked at the creature. He decided to call it a half pig, half human breed. Not sure why it was on Third Earth. He decided not to sleep next to the big Oak. After walking another mile towards Sanatoria City before he found another place to rest. |
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| Akakios | Mar 4 2005, 01:42 PM Post #10 |
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To tweeker: Wow I love fantasy novels! 10/10 To MSJ: I have not yet finished reading your story, but so far I'll give it a 8/10 Okay, here's the third chapter of The Serial Killer... Enjoy... I guess Chapter 3 Tazers "What did we get for the autopsy?" Asked Jeff, who looked anxious to know. A couple minutes passed... "Hello?" Jeff was getting worried, "Anyone here?" Just then Jen came through the door. "Jeff! Sorry, the whole office found something peculiar!" Cried Jen, "Follow me!" Jeff mumbled something offensive and followed Jen. They twisted and turned through the back forest of the Shiloh Woods and saw a deep gully filled about all the way to the top. "We're gonna jump," said Jen, "I'm not jumping through that mess!" Protested Jeff. You'd think Jen wouldn't wanna jump... but Jeff had a childhood memory of drowning, that and he couldn't swim. "If you fall, I'll rescue you," Said Jen. "Uh okay, but If I fall, its your fault. Jeff made it... but Jen didn't! "You alright Jen?!" Exclaimed Jeff, looking a little worried. "Yes I'm fine," she struggled to say that since her head kept bobbing up and down, and she didn't have any balance. "Just go straight until you see the crossroads, than west toward the-" Jeff interuppted Jen, "No, I'm watching you just in case," Jeff said, and they didn't speak until Jen finally got her balance and grabbed on the edge of where Jeff was watching her. "Need help?" Asked Jeff, "Would be nice!" Said Jen sarcastically. Jeff helped her up and she was wet. "C'mon, I'll dry off later," protested Jen. They went through the crossroads and went the back way through the winding forest the Shiloh residents called the "Treetall" Woods. The Tree's were extremly tall, almost as big as a redwood, but redwoods don't grow good when it's winter in Idaho. They barely got through it and they saw a clearing. "Wait here," Said Jen. 14 seconds later Jen Screamed. "What?!" Exclaimed Jeff. Than Realizing what had happend. 19 people lay dead in the clearing. 7 were dead by electric shock, the other 12 were killed by bullets to the head. Lol, I have a "year" of posts = 365
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| Akakios | Mar 4 2005, 02:03 PM Post #11 |
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Sorry to double post... but I have just finished the romanitc-yet creepy chapter 4 of The Serial Killer. Please rate dealing with chapter 3 and 4. Chapter 4 Guns 2 days had passed since the incident in the woods. "Are you STILL freting over that... 'accident'" Asked Jeff, noticing Jen had a tear running down her cheek. "Hey don't cry... it will be alright..." Said Jeff Hugging her. "You-" Jen paused, then continued (she most likely paused since they were still hugging) "You really think-" Jen Sobbed, "So?" "Of course... I mean... c'mon, we outsmarted this... serial killer, and we can continue to do it!" Exclaimed Jeff, but didn't yell loud, but you could sense the excitement in his voice. Jeff looked deeply into Jen's eyes... than they ended up kissing. Now this wasn't passionate, nor romantic... it was a kiss of friendship... wasn't it? 8 hours after the kiss, it is 11:30 PM. Jeff knocked on the door of Jen's one-room house, Across the street from Jeff's house. "Jeff?" Asked Jen. "I think your here about the... kiss, right?" Said Jen. "Maybe, but something even more desperate..." Said Jeff pausing. "I couldn't sleep," Said Jeff. "Wanna pull up some covers and sleep here tonight?" Asked Jen. "Uhhh..." Jeff's thoughts were rushing back and forth between his mind. "Sure..." Said Jeff... actually if Jeff gave an honest answer it would of been, "Kiss me again" or "Let's sleep in the same bed" To be honest, Jeff actually LOVED Jen. "What's wrong?" Said Jen. "I-" Said Jeff, than realizing something slipped out of his mouth: "I have feelings for you," Said Jeff. "..." Jen looked astonished at Jeff. "I... do to, I guess..." Said Jen, obviously she loved him deeply also, but she's not going to burst so easily, and Jeff knows that too. He's known her for 7 years now, and he knows how strong Jen is mentally AND physically. Then they stared into each other's eyes... and kissed. Not Passionate nor romantic... both. 2:30... Jeff wakes up in Jen's Bed... Jeff Looks at Jen... "Naked?" He whispers. He had a blank look on his face when he realized what happend. "I scored?" Mumbled Jeff... than subtley, put on his boxers, pants, and a shirt and shoes, and tiptoed through the room. "Going?" Asked Jen. "Yeah... I had a nice night," Said Jeff Smiling, but He doesn't think Jen could of saw it. "Yeah me to," Said Jen, than saying their goodbyes, Jen fell asleep and Jeff Exited. When he opened the door and slammed it, Jen Heard it. But then... the Door Opened and Slammed shut again... this time Jen heard the door lock. "Jeff?" Asked Jen. No answer... There was a gun shot... Jen screamed in pain... and blacked-out. |
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| DemiWolf | Mar 4 2005, 05:53 PM Post #12 |
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Hey look at this!
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To MSJ: I like what you have so far, but the part where magic was introduced kind of took away the mood, since the story and your prolouge didn't sound like it ad anything to do with magic at all. Still, I wouldn't mind reading it. To Rpgmaker2000used: I haven't read your story yet, since its a bit long for the short amount of time I have. Still, when I get the chance I'll telll what I think of it. |
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I am, like, totally new here. | |
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| MSJ | Mar 4 2005, 05:57 PM Post #13 |
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I think I'm getting dizzy
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Ya, I know.....
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<table border=0 cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 height=85 width=200><tbody><tr height=85><td align="right" width=3><marquee behavior="alternate" direction="up" height=85 vspace=0>|</marquee></td><td><marquee behavior="alternate" direction="up" height=85 vspace=0><marquee behavior="alternate" height=85 vspace=0>o</marquee></marquee></td><td align="left" width=3><marquee behavior="alternate" direction="up" height=85 vspace=0>|</marquee></td></tr></tbody></table> I am so good at this game | |
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| Hollywood | Mar 4 2005, 06:54 PM Post #14 |
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486f6c6c79776f6f64
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Database: What about mine? Huh? Huh? Is it any good? |
| You'd never believe I still exist.... | |
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| Necro) | Mar 4 2005, 08:58 PM Post #15 |
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-Absolutely-
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I have a long one (6 pages MSword 12 times new roman font) so im not gonna post it. |
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| Hollywood | Mar 4 2005, 10:01 PM Post #16 |
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486f6c6c79776f6f64
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Thats why we need a story forum
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| You'd never believe I still exist.... | |
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| DemiWolf | Mar 4 2005, 10:53 PM Post #17 |
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Hey look at this!
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I'll read yours too, Tweeker. Oh, and Necro), I noticed your sig has a picture from Skies Of Arcadia.
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I am, like, totally new here. | |
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| Necro) | Mar 4 2005, 10:56 PM Post #18 |
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-Absolutely-
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Lol, I just found it on rpg2knet. If it's from a game I'm gonna get another
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| DemiWolf | Mar 4 2005, 11:07 PM Post #19 |
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Hey look at this!
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Yeah, its form another game but since most people don't play it, its probably okay. |
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I am, like, totally new here. | |
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| Hollywood | Mar 5 2005, 05:40 PM Post #20 |
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486f6c6c79776f6f64
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wait, so is mine good? or bad?! |
| You'd never believe I still exist.... | |
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| 1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous) | |
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