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| The HF Story | |
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| Topic Started: Aug 13 2007, 11:34 PM (232 Views) | |
| Darth Makar | Aug 13 2007, 11:34 PM Post #1 |
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Eat Cheese or Die Trying
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So this is a variation of the picture form of the HF story except its written usen text. Why? Because it takes me too long to make those pictures as fun as they are. *** Once upon a time in a land far far away there lived a dwarf in the forests of Switzerland. He was a pathetic little man who had seven older brothers. The dwarf, for the purposes of this story, was named Aergerlich and was a cheerful little fellow. Unfortunately he had been known to tell lies a lot, and thus made him an unreliable source of information. One day he was meandering through the woods, skipping through the trees while carrying his pick (he worked in the mines after all), when he came across a particularly large red garnet. He was a bit of a klepto and picked it up, examining the startling gleam. As he turned the stone over in his hand, it started talking to him. "Help me Obi Wan, you're my only hope," it said. Aergerlich dropped the stone and wet his pants simultaneously. He leaned over the gem and examined his own eye reflected in its brilliance. Carefully he reached out a hand and grasped the object between his thumb and pointer finger, picked it up, and held it in front of his face. Inside the stone he saw a curious thing: there was a tiny man trapped inside. Aergerlich picked up his pick off of the ground and made the tiniest crack inside the stone. The man inside cried out as though the dwarf had attacked him with the pick. Aergerlich inspected the damage: there was a fine hair of a crack running straight down the center. He sighed with relief; he had been afraid that the damage would be greater. The dwarf was then confused; he didn't know what to do with the stone. If he left it, he would surely be losing a great treasure. But if he brought it back he would only be teased by his older brothers. For a few long minutes he stood there staring silently at the little man inside the stone before pocketing the object and marching back into the clearing where his home stood. But suddenly he saw his brothers, all seven of them, surrounding the beautiful maiden they usually kept inside a fermaldahide-filled plastic container. But instead of floating around in the liquid, she was awake and flirting with all of the ugly dwarves while singing working songs and calling all sorts of forest animals to her side. They had found her in the forest about a year ago, had killed her and brought her body back to soak in the fermaldahide while they harvested her internal organs. Aergerlich sighed; his older brother Gluecklich must have revived her using animal organs, an experiment he'd been working on for a long while now. Suddenly the stone began to burn in Aergerlich's pocket. He pulled it our quite suddenly, surprising everyone. They came over and laughed at Aergerlich's find, teasing him about making up such a cleaver game. Aergerlich grew angry and chucked the stone at Aertz' head. It knocked his eldest brother unconcious and the stone broke open. A hologram of a teenage guy came out of the stone and said, "Help me, Obi Wan, you're my only hope!" The dwarves and the lady gasped in shock, and the lady had a heart attack (it turns out the pig's heart couldn't keep up with her) and died. The dwarves wondered who this could possibly be, and stood there like idiots as they babbled about it. Aergerlich announced that he must find this "Obi Wan" and save the guy trapped inside of the stone. He picked it up and put it in his pocket and wished his brothers well. Then, stepping over the corpse of the dead woman, he left his home and his brothers behind. *** He had been traveling for days now, surviving off of berries and bubbling brook water. Finally he came to a great cave and stumbled inside, weary. He entered the sweet darkness, but stumbled over something lying on the cave floor. He fell hard to the ground and rolled off to the side, scrambling out of the way of what he thought could only be a bear. But whatever it was stood up, and Aergerlich knew that this was no bear but a horrible monster. He stood there trembling in his boots as the monster approached, prepared to bite his head off. But this was no monster: it was some random traveler who had long lived in the cave. "Obi Wwan?" asked Aergerlich, his voice quivering. The man replied, "Some people call me that. But usually they just call me JoeStunna." Aergerlich pulled the stone out of his pocket. "I think this is yours." JoeStunna reached out and took the stone, then threw it against Aergerlich's head where the stone exploded and the hologram reappeared. "Help me, Obi Wan, you're my only hope. My castle has been invaded and there's nothing I can do to stop the oncoming forces." JoeStunna mused over the message as Aergerlich stood up and rubbed his head. "Who is it?" he asked. JoeStunna looked over at the dwarf, then picked up the stone and put it away. "It is someone by the name of Panther III," he replied calmly. "And he's in great trouble." JoeStunna clapped his hands and the lights came on inside the cavern. Aergerlich looked around in awe as he saw the magnificent decorations and furniture throughout the cave. "Why were you sleeping on the floor if you have such a wonderful bed?" asked Aergerlich, motioning to the plump gold-rimmed bed in the corner. "We have little time to lose," replied JoeStunna. "Oh," he said when he saw Aergerlich looking at the bed. "It's haunted by undead pirate monkeys." He walked over to his coat rack and pulled off a long brown trenchcoat and put it on. He grabbed his light saber from the saber rack and put it on his belt. "We can't waste any more time; come with me." To be continued . . . |
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| Arnieboy | Aug 14 2007, 07:41 AM Post #2 |
Gibdo
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O.o cool story |
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| The Monkey Overlord | Aug 14 2007, 09:08 AM Post #3 |
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STUFFED PIZZA ROCKS!BOW DOWN TO IT
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that...was weird |
  quote from Darth Makar. "Lame people are lame." no duh.%mh%45%mh% | |
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| Arnieboy | Aug 14 2007, 09:47 AM Post #4 |
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Gibdo
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Stories can be anything, what makes them good ;] |
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| Darth Makar | Aug 14 2007, 05:49 PM Post #5 |
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Eat Cheese or Die Trying
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Thanks, guys. I wondered if people would actually read it b/c it was so long. And General: weird stories are my specialty. |
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| The Monkey Overlord | Sep 1 2007, 05:39 PM Post #6 |
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STUFFED PIZZA ROCKS!BOW DOWN TO IT
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sweet. speaking of stories, i need to work on my book. TO "MY DOCUMENTS"!!!! |
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quote from Darth Makar. "Lame people are lame." no duh.%mh%45%mh% | |
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| Link_of_animals | Sep 2 2007, 03:56 PM Post #7 |
Master of Cows, MASTER..OF THE WORLD!
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Make more...Please...:( I wanna see how I fit in. |
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| Mr. Storm | Sep 2 2007, 06:30 PM Post #8 |
Child of Dust
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lol, everyone's going be clammering for their spot... "AHH! WHY AM I THE BAD GUY?!?!" "WHY DON'T I PLAY A MORE MAJOR ROLE?!??!" I, however, just wanna see some undead pirate monkeys kick some arse. |
 "I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason and intellect has intended us to forego their use." - Galileo Galilei | |
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| Link_of_animals | Sep 2 2007, 08:40 PM Post #9 |
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Master of Cows, MASTER..OF THE WORLD!
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No, nobody will do that... *cough*mumblessomeone'sname*cough* |
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| Darth Makar | Sep 12 2007, 02:17 AM Post #10 |
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Eat Cheese or Die Trying
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Aergerlich and JoeStunna set out and wandered the Alps of Switzerland for several long days. Finally they came across a rushing waterfall of clear, crisp blue water. Aergerlich ran eagerly over to the edge and plunged his face into the sweet spring. JoeStunna jumped forward and jerked him back away from the water’s edge. “Be careful,” he warned disapprovingly. “You don’t know what’s in that water.” At the moment he said that, the water where Aergerlich had had his head only moments before turned solid into some sort of ice-like state. JoeStunna gave Aergerlich a “that-could-have-hardened-inside-of-you” look and Aergerlich hung his head in embarrassment. JoeStunna motioned to the waterfall, and the two of them came closer to where the fall met the water. “Listen carefully,” said JoeStunna, cupping his hand around his ear to form a cone. Aergerlich listened intently and after a few long seconds heard a song from within the cavern on the other side of the water. JoeStunna then said, “We must move quickly for we have little time! Aergerlich, prepare to leave your realm.” The little dwarf looked up at him with big, startled eyes, but nodded solemnly. He was willing to do whatever it took in order to save the person inside of the stone. JoeStunna then jumped through the waterfall, leaving Aergerlich to sit on the rocks. Aergerlich followed, and not a moment too soon, for the water froze behind them. JoeStunna lead the way through the cave, and the singing became louder. Suddenly the cave opened into the back of a grocery store, and JoeStunna and Aergerlich found themselves inside of a modern supermarket. Aergerlich looked around with eager eyes, but JoeStunna was unphased. Suddenly a creature caught both of their eyes, and they turned in time to see a cow-fairy-imp hybrid jumping around at the end of the closest aisle while playing a cheery little tune called “the Lost Woods theme” on a panpipe. “We must catch him!” JoeStunna whispered to Aergerlich. “If we catch the LoA, he will show us the way to the next level!” Aergerlich nodded, though he didn’t quite process all of the information. He followed JoeStunna as the two of them followed the creature throughout the market, first slowly, then running. However, every time they got near it, the creature laughed a strange, woody laugh and spun around in a circle before disappearing. Too be continued . . . |
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| Mr. Storm | Sep 12 2007, 04:34 AM Post #11 |
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Child of Dust
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Hahahahaha, that was funny.
:D Still no undead pirate monkeys though. :-( |
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"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason and intellect has intended us to forego their use." - Galileo Galilei | |
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| Arnieboy | Sep 12 2007, 05:57 AM Post #12 |
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Gibdo
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Btw it's 'To be continued' not 'Too' XD And cool once again :) |
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| Darth Makar | Sep 12 2007, 11:23 AM Post #13 |
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Eat Cheese or Die Trying
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Heh, yeah. Well, it was late when I wrote this. And thanks guys. Stay tuned for the next installment. |
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| burnedalive | Sep 14 2007, 05:31 PM Post #14 |
RAWR!!!!!!! GRAH!!!!
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I love it :D |
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| Darth Makar | Sep 14 2007, 10:07 PM Post #15 |
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Eat Cheese or Die Trying
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The LoA stood perched on the top of a display of lima bean cans, laughing down at its pursuers below. JoeStunna stopped below and looked up at the prancing creature and Aergerlich shook his fist at the LoA. The LoA pulled out a pea shooter and started shooting little round objects at JoeStunna and the dwarf. The two jumped out of the way behind the frozen foods so that they wouldn’t get hit. “What do we do now?” asked Aergerlich. “Use the Force.” “Okay, that’s all great but . . .” started Aergerlich, but JoeStunna held up his hand and cut him off. “Quiet,” he hissed at the dwarf. “I didn’t say that. It was someone else.” “You’re right it was someone else,” came the voice. JoeStunna and Aergerlich turned around and came face to face with a person wearing a long, flowing black robe. The hood was pulled over the head, casting a dark shadow over the face. “Who is that?” asked Aergerlich of JoeStunna. JoeStunna just shook his head. “I have no idea.” “My name,” said the new person, “Is Maximus Storm. But you can just call me Mr Storm.” He bowed, and when he came up the hood slid dramatically off of his head, revealing some guy with brown hair. Aergerlich and JoeStunna looked at each other in confusion; neither of them had ever heard of this guy before, and he acted as though they were supposed to be familiar with him. Mr Storm continued as though he didn’t see their expressions, “The only way to defeat the LoA is to collect the three Spirit Stones. And to do that you must destroy the three bosses. Here’s a map.” He handed Aergerlich an aged, weathered map creased with time and use. Aergerlich took it gently and glanced over it. Unfortunately it was written in mixture of Portuguese and Old English, making it very difficult to read. He handed it to JoeStunna. “So what do we do?” asked JoeStunna. “How do we defeat these bosses?” “I already told you,” said Mr Storm. “Use the Force.” He rolled his eyes as though he were speaking to idiots. “Let us go!” said Aergerlich, standing up. “We need to help the one imprisoned in the stone!” Mr Storm raised a curious eyebrow at this, but he said nothing. Joe said to Aergerlich, “Let’s not waste any more time.” Mr Storm coughed. JoeStunna and Aergerlich looked at him, then at each other. “Are you alright?” asked Aergerlich. “I think you might need some assistance, for the roads are dark and the paths are narrow.” JoeStunna finally agreed, “You can come with us, but any tricks and you’ll be dead.” |
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