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Military Wit and Wisdom
Topic Started: Mar 4 2007, 02:47 PM (234 Views)
Almtnman
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WIT AND WISDOM - MILITARY SOURCES


"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.



"Aim towards the Enemy."

Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher



"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."

U.S. Marine Corps





"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."

USAF Ammo Troop




"If the enemy is in range, so are you."

Infantry Journal




"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."

U.S. Air Force Manual




"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."

General MacArthur


"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."

Infantry Journal




"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me

U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.




"Tracers work both ways."

U.S. Army Ordnance




"Five second fuses only last three seconds."

Infantry Journal




"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."

U.S. Navy Swabbie




"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."

David Hackworth




"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
Infantry Journal




"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."

Joe Gay




"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."




"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."

Unknown Marine Recruit


"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."

Your Buddies


"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."

USAF AmmoTroop


"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan




"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."

Paul F.Crickmore (test pilot)


"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."


Blue water Navy truism:

"There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."

From an old carrier sailor


"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."


"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."


"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."


"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."


"Never trade luck for skill."


The three most common expressions

(or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?",

"Where are we?"

And "Oh S...!"


"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."


"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."




"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"


"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."


"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."


"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."

Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)


"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."

Jon McBride, astronaut


"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."

Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)


"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."


"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."

Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970


"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."


Basic Flying Rules:

"Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."


"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."


As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives,the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".

The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
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sgtsrice
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I tried to eliminate any duplicates.

Murphy's war laws
• Friendly fire - isn't.
• Recoilless rifles - aren't.
• Suppressive fires - won't.
• 'Armor' is a fantasy invented by your C.O. to make you feel better.
• You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
• A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
• If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
• If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.
• If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
• Ammo is cheap. Your life is not. In combat you never hump too much ammo
• Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
• Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
• Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
• The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
• The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
when they're ready.
when you're not.
• Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing
• No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
• Remember that the "hey-diddle-diddle" tactic works only in the movies. Be sneaky, always cheat, always win.
• There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
• There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
• A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
The Ol' Ranger's addendum:
Or else they're trying to suck you into a serious ambush!
• The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
• The easy way is always mined.
• Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
• If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
• When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
• Incoming fire has the right of way.
• There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
• A warrior who thinks small bad guys can not be lethal in combat has never been in bed with a small rattlesnake
• No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
• Speak softly, but forget the big stick. Carry a belt-fed weapon
• No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
• Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
• The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
• Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
• Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
• Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
• Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.)
• Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
• Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
• Tracers work both ways.
• If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
• When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
• Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
• Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
• Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
• Weather ain't neutral.
• If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed toward you.
• Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
• The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
• Napalm is an area support weapon.
• Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
• B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
• Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
• Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
• The one item you need is always in short supply.
• Interchangeable parts aren't.
• It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
• When in doubt, empty your magazine.
• The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
• Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
• If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
• Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
• The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
• Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
• Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
• The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
• A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
• The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
• Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
• The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
• The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
• Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
• If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
• When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
• The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
• To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
• The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is your’s.
• The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
• When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
• The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
• A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
• The Purple Heart is a marksmanship badge for the enemy.
• Beer Math: 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
• Body count Math: 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
• The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
• All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
• The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
• The crucial round is a dud.
• Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
• There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
• If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
• If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
• If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
• Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
• Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
• The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
• There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
• Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
• The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
• Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
• As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
• The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
• Walking point = sniper bait.
• Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
• If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
• No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
• The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
• The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
• The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
• The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
• If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
• The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
• There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
• Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
• Avoid loud noises, there are few silent killers in a combat zone.
• Never screw over a buddy; you'll never know when he could save your life.
• Never expect any rations; the only rations that will be on time and won't be short is the ration of shit.
• Respect all religions in a combat zone, take no chances on where you may go if killed.
• A half filled canteen is a beacon for a full loaded enemy weapon.
• When in a fire fight, kill as many as you can, the one you miss may not miss tomorrow.
• It is a physical impossibility to carry too much ammo.
• If you survive an ambush, something's wrong.
• If you can see the flashes from the enemies' guns in battle, he can see yours too.
• Flashlights, lighters and matches don't just illuminate the surrounding area; they illuminate you too.
• Just because you have nearly impenetrable body armor and a Kevlar helmet, doesn't mean you don't have exposed areas.
• There are few times when the enemy can't hear you: When he's dead, you're dead, or both.
Addendum: When he's not there, when you're not there, or both.
• You're only better than your enemy if you kill him first.
• Complain about the rations all you want, but just remember; they could very well be your last meal.
• Never underestimate the ability of the brass to foul things up.
• You have two mortal enemies in combat; the opposing side and your own rear services.
• You think the enemy has better artillery support and the enemy thinks yours is better; you're both right.
• Three things you will never see in combat; hot chow, hot showers, and an uninterrupted night's sleep.
• "Live" and "Hero" are mutually exclusive terms.
• Don't be a hero
• Once you are in the fight it is way too late to wonder if this is a good idea.
• NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition that the other guy.
• Cover your Buddy, so he can be around to cover for you.
• Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest.
• Sometimes, being good and lucky still is not enough.
• If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need.
• If you are wearing body armor they will probably miss that part.
• Happiness is a belt fed weapon.
• Having all your body parts intact and functioning at the end of the day beats the alternative...
• If you are allergic to lead it is best to avoid a war zone.
• A free fire zone has nothing to do with economics.
• Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better.
• Being shot hurts.
• Tanks draw fire. A lot of it. It does not behoove the infantryman to hide behind one
• Thousands of Veterans earned medals for bravery every day. A few were even awarded.
• There is only one rule in war: When you win, you get to make up the rules.
• C-4 can make a dull day fun.
• There is no such thing as a fair fight -- only ones where you win or lose.
• If you win the battle you are entitled to the spoils. If you lose you don't care.
• Nobody cares what you did yesterday or what you are going to do tomorrow. What is important is what you are doing -- NOW -- to solve our problem.
• Always make sure someone has a can opener.
• Prayer may not help . . . but it can't hurt.
• Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling. All of these, however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac even if it is, technically, a form of flying.
• If everyone does not come home, then none of the rest of us can ever fully come home either.
• Carrying any weapon that you weren't issued (e.g, an AK) in combat is Not A Good Idea!
A combat vet will know the sound of an unfamiliar weapon in an instant and will point and shoot.
Not only that, AKs use green tracers which mean "shoot 'em all and let God sort them out".
As has been noted, "Friendly fire isn't!"
• When the going gets tough, the tough go cyclic.
• Military Intelligence is not a contradiction in terms, "Light Infantry" is!
• Proximity factor: The need for relief is directly related to the distance of the relief station.
• Always keep one bullet in the chamber when changing your magazine.
• In peacetime people say, "War is Hell". In combat, under fire from artillery, airplanes, or whatever, a soldier thinks, "War is really really really LOUD as Hell!!!".
• If you can think clearly, know exactly what's happening, and have total control of a situation in combat, then you're not in combat.
• When you get the coveted 1,000 yard stare, don't forget about the enemy who is 30 yards away and about to pop you.
• Stay away from officers in combat, they're clever decoys for noncoms.
• Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
• Failure of plan A will directly affect your ability to carry out plan B.
• An escaping soldier can be used again.
• If you think you'll die, don't worry you won't.
• If it's worth fighting for...it's worth fighting dirty for.
• if God wanted boots to be comfortable he would have designed them like running shoes.
• If you survive the extraordinary things, it will often be the little things that will kill you.
• You never have fire support in heavy firefight but you always have it on a silent recon mission.
• The only thing more dangerous to you than the enemy, is your command.

Laws of War for Helicopters
• Helicopter tail rotors are naturally drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc.
While it may be possible to ward off this event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of the crew, always be prevented.
It's just what they do.
• The engine RPM and the rotor RPM must BOTH be kept in the GREEN.
Failure to heed this commandment can adversely affect the morale of the crew.
• The terms Protective Armor and Helicopter are mutually exclusive.
• "Chicken Plates" are not something you order in a restaurant.
• The louder the sudden bang in the helicopter, the quicker your eyes will be drawn to the gauges.
Corollary: The longer you stare at the gauges the less time it takes them to move from green to red.
• Loud, sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention.
• The further you fly into the mountains, the louder the strange engine noises become.
• It is a bad thing to run out of airspeed, altitude and ideas all at the same time.
• "Pucker Factor" is the formal name of the equation that states the more hairy the situation is, the more of the seat cushion will be sucked up your butt.
It can be expressed in its mathematical formula of:
S (suction) + H (height above ground) + I (interest in staying alive) + T (# of tracers coming your way).
Thus the term 'SHIT!' can also be used to denote a situation where a high Pucker Factor is being encountered.
• Running out of pedal, fore or aft cyclic, or collective are all bad ideas.
Any combination of these can be deadly.
• Helicopters have been described as nothing more than 50,000 parts flying in close formation. It is the mechanics responsibility to keep that formation as tight as possible.
• It is mathematically impossible for either hummingbirds, or helicopters to fly. Fortunately, neither are aware of this.
• LZ's are always hot.
• There are 'old' pilots and 'bold' pilots, but there are no 'old, bold' pilots.
• The mark of a truly superior pilot is the use of his superior judgment to avoid situations requiring the use of his superior skill.
• Ch-53's are living proof, that if you strap enough engines to something it will fly.

Law of Fighting Airplanes

• Heat-seeking missiles don't know the difference between friend and foe.
• Air Brakes don't.
• Your cannon will jam in combat, and then when you get back to base there will be nothing wrong with it.
• Flying is not dangerous. Crashing is what is dangerous.
• Combat flying is not like a video game. When flying in combat, you can not push a button and start over.
• Aerial combat is the perfect vocation for men who want to feel like boys, but not for men who still are.
• Plan ahead. Keep checking. If you find yourself on the ground or sitting in your rubber raft -- looking up in the sky where your aircraft used to be -- it is too late to check your fuel gauge.
• In an aircraft in flight, if something is (1) red, (2) yellow, or (3) dusty, never touch it without a lot of forethought.
• Gravity never loses.

Laws of Desert Combat:

• Any attempt to find cover will result in failure.
• Supply Shipments at night stick out like a sore thumb.
• Tanks should never leave the established roads
• Established roads are always mined
• The effectiveness of a soldier in desert combat is inversely porportional to how heavy his equipment is.

Saddam's First (and last) Law of War:

Don't pick a fight with the baddest guys on the block! (note to Iran and N. Korea)
smiley-patriotic-flag-wave smiley-patriotic-flag-wave smiley-patriotic-flag-wave smiley-patriotic-flag-wave smiley-patriotic-flag-wave smiley-patriotic-flag-wave smiley-patriotic-flag-wave smiley-patriotic-flag-wave smiley-patriotic-flag-wave
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Almtnman
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That's also some famaliar rules especially the rattlesnake one. One morning as I rolled my sleeping bag up after a hard cold night on the ground, there lay a small rattler that somehow had crawled under my bag probably to keep warm under there. I almost tore the shelter half down getting out of there. :)
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How To Prepare For A Deployment To Iraq:

1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.

2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.

3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."

4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three sheets of toilet paper. Or for best effect, remove it altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.

5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.

6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head. (OK, for those of you who don't get this one — the idea is to simulate the effects of nearby artillery; the outgoing is even louder then the incoming)

7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "high" for that tactical generator smell.

8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.

10. Have the paper boy give you a haircut.

11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.

12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.

13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.

14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.

15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose.

16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put it back together again.

17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking.
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greatwhiteelkhunter
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These are all great!!
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