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Worst Advice Ever; "Husband 'rapes' me while I sleep"
Topic Started: Jan 25 2006, 11:22 PM (135 Views)
TBlack
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The baby killer
Grumpy Old Men
Quote:
 
Dear Miriam ABOUT once a month, my husband tries to have sex with me during the night without bothering to wake me up.

I usually find him rubbing against me and pawing me and I have to push him away. Sometimes I wake up to find him on top of me.

To me, this isn't making love. I've told him how I hate it and how I feel I'm being raped.

It's not as if I deprive him of sex.

We have it at least three times a week - more when he's sober.

Do you think his drinking could be the problem? Usually he can't get an erection after he's had too much but a few hours later, when he's slept it off, he's raring to go.

I detest him for treating me like a sex slave. There's not an ounce of pleasure in it for me. How can I make him stop?


BOTH people need to be awake and fully conscious to consent to sex. Anything less is unacceptable. The sexual interaction you describe is unhealthy and hurtful.

However, I wonder if your husband is awake when he's doing this? I ask this because sleep sex is a term coined by US scientists to describe a phenomenon which can cause people to commit sexual acts on themselves or their partners while asleep.

The condition can range from disruptive moaning to unwanted, and sometimes violent, sexual advances to their partner.

Apparently, no matter how serious their night-time behaviour, next morning these people don't remember what they'd done. Scientists believe the condition is caused by a sleep disorder combined with emotional problems.

If he's awake, there's no excuse for using your body for his sexual release. That you are asleep is a sign you don't want to be disturbed and these unwanted sexual advances are out of order. If he does wake up with an erection, he can take care of himself through masturbation.

This behaviour is potentially a deal breaker in your relationship, so be firm in setting limits and taking care of yourself. If necessary, when he goes to bed drunk, sleep elsewhere until he gets the message you're not there for his convenience.
"You would think it obvious to anyone, with a grain of intelligence, that there are far too many people born in England."
.:I'm melting!: http://alwaysautumn.etsy.com :.
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Forgottenlord

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At least the last line is good......
No, seriously
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Krioval
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He Who Fights
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...and the columnist didn't think to address the drinking issue until the last line? Yow.
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Cluichstan
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The NatSov Sith Lord
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
I've been with women before who liked being woken up like that... :unsure:
Bite me.
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TBlack
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The baby killer
Grumpy Old Men
forgottenlord,Jan 26 2006
12:40 AM
At least the last line is good......

Telling a woman who is being raped to move to another bed so it doesn't happen is good?
"You would think it obvious to anyone, with a grain of intelligence, that there are far too many people born in England."
.:I'm melting!: http://alwaysautumn.etsy.com :.
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HotRodia
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Mr. UNiverse
Grumpy Old Men
TBlack,Jan 26 2006
03:59 PM
forgottenlord,Jan 26 2006
12:40 AM
At least the last line is good......

Telling a woman who is being raped to move to another bed so it doesn't happen is good?

Best Advice Ever

Don't marry a drunk.

Note: Not intended to trivialize real issues being discussed here.
"The irrationality of a thing is no argument against its existence, rather a condition of it." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
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Cluichstan
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The NatSov Sith Lord
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HotRodia,Jan 26 2006
12:03 PM
Best Advice Ever

Don't marry a drunk.

Note: Not intended to trivialize real issues being discussed here.

If everyone follows that advice, I'll never get married.
Bite me.
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Flibbleites
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Cluichstan,Jan 26 2006
09:07 AM
HotRodia,Jan 26 2006
12:03 PM
Best Advice Ever

Don't marry a drunk.

Note:  Not intended to trivialize real issues being discussed here.

If everyone follows that advice, I'll never get married.

Start going to meetings, then you're not a drunk, you're an alcoholic.
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Mr November
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Cluichstan
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The NatSov Sith Lord
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Flibbleites,Jan 26 2006
12:19 PM
Cluichstan,Jan 26 2006
09:07 AM
HotRodia,Jan 26 2006
12:03 PM
Best Advice Ever

Don't marry a drunk.

Note:  Not intended to trivialize real issues being discussed here.

If everyone follows that advice, I'll never get married.

Start going to meetings, then you're not a drunk, you're an alcoholic.

Yeah, but the folks at those meetings prefer it if you stop drinking.
Bite me.
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Forgottenlord

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TBlack,Jan 26 2006
03:59 PM
forgottenlord,Jan 26 2006
12:40 AM
At least the last line is good......

Telling a woman who is being raped to move to another bed so it doesn't happen is good?

What, you want the advice to be "dump the shithead"? I'm pretty damn sure that both the writer and responder were trying to go through a list of things that could be done without resorting to this issue. Yes it is rape and if he follows her to the other bed, she definately should dump the shithead, but in the meantime, she still has a few options - and quite frankly, if she jumped straight to the bottom of the list, she would only have to deal with one more round of this shit before leaving.

I would actually guess that if the advice had been "dump the shithead" without offering any alternatives, she would not have taken it. It sounds like she wants to try to keep their marriage together while addressing this issue.
No, seriously
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TBlack
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The baby killer
Grumpy Old Men
Wow.

Sorry.

I should have read through my post to make sure I didn't say "dump the shithead".

Oh wait…

Well I assume you can see where this one is going.

In fact I believe it was completely relevant to mention a sleep disorder, perhaps suggest counselling for his drunkenness, and confront him about it. Preferably once she has somewhere set up that she can run to if the worst suspicion is true.

But at the end of the day I don't think trying to work through it is an option when your husband is raping you. It's not healthy, it's not doing any good and down the line the fact that he wasn’t punished for being a rapist could bite someone on the arse. It might not be what she wants but it is an option. One that should have been pointed out in the reply.

At the end of the day there is no point in speculating why she wrote the letter. Even if you could know. It wasn't just published for her. People need to be told that what is happening is rape and they don't have to put up with it because, unfortunately, some people still need to be told.

It's rape, it's abuse, it's wrong, it's illegal.
"You would think it obvious to anyone, with a grain of intelligence, that there are far too many people born in England."
.:I'm melting!: http://alwaysautumn.etsy.com :.
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Ecopoeia
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E-u-o-c-o-u-p-i-e-i-a-u-o-e-a
Grumpy Old Men
There's some terrifying stat about how the largest percentage of rapes taken place in marriage.
Enough is as good as a feast

To Ill-Advisedly Go!
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Bahgum
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North-South Relations Advisor
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Better advice would have been to swap places with the mother in law in bed just before he comes home drunk. He'd never try it again.......
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