| Throt the Unclean; my new finished short story! | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: 20th July 2007 - 01:02 AM (514 Views) | |
| Cinnimon | 20th July 2007 - 01:02 AM Post #1 |
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I finished this story last night. Any critisism/advice would be great. Throt lashed out his long, barbed whip, a dying rat squirming in pain and distress from within his maw, as he chewed it in between his sharp canines. Fifty or so, by the looks of it, skinks, accompanied by a chief, slowly inched towards him, readying their pipes and darts, surrounding the lone Skaven lord. Throt stared them down, intimidating them to give him more time to prepare. The large and twisted rat sharpened his warpstone blade with his third arm, spinning around to stare at the rest of the group, chuckling. The sound of his voice made several younger skinks flinch; stepping back, they raised their blowpipes to their mouths instinctively. The chief held his sword in his armpit, as to raise his hand, to signal for the skinks to shoot. This was a fatal mistake. Before his hand rose upward to signal, Throt lunged at the hero with his sharp teeth. In a flash, the rat had ripped out the skink’s throat in a spray of blood, and had already shifted the weight of his lunge into a deadly spin, his whip and sword cycling furiously, mowing skinks over in lightning fast succession before they could counteract. As the skinks on the other side of the circle came to their senses, they shot straight at the opposite side, but as Throt had already made his way into the heart of the troops, most of the shots only injected the lethal poison into their own kind. Two darts stuck in Throt’s shoulder, but were unsuccessful in their duty and pushed their way out of his skin due to regeneration. As Throt slowed his spin, he whipped his creature killer off of his back, grabbing a skink’s neck. Using the skinks weight to his advantage, he beat down a few of the lizard things with their own troop as Throt wielded the new weapon like a hammer with immense strength, breaking bones in every of all kinds in every direction. No more than twenty skinks remained unscathed at this point, the rest either mortally injured or smote on the spot by Throt’s bloody frenzy. Tiring, bored with the ease of the lightweights, he let out a loud whistle, grinning in satisfaction. Almost immediately following the echoing cease of the haunting note, the ground began to shake, and a hideously deformed, tremendous silhouette appeared behind him. Startled the skinks raised their pipes to shoot at the creature, but before they could do so, a monstrous, clawed hand reached out from the mist of then jungle like a god, grabbing all of them and crushing them to paste in it’s fingers. Seconds later, the sound of yelling could be heard, and a sturdy reinforcement of clanrats emerged from within the jungle. They looked around, puzzled at the dead skinks. “I suppose I could not help-help myself,” growled Throt, his sentence completed with a bow as he sheathed his weapons, snickering deeply. |
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| BlackBotanist | 20th July 2007 - 02:16 PM Post #2 |
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Clanrat
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Hmmm promising, I have a couple of pointers I could share? If you want you can ignore them, its your story afterall. Firstly, I like the many descriptions you include throughout the piece. It helped me to visualise the image you had in mind when writing the story. Secondly, I liked the change in sentence length that you slipped in here and there, for example: This made the pace of the story more varying, and theremore a more interesting read. It also helped you to make the sentence above for example stand out. Now, one thing I didn't like so much was the premise of Throt taking on 'fifty or so' skinks, and a Chief, by himself. While I am sure, rules-wise, this might or might not be within his capabilities ( I cannot remember his rules off the top of my head) it does seem a little unrealistic. Surely, the skinks would have kept back out of his reach, and had the sense not to fire into each other? Fifty does seem a bit excessive, too. I would change it by making Throt in a regiment, or with some of the mutations he's so famous for. Afterall, it is VERY Skaveny to fight from the back of a unit, surrounded by lots of bodies to protect him. This would help build Throt's character as a Skaven. Also, I thought it unusual (not wrong, just unusual) to write a story about Throt but to exclude any mention of his mutated beasts. This is something he is famous for, and the beasts themselves are a feast to write about. You can be so descriptive with them, it really is an opportunity which you seem to have missed out on. Overall I liked it I love Clan Moulder, and I like most stories featuring Throt as hes awesome. I hope some of what I have said is useful, and I will look out for more stories from you ![]() BB |
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I love Clan Moulder, and I like most stories featuring Throt as hes awesome. I hope some of what I have said is useful, and I will look out for more stories from you 