| assassins ambush; short story | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: 18th June 2007 - 02:13 AM (254 Views) | |
| dink666 | 18th June 2007 - 02:13 AM Post #1 |
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please feel free to comment because id love to get some pointers. i have a sneaking suspition the you will like this, especially all you eshin lovers. so please comment. i am open to criticism. well not to much ****************************************************** The Empire convoy slugged on. They looked on angrily, the path was dark, over grown and never ending. Its length was measured in miles but they could barely see a few metres, due to the overgrowth. The tired soldiers relaxed they’re stance, they’re feet, acking from the hard and stony growned. Captain Keith rode out in front, two knights of the blazing sun in close pursuit. Keith spoke pride, his voice demanding respect. “Knights”. “Yes sir” a knight replied. “Inform the convoy that we make camp just before night fall”. “Will do sir”. Keith trotted forwards, to the top pf a hill. He could see a never ending forest. The trees seemed to cover the whole world, except the tall dwarf mountains, the white peaks contrasted splendidly with the green of the forest. A barely noticeable path cut the woods in half. It lead towards the snowy mountain tops in the distance. “soon we will be in a great Dwarven hall”. Keith whispered to himself. The Skaven Assassin awaited his prey. Sat in a tree, completely motionless. Tweek only moved his eyes and even then, he did with caution. He carefully scanned the undergrowth and tree tops for any sign of movement. There was none. Upon realising the birds were not singing, he knew his comrades were in position. He saw the convoy come trudging down the hill. Eye’s fixed on his prize and target. The Captain rejoined his knights. The cart shook around as it hit some rocks on the way down. Tweek looked at the back of the column. Some stragglers were quickly and quietly disposed of by some freshly recruited gutter runners. Tweek realised he’d have to show them who’s in charge and who deserves credit for this attack. The convoy had just about stopped in front of him. It was time to put his plan into action. Tweek grabbed onto a branch and snapped it. He saw every humans head turn to his direction. Tweek smiled with delight as the hand gunners took aim in his general direction. A dead object fell, limply from the tree. “Check it out” Keith ordered a knight. The knight drew his sword and trotted forwards, approaching with caution. The knight was puzzled and dismounted his horse. Pointing his sword to the dead thing on the floor he approached. Rolling it over with his foot, and poked it with his sword to see if it moved. “Sir, tis…… tis one of them rat men. I thought they lived in tunnels?” the knight yell with a look of confusion. “Is it dead?” Keith inquired. “Yes, tis…….” The knight gasped for air. Keith looked down to see the dead rat man, holding a crude, rusting, wet blade that had been plunged into the knights lung. The knight went into a spasm as the poison worked it way into his blood stream. Keith began yelling out orders, “Defensive position!” He looked to his retinue of knights. He looked to his second in command, a death star hitting the knight in the eye. As the knight fell off his horse screaming in pain, discoloured pus started to seep out of the knight’s eye. A hail of throwing weapons came from all direction. Soldiers fell everywhere he looked. The floor started to give way under the carriage. The back wheels slowly slipping into the newly formed whole, out of which came a number of gutter runners. They cut wildly at the surprised human defenders. The knights tried to form a defensive shield around Keith. Keith froze with shock, all e could do was stare. A well like knight by the name of Borris stood firm, his shield cover in throwing weapons. He thrust his blade into a on coming rat man. He revelled in the delight of the rat mans death, screaming holy praise to Sigmar. He raised his weapon in triumph as a throwing knife dug deep into his armpit, a gutter runner leaped at him. Borris stuck his blade out, impaling the rat man. But the gutter runners blade found its mark, Borris’ chest. Still fighting off the vile rat men until a storm of warp stone bullet skewered him. After all the honour he had just gained, he died in a most pathetic way. Tweek saw that the confused captain was trying to join his men. Tweek charged with such speed that the hand gunners couldn’t land a shot on him. As the captain turned all he saw was a Skaven assassin leaping through the air towards him. He tried to drew his sword but was soon dismounted after Tweek drop kicked him in the face. The captain tried to stand up and regain himself but Tweek quickly jumped on him, his knees digging into Keith’s chest. Tweek pushed his head beside Keith’s and whispered “pleasure doing business with you” Keith looked into the rat mans black eye as he felt a blade dig deep into his stomach. And with that the assassin was gone. He felt the assassin’s poison seep through his vains, it was as if he was burning from the inside out. His muscles went limp but if it was the poison or lack of blood he would never know. He struggled to smile as he realised that he died the way he wanted to die, beaten by a worthy foe. Everything seemed calm as darkness washed over him. |
lil ratty's house of pleasure. tis that time of the year for ratdom
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| Morgoth | 18th June 2007 - 05:42 AM Post #2 |
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The Ancient Evil
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A nicely carried out operation I just wonder, why Tweek takes the high risk of being shot himself? But several good details.
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Greetings from Morgoth Mostly Clan Eshin, occasionally Clan Husk.Proud keeper of the Poking Stick of Doom, known to many a RPG-player ![]()
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| SneakyRodent | 18th June 2007 - 08:57 AM Post #3 |
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Claws of the Horned One founder member
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A good debut! I especially liked the knife-into-the-armpit shot - serves the Knight right. Nothing worse than premature celebration
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Grey Seer Skritchit Lord of the Ulricsberg Clan Virulus Holder of 'Best Post' Award 2007 here Took part in the glorious Lords of Decay Revolution of April 1st 2012 The complete works of SneakyRodent can be found here [/size]
(Scrivener on the Scum And Villainy2 characters of me, DamnedPrince and himself) | |
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| dink666 | 18th June 2007 - 10:50 AM Post #4 |
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why thank you. ill explain him gettin shot bit. i wanted to extend this........ alot. and i was gonna make it his armour be able to deflect some shots. but only on his chest. but i want a better idea cuz it sounds a lil cheesy. maybe his coak wraps him in shadows and it does some jizzy stuff. i dont know. anyway my bad |
lil ratty's house of pleasure. tis that time of the year for ratdom
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| Demagorgon | 18th June 2007 - 11:16 AM Post #5 |
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Demaaaaargh
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Fantastic I agree with Morgoth, there are several good details that give your writing depth, like the 'realising the birds were not singing' line. I thought that was pure class My only criticism is in the second to last paragraph where I think you use Tweek's name too much and it gets a bit repetitive. I like it a lot, keep writing ![]() |
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| Morgoth | 18th June 2007 - 11:33 AM Post #6 |
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The Ancient Evil
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Suggestion to shooting trick: Send a slave up the tree to "scout" Tweek or Gutter Runner scouts from another position Throw a little rock at slaves head at the right time Slave squeeks, get shot, falls down just out of sight. Body switch and tada..................the fun begins :ph43r: But don't mind me. It is your story, and this was just my way of doing a prank Keep it up. I look forward to next little episode
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Greetings from Morgoth Mostly Clan Eshin, occasionally Clan Husk.Proud keeper of the Poking Stick of Doom, known to many a RPG-player ![]()
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| dink666 | 18th June 2007 - 03:52 PM Post #7 |
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thank you everybody. and i thort it was repetitive aswell but not bad for someone with dyslexia and autism
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lil ratty's house of pleasure. tis that time of the year for ratdom
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| warlord nesqueek | 19th June 2007 - 09:57 PM Post #8 |
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I really enjoyed reading that, I thought that it was well written and interesting. Only point that I have is that Empire names seem to be quite German influenced, so something such as Gunther, Wilhem, Heinrich, Eberhard. etc, just something for you to think about in future writing, otherwise I loved it. |
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| dink666 | 19th June 2007 - 10:50 PM Post #9 |
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why thank you. i never realised that before haha. i dont spose 40k storys are allowed on here cuz i posted this on atleast 5 forums and only you guys have given me a good response. yes yes iam kissing ass
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lil ratty's house of pleasure. tis that time of the year for ratdom
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well not to much




Mostly Clan Eshin, occasionally Clan Husk.


I agree with Morgoth, there are several good details that give your writing depth, like the 'realising the birds were not singing' line. I thought that was pure class 
