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Megaman GX; My own fanfic
Topic Started: Jan 30 2009, 04:23 PM (536 Views)
chaud	Jan 30 2009, 04:23 PM Post #1
Unregistered	-I have wrote this story before, on TREZ and other places, maybe even here, but I haven't seen it nor been able to find it, so here it is, comments please Chapter One- The Basement -In the year 25xx , PETs (Aka Personal Terminals) has been greatly updated, each civilian now owns a PET, with his own Navi, although, a very few, of the I.T school or government workers own their custom one....... -Act One- The School -Mark : Hey guys, have ya seen my new PET, model 7 yet ? -Jarred : Oh please stop bragging, a PET is as good as it's operator -Mark : And I suppose that makes you as good as your PET model 5 -Jennie : Will ya stop picking on Jarred, Mike ? it's like your only amusement -Mark : Well DUH, He didn't beat me with his old junk since over 6months, I wonder why he's at the IT school, he should be transferred to an old classic school with blackboards -Teacher : Attention everyone, there will be an exam of net battling, of your custom navigators against viruses, top two navis will be granted a prize from the school's adminstration, a sword chip, wide sword and a long sword Mark : WHAT!?! , what should we do with that junk, my dad bought me WAAY better chips than those when I got my navigator -Teacher : It's not about the chips, it's about how you use them, now if you excuse me Act Two- Backyard -Jarred : Oh Jenn, I wish I had a PET 7, although I refuse to confess it to Mark, but it IS a good terminal with easier access to internet -Jennie : Well, just forget about it, hey, what about we go around ACDC and hunt for any viruses -Jarred : Ok I guess..., HEY, you know what, my dad just extended the wireless network to the backyard, we can sit on the bench there and go online -Jennie : Good idea While Mark was jacking in, his PET slipped and fell to the basement through the windows Mark : OMG, MY PET Jennie : Don't worry PET 5 was pretty much strong, it shouldn't break, just go and get it Mark: ok, brb Act Three- The Finding Mark ** Whoa, it's quite dark here As Mark is going down to the basement he fell on the stairs down as he stumbled across an old wooden box Mark * Hey, what's that Opens the box, and he find an old, rust PET 3 Hey, that must be one of dad's old PETs, but it's weird that it looks like if it got a custom navigator... guess I'll just activate it ACTIVATING........ONLINE Mark ** Hey, it actually works after all that time... wow, it's been like a 100 years since that model was around Navi : A....t you....our servic-e.e Mark sees a red navi, with a broken emblem on his chest, so he couldn't recognize it at all, with white hair and slim body Mark : Hey guess your speech system is ruined, maybe I'll ask dad to take a look at it, what's your name ? Navi : I.... do no-t.t quitee-e rememb...er, I belie..-eve it was.... Slasher *Chapter One- The End*
Unregistered


Jad	Feb 4 2009, 10:48 AM Post #2
All-Star Member Posts: 218 Group: Restricted (Newb) Member #3,043 Joined: August 4, 2008	Why don't you regester or if u are a user login at this site some members don't look at the guest talk btw nice story



Nemomon	Feb 4 2009, 11:06 AM Post #3
\begin{displaymath} Posts: 8,311 Group: Tribe Leader Member #294 Joined: January 20, 2007 Friend Code 1 Hi Nemo! -Midnite	Because he's already our user.



Max	Feb 4 2009, 11:31 AM Post #4
Moderator Posts: 1,398 Group: TREZ Elder Member #2,007 Joined: December 31, 2007	Wait... are you saying that he is Enzan (chaud.lobna.slasher)? Well... the first chapter was kinda short, you should write more or describe more about how the characters feel, or describing the place and etc.



Nemomon	Feb 4 2009, 11:32 AM Post #5
\begin{displaymath} Posts: 8,311 Group: Tribe Leader Member #294 Joined: January 20, 2007 Friend Code 1 Hi Nemo! -Midnite	マックス Feb 4 2009, 11:31 AM Wait... are you saying that he is Enzan (chaud.lobna.slasher)? Yep, that IP probably I'll remeber until my death.



Chaud	Feb 8 2009, 02:23 AM Post #6
Unregistered	Nice to know I got a stalker , well I can't login cause of two things, one I think I'm banned, two I dunno my password nor the email I registered with , 2nd chap. coming up
Unregistered


Chaud	Feb 8 2009, 02:24 AM Post #7
Unregistered	Chapter Two- The School Act One- The Fix -Jarred : Dad, is that your old PET ? -Robin : mmmm, an old original Pet III, founded by the government, supports a custom navigator of level8.... a really classic one, but it isn't mine, where did you find that ? -Jarred : Well, I found it in an old box in the basement -Robin : Well, it could be your grandpa's, he used to give me lots of spare parts to supply my researches, but I don't remind seeing this... -Jarred : Wish grandpa was alive to tell me... I miss him so much -Robin : What happened has happened Jarred, no use for crying over spilled milk, now let's go make lunch, you didn't forget that you got tons of leftover homework did you ? -Jarred : OH MAN, well... can't you fix that PET for me dad ? PLEAAASE -Robin : Well if I can get his software I'm sure I can, but I don't think I can get his emblem back, after all, since he got long memory loss then he can't remember it even if I fix his software -Jarred : Just do your best dad, THANKS Act Two- The Next Day -Robin : JAAAARRREEEEEEEEEEEEEED. WAKE UP UR LATE FOR SCHOOL -Jarred : OH MAN, NOT AGAIN Runs to bathroom -Jarred : So dad, did you fix the Pet ? -Robin : Oh yea, I fixed his speech, he seems to really have big knowledge about navigating, yet he can't remember his emblem or real operator -Jarred : That's a pity.... well, can I take him to school instead of my old navi ? -Robin : I guess you can try him, his software is pretty much complex so he should be able to help with really advanced maths lessons -Jarred : AWESOME -Robin : Oh and I almost forgot, I added a chip so that he can't help with homework -Jarred : NO WAY falls to the ground TBC~~~~~
Unregistered


Nemomon	Feb 8 2009, 03:29 AM Post #8
\begin{displaymath} Posts: 8,311 Group: Tribe Leader Member #294 Joined: January 20, 2007 Friend Code 1 Hi Nemo! -Midnite	Chaud Feb 8 2009, 02:23 AM Nice to know I got a stalker , well I can't login cause of two things, one I think I'm banned, two I dunno my password nor the email I registered with , 2nd chap. coming up Make then new account and PM me. Maybe we will think about that...



Punk	Feb 17 2009, 11:18 AM Post #9
Ultimate Member Posts: 851 Group: Members Member #2,296 Joined: March 5, 2008	My gosh, please erase the title and come up with something cooler. I hate anything that even remotely resembles Yugioh GX. NEVER AGAIN... So, this wasn't very good in my opinion, save for the plot, but it needs some fixes. We'll do a complete rundown. Chapter One- The BasementBoring title, maybe say something like 'DISCOVERY' -In the year 25xx , PETs (Aka Personal Terminals) has been greatly updated, each civilian now owns a PET, with his own Navi, although, a very few, of the I.T school or government workers own their custom one.......Good start here... -Act One- The SchoolHmm...acts? Uh-oh. Looks like it's a script. -Mark : Hey guys, have ya seen my new PET, model 7 yet ? -Jarred : Oh please stop bragging, a PET is as good as it's operator -Mark : And I suppose that makes you as good as your PET model 5 -Jennie : Will ya stop picking on Jarred, Mike ? it's like your only amusement -Mark : Well DUH, He didn't beat me with his old junk since over 6months, I wonder why he's at the IT school, he should be transferred to an old classic school with blackboards -Teacher : Attention everyone, there will be an exam of net battling, of your custom navigators against viruses, top two navis will be granted a prize from the school's adminstration, a sword chip, wide sword and a long sword Mark : WHAT!?! , what should we do with that junk, my dad bought me WAAY better chips than those when I got my navigator -Teacher : It's not about the chips, it's about how you use them, now if you excuse me Okay, STOPRIGHTTHERE. What do these guys look like? You commonly forgot periods and I had no idea that there were other kids in this room! Usually scripts have a section before the action or during place in between lines in italics. You can describe stuff there, since I did not know that this school had people in it. I should know about that, as my mom's a playwright. And doesn't the teacher have a name? And the prize sucks. EVERYBODY has those chips. Even the people who don't. You forgot to capitalize and you misspelled "administration". You should type this up on a Word system(Microsoft Word)and spell check everything. Take your time and don't type it all on the post box. Act Two- Backyard -Jarred : Oh Jenn, I wish I had a PET 7, although I refuse to confess it to Mark, but it IS a good terminal with easier access to internet -Jennie : Well, just forget about it, hey, what about we go around ACDC and hunt for any viruses -Jarred : Ok I guess..., HEY, you know what, my dad just extended the wireless network to the backyard, we can sit on the bench there and go online -Jennie : Good idea First of all, whose backyard? Why is Jarred with Jenn instead of Mark? His PET for SOME STUPID REASON fell into 'his' own basement, so he should be with his guests. Why would he just forget about his PET and instead get his friends' old PET? We'll get to that soon. I like how you bring up different models of PETs, but you could go for more classification. Like some car called the '1956 Blackbird' instead of the '1957...'. What kind of loser drops a PET planted firmly in his hands? And I don't see many basements with windows anymore, so how was I supposed to know that there was a window by the, uh, bench seven feet awaythat could fit a PET? While Mark was jacking in, his PET slipped and fell to the basement through the windows Mark : OMG, MY PET Jennie : Don't worry PET 5 was pretty much strong, it shouldn't break, just go and get it Mark: ok, brb PEOPLE DON'T USE CHATSPEAK IN REAL LIFE UNLESS THEY'RE NOOBS!! When was the last time you ever said 'OMG!' and somebody yelled 'LOL!!' at you? GTFO, chatspeak. And why is that dude allowed to snoop around his friends' basement? He could STEAL something, y'know! And friends don't let friends snoop around basements by themselves. Act Three- The Finding Mark ** Whoa, it's quite dark here As Mark is going down to the basement he fell on the stairs down as he stumbled across an old wooden box Mark * Hey, what's that Opens the box, and he find an old, rust PET 3 Hey, that must be one of dad's old PETs, but it's weird that it looks like if it got a custom navigator... guess I'll just activate it Dude, if you fall down stairs, you say 'ow'. Remember it. And does plastic get rust(y)? I thought that all PETs from 500 freaking years ago were PLASTIC-LIKE. NOT METALLIC. How does plastic get rusty, and why would they go to an inferior building material? And isn't it supposed to be Jarred's basement, since HIS DAD probably didn't go through all the trouble of wiring up cool internet services for some random kid his son knows? Dude, he STOLE from his friend and didn't care. That guy's a jerk. ACTIVATING........ONLINE Mark ** Hey, it actually works after all that time... wow, it's been like a 100 years since that model was around Um, would a DS work in 100 years, even if it was 100% plastic? Navi : A....t you....our servic-e.e Mark sees a red navi, with a broken emblem on his chest, so he couldn't recognize it at all, with white hair and slim body NOW THERE YOU GO!! You used the proper description-thing!! You have now described ONE GUY. Now tell me what Mark looks like. Mark : Hey guess your speech system is ruined, maybe I'll ask dad to take a look at it, what's your name ? Navi : I.... do no-t.t quitee-e rememb...er, I belie..-eve it was.... Slasher Chapter One- The End So your dad has extensive knowledge of 100 year-old technology? That's some dad. And isn't that guy Slasher MAN?! Just look at how many navis don't have Man in their names. That list includes Bass(too cool to have man), Punk(too badss to have man), Serenade(too girl to have man) and the girl navis. This is of course such a short list, but I don't quite see how Slasher MAN would fit in any criteria. Unless he was a SHE?! Chapter Two- The SchoolErm, no. Title=suck. Act One- The FixNow THIS is a better name! Considering how much time he ACTUALLY SPENT AT SCHOOL HERE. -Jarred : Dad, is that your old PET ? -Robin : mmmm, an old original Pet III, founded by the government, supports a custom navigator of level8.... a really classic one, but it isn't mine, where did you find that ? -Jarred : Well, I found it in an old box in the basement -Robin : Well, it could be your grandpa's, he used to give me lots of spare parts to supply my researches, but I don't remind seeing this... -Jarred : Wish grandpa was alive to tell me... I miss him so much -Robin : What happened has happened Jarred, no use for crying over spilled milk, now let's go make lunch, you didn't forget that you got tons of leftover homework did you ? -Jarred : OH MAN, well... can't you fix that PET for me dad ? PLEAAASE -Robin : Well if I can get his software I'm sure I can, but I don't think I can get his emblem back, after all, since he got long memory loss then he can't remember it even if I fix his software -Jarred : Just do your best dad, THANKS WOW, MARK ISN'T A THIEF AND HE ACTUALLY GAVE THE PET TO JARRED. I WISH I HAD KNOWN THAT SOONER. ANYWAYS... If the PET was 100 years old, then his gandpappy must've had a baby in his 80's and died soon after. If it belonged to his grandpa who had the 100 year old PET, then how could Jarred 'miss his grandpa'? Was he 120 when he died? Whoo-ee. And how could his dad fix that old heap of PLASTIC? Nobody has stuff to build a 1906 car or anything nowadays, so I'm just sayin'...that it's impossible. THANKS(.) Act Two- The Next Day -Robin : JAAAARRREEEEEEEEEEEEEED. WAKE UP UR LATE FOR SCHOOL -Jarred : OH MAN, NOT AGAIN Runs to bathroom* He ran to the bathroom...why? He's a bedwetter? He had diarrhea? What kid runs to the bathroom to escape school? He's gonna hide in the toilet? That may work... -Jarred : So dad, did you fix the Pet ? -Robin : Oh yea, I fixed his speech, he seems to really have big knowledge about navigating, yet he can't remember his emblem or real operator -Jarred : That's a pity.... well, can I take him to school instead of my old navi ? -Robin : I guess you can try him, his software is pretty much complex so he should be able to help with really advanced maths lessons -Jarred : AWESOME -Robin : Oh and I almost forgot, I added a chip so that he can't help with homework -Jarred : NO WAY falls to the ground Well, about now we know that Mark isn't the main character and was just a sham that killed our hopes and dreams. In chapter one he was the guy with the most dialogue. So just why? Why did he say so much if he'd do nothing as important as Jarred will? And did he even find his old PET? I've also learned why nobody talked to their navis in chapter one: They freaking hate the little suckers and'll chuck their faithful servants away in a heartbeat to use a cool stranger! Yeah!! Oh, and the homework joke was failure, and the facefall was worth absolutely nothing but a waste of my time reading it. They're never fun to see in an anime, and it's sad to see people using them for no reason. TBC~~~~~ So, as you can see here, I've typed way more stuff about the errors than the good storyline. You need to work out everything before putting it into action, because without some tune-ups I'll never really read this for pleasure again. Your main problems are punctuation and grammar. You also need to fix the humor and erase all unnecessary humor. Only keep the funny stuff. Your premise is pretty interesting, though, and I'd like to see how Slasher MAN does in this new, alien world of 500 years in the future that for some reason has no real improvements over the world of 20XX. This could lead to some cool story arcs and may even be a top read for me, but it just needs to be loved a bit more... I'd give it, as it stands, a 3/10, and those 3 points are attributed to its developing plot. If you want some help fixing everything, you can send me some PMs and talk about some arrangements, but I REALLY JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT my criticism was harsh, but I wasn't trying to be hurtful or hateful.



Death Angel	Feb 18 2009, 11:30 PM Post #10
Chaos Member Ω Posts: 393 Group: Members Member #3,660 Joined: January 8, 2009	um... I think the old Navi is Protoman, because he said that Mark saw a red Navi with white hair(thats Protoman for sure). the rest is too much details you was right about. You rolled a: 4! Edited by Death Angel, Feb 18 2009, 11:32 PM.



Zero6694	Feb 25 2009, 04:19 PM Post #11
Junior Member Posts: 23 Group: Members Member #3,765 Joined: February 19, 2009	the story sounds cool



Omega Bankai (Horo)	Feb 26 2009, 06:08 PM Post #12
Dark Member Posts: 65 Group: Members Member #3,705 Joined: January 25, 2009	Does this have anything to do with card games? Card games A school for Netbattlers? I mean thats what yugioh gx is.



Punk	Mar 3 2009, 01:25 PM Post #13
Ultimate Member Posts: 851 Group: Members Member #2,296 Joined: March 5, 2008	Zero6694 Feb 25 2009, 04:19 PM the story sounds cool Why is it that only newbs enjoy so much un-productive work? On every forum, newbs always swarm crappy sprite comics with praise. Does this story really deserve it, especially since it's DEAD now, with no updates? Seriously, get a better attention span. And people who don't use punctuation are, guess what, ANNOYING NEWBS. FIX THAT. I'm sorry for being harsh, but I hate it when people get credit they don't deserve. And Horo is cool.



Agro	Mar 4 2009, 04:11 PM Post #14
Posts: 1,147 Group: Hacked Battle Contest Winner Member #3,428 Joined: October 25, 2008	Hey cool i like it make some more "chapters".



Punk	Mar 5 2009, 07:05 AM Post #15
Ultimate Member Posts: 851 Group: Members Member #2,296 Joined: March 5, 2008	Agro-Bonds Mar 4 2009, 04:11 PM Hey cool i like it make some more "chapters". Didn't you listen to me? NO. THIS STORY IS DEAD, HE'S NOT MAKING ANY MORE, STOP BEING SO NOOBISH!!



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