| Welcome to Protogene. We hope you enjoy your visit. You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free. Join our community! If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features: |
| leonard Dante; npc | |
|---|---|
| Topic Started: Oct 3 2008, 07:24 PM (80 Views) | |
| Deleted User | Oct 3 2008, 07:24 PM Post #1 |
|
Deleted User
|
Name: Leonard Dante. the Damned. Birth Date: October 3, 1983. Physical Description: he is 5 foot 9 inches tall and 125lbs. He has long black hair and dark green eyes. He has pointed ears. Job: He is an artist; he uses he powers to help him with his art secretively. Equipment: He has two laser edged serrated katanas, Forieon and Corian. They are 3 times as strong as the strongest steal. Both swords have a hook on the end of the handle. He has a 25 foot chain that is nearly indestructible rapped around his stomach under his over shirt. The chain is 20lbs but can hold 1000lbs. the chain has a hook on the end of it. Powers: He is twice as strong a normal human. He moves 3 times a fast as a normal human. He is indestructible enough to handle a 45cal. shotgun gun at point blank ranch. But jade, holy objects, and silver tear straight through his armor. Jade and silver can also break through his swords and chains as if they were made of any normal metal. He can transmute up to 50lbs of material into anything else except jade or silver. He can transmute anything he can think of and understand the mechanics of. His transmutations are temporary and only last for up to 4 hours. He cannot change mass and there must be the appropriate elements in what he is transmuting for it to work. He also cannot change living tissue. The larger the change the longer it takes down to simple things being almost instant. Larger thing such as a car into a boat would take about 15 seconds. He also has to be touching whatever he changes. He has to clap his hands together before he can activate this power. He can control up to a small room of fire. His fire can be as hot as 400 degrees. He is also invulnerable to fire. He can use his fire control to hover. His fire control is part of his transmutation, and once he has made the fire he has little control over it other than its direction. Skills: Swordsmanship. He is a master samurai. Personality: He is the strong silent type. He is very graceful and methodical. He loves art and poetry about death and dark thoughts. He is willing to help but doesn't rush off just to save someone. He spend most of his time simply siting and thinking. He prefers to be out of sunlight, it causes him no pain he just doesn't like it. Past:he was an ordinary kid until a street gang killed his family. He hunted down every member of the gang and killed them all with his swords. His swords were a family treasure. Then he was taken by beings from a nightmare of realms. They filled him with dark energies and ordered him as a servant for 7 years. He worked as an assassin and solder for their dark purposes. They made him physical stronger and gave him the power to imposes his twisted mind upon things and change them. They changed his swords and his chain to help him in his dark work. Until he revolted and killed them and he moved to the city to find a place to be excepted. |
|
|
| The Royall J | Oct 5 2008, 09:18 AM Post #2 |
The Last Cool White Guy
  ![]](http://209.85.48.16/static/1/pip_r.png)
|
You need to embellish his personality and past more, much more. Where did he get the swords? When were his parents murdered? How much punishment can the swords withstand? How is the chain virtually indestructible? I don't like that he can handle that kind of firepower at such a close range without damage. How does he control fire? I suppose that could be part of his transmutation ability but you would have to list that or otherwise it becomes another power. How does his powers work on liquids and gases? What are the true extent of his transmutation? Can he create something with more mass and/or density than what he made it out of? How long does it take him to do different things? Can he create complex things such as a car? Or a gun? Or is he limited to simple objects? How does the power of the Nightmare give him this ability? I could understand being infused with nightmarish energy making him physically superior but is the transmutation just a strange side effect? And while I'm thinking of it what did they make him do in his seven years of servitude and how did he manage to kill his captors? How does sunlight affect him, as creatures infused with nightmare energy tend to be severely hampered by sunlight, does it hurt him at all or does it make his powers half as affective or something? |
| Do not walk in front of me I may not follow. Do not walk behind me I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend. | |
 |
|
| daioni | Oct 5 2008, 09:20 AM Post #3 |
Pro
|
Is this an NPC or a PC, because if this is meant to be a PC, you need more details. You are also trying to fit several different powers into one person. If I were you, I would change it to focus on alchemy and maybe some strength. Indestructability of that level is usually reserved for those who focus more on strength, and with everything you've added it is to much as a natural ability. If you want armor with the same ability, put it into equiptment and it would be acceptable. Take out the pyrokenesis and flight, those are completely seperate powers and should be treated as such. DETAILS!!!! Your powers need more details. Can he change gasses? Can he change air? Can he change living people? Does that kill them? When something changes back does it return to its original state? Does the substance follow equivilant exchange? As for equiptment, where do extra dimemtional beings get laser edged swords? That would require lasers, and doesn't make much sense since he was in nightmare. Past and personality need more detail. GIVE EXPLIANATIONS. Why did a bunch of monsters teach him to be a samerai? How did monsters learn about samerai styles and codes to begin with? Where did monsters get their hands on laser serrated samerai swords? How did his time in nightmare effect his personality? These are only a few of many questions you need to answer. Right now, he doesn't make sense, you seem to be giving him just about anything without plausable explianation, as well as trying to pump him up with as much as you can at once. |
| Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. | |
|
|
|
| Deleted User | Oct 10 2008, 06:35 PM Post #4 |
|
Deleted User
|
ok he is updated |
|
|
|
| The Royall J | Oct 10 2008, 08:24 PM Post #5 |
|
The Last Cool White Guy
|
His powers are contradictory, how does he control fire if once he has created it he can't control it anymore? I'd suggest just leaving that out until a later date. You still haven't answered my other questions. |
| Do not walk in front of me I may not follow. Do not walk behind me I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend. | |
|
|
|
| Deleted User | Oct 10 2008, 08:44 PM Post #6 |
|
Deleted User
|
yes i have and i fixed it |
|
|
|
| The Royall J | Oct 10 2008, 08:51 PM Post #7 |
|
The Last Cool White Guy
|
You didn't answer these questions. Or embellish his personality or past anymore at all. |
| Do not walk in front of me I may not follow. Do not walk behind me I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend. | |
|
|
|
| Deleted User | Oct 18 2008, 03:39 PM Post #8 |
|
Deleted User
|
now if you read all of those questions are answered. |
|
|
|
| The Royall J | Oct 18 2008, 08:08 PM Post #9 |
|
The Last Cool White Guy
|
Fix the grammar up a bit and he's good to go. |
| Do not walk in front of me I may not follow. Do not walk behind me I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend. | |
|
|
|
| Deleted User | Oct 27 2008, 07:03 PM Post #10 |
|
Deleted User
|
there i changed his spelling and stuff if theres more please tell me |
|
|
|
| The Royall J | Oct 27 2008, 07:10 PM Post #11 |
|
The Last Cool White Guy
|
You need to give an explanation on how he can control fire. Take out the hovering thing, you can add it as an upgrade if you want but I don't want it as part of the base. It doesn't make sense that he would be invulnerable to fire at all. Double his transmutation time for complicated things like a car, you might also want to add more knowledges so that he can actually create stuff like a car. You still need to fix up the grammar, run it through a grammar check or something if that helps, it's just really hard to read the way it is. |
| Do not walk in front of me I may not follow. Do not walk behind me I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend. | |
|
|
|
| Deleted User | Oct 27 2008, 07:56 PM Post #12 |
|
Deleted User
|
...no jus denie the character and ill change him to an npc |
|
|
|
| The Royall J | Oct 27 2008, 08:00 PM Post #13 |
|
The Last Cool White Guy
|
Ok.
Edited by The Royall J, Oct 27 2008, 08:03 PM.
|
| Do not walk in front of me I may not follow. Do not walk behind me I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend. | |
|
|
|
| 1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous) | |
| « Previous Topic · NPCs · Next Topic » |
