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Falco the Space Chicken; Techniques from Mr. Nice Man
Topic Started: May 29 2013, 07:56 PM (597 Views)
Kang
n00b
Alright fuckers, listen up. You want to win some matches, right? I'm assuming because you clicked on this post, you are a terrible fucking Falco, or you are a terrible fucking Falco. This is a guide to help you dinguses improve your button mashing so you can get all the bitches you want to piggyback on your ungodly excuse for a penis. Stop being the prey in Smash and become the predator Chris Hansen knows you really are. Keep reading.

Tired of being force fed Peach's turnips, having Marth's sword up your colon, or Fox's space dick in your vagina? Were you rattled when Captain Falcon asked you to show him your moves, but you were trying that whole time? Let me tell you faggots now that Captain Falcon was more impressed at the fact that you had the audacity to keep playing while you were swimming in your own pathetic tears and snot than your actual "moves." He made you his bitch and you know it.

How to beat C. Falcon:

1. First, you have to press Start on the title screen.
Great, if you made it this far, you know where the Start button is. Now I know you're at least strong enough to press buttons. If you messed this step up by pressing a wrong button, or pressing too many buttons, you will probably need to consult the game guide you saved (because apparently you fuckers really like guides), or your fingers are too fat to press a single button at a time and should walk up and down that Stairmaster your depressed mother bought for you that time when she cared at one point.

2. Now turn off the game. You can't beat him in your current form. Fuck off to your computer, go on YouTube, and learn how to play Falco from people who aren't maggots like you. Then consult me after your browser history contains only of Smash videos and pornhub.

How to beat Fox:

(work in progress)

How to beat Peach:

1. What the fuck are you calling yourself a man for if you cannot put a simple woman like Peach in her place? Stop being such a faggot and tell that bitch you won't pay for child support because that mushroom headed child she keeps pulling out from her womb does not look like you (because you couldn't lay Peach even if you wanted to, because you're a loser, and a faggot, and she's not real so stop thinking about it you lonely fuck).

2. Throw in a couple B-Hands and shine one of her eyes. This technique is hard to do because you have to chain attacks before she can pull out her phone and call the police.

How to beat Marth:

(work in progress)

_____________________________________________________

If you have any suggestions on what I should put in my guide, please feel free to fuck off because people are here to read my guide and not yours. Any comments appreciated to an extent. Criticism, constructive or not, will probably not be remotely considered because anybody who clicked on this guide does not deserve to have an opinion. Thanks, and happy smashing!

-Mr. Nice Man, Kang
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Teddy Bear
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n00b
Now Mr. Nice Man, I'm really happy for you, I'ma let you finish, but Zhu had one of the best Falcos of all time. One of the best Falcos of all time.
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Heibel
n00b
Zhuuuuuuuu!
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Maxy B
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Mid Tier
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
This is legendary.
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Wake
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Mid Tier
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
LOL
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Thor
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Bottom Tier
[ * ]
What is this garbage? The only character that Falco needs to be able to approach is Pikachu. or else like 20 upthrows later it's upsmash city. USELESS USELESS GUIDE!

Also, 1981 called, it wants its patriarchal views back dude. Peach will mess you over 7 ways from Sunday (hint: crouch-cancel her downsmash to prevent this!)

Unrelated note, I learned today from someone who hates Marth that the Falco-Marth matchup is 100 - 0 because anyone who plays Marth is already a loser. So really, that part of the guide is redundant (that's also why Marth dittos are 10-10-80 in favor of the guy who thinks Marth sucks.)***

***Shoutouts to Kevo (and RRR and our other MN Marth mains I don't know by name) for proving the above source a moron.
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Sync
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~
[ * ]
Ugh...Peach is so much harder to beat now that she's filed a restraining order on my Falco...
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