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satan repclaws visits:6 long scratches and one snakebite; anybody get presents here?
Topic Started: Dec 28 2009, 02:30 PM (5,540 Views)
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The meds were killing me.It was almost like smokin crack...almost.When I am around another person,I smell their spirit.When I'm around a lot of people,it stinks really bad...I find myself struggling to be happy.From the time I wake up,til I go back to sleep,my thoughts and feelings are a wirl wind.I go to the gym,and try my best to lift the world up and throw it into the wind!Robby helps me think,and apply.Yass teaches me the things I need to know.Necra is a good friend,and very wise.Paul,is my brother...and a lion!Epona...you just turned a lite on...and I see a path,but I have never been down that way before...Epona,I am at my weakest moment in life,(I can't believe I just made this public)I have lived for 43 years now...and 9 months ago,a friend said something that pierced my soul...he said"A boy,who is raised without a father is truly a lost soul".That was me...I have no identity,nothing to fall back on,no memories.I was raised in a pentecostal church(holy rollers).I was told at the age of 13,that I would die and go to hell if I didn't give my heart to the lord...in front of the whole church.One night they grabbed me and drug me to the alter...Yes,I was kicking and screaming! I was 12.They said I had demons in me.I remember looking over at my mother for help,but she was speaking gibberish bullshit and waving her hands in the air.Something happened to me at that moment.That was when I realized that I was alone in this place we call life.I started working out,and got big as hell.Then the preacher tried it again...This time I was ready! He reached for my forehead and I grabbed his wrist and threw it away...He looked around at the crowd and they all stood up and started speaking that reptile bullshit again.He reached to me again...I stood up,and didn't see my stepdad behind me as I reached back to punch the preacher as fuckin hard as I could.As I punched forward,my stepfather hooked his arm around mine.I flipped my stepfather over and knocked everything over.I stood there waiting for him to get up,but he was trapped.My egg donor (mother) stood in my way as I picked her up and threw her away.I kicked the double doors open,then turned around and screamed"FUCK ALL OF YOU!"That was the longest walk home.I was 15.I have chased my stepfather with a matchette down the hall taking chunks out of the wall ,trying my best to cut him...I have held a loaded rifle to his face and watched him cry for beating my mother.I held my uncle hostage,at gun point point for trying to molest my little sister.I shoved a shot gun into a life long friends mouth for molesting my daughter when she was only 2 years old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate this place Epona! This world,the stinkin air we breath!Sorry Epona...I can't vent! I can't find a way to VENT!!!
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Thanks Brother you are venting for many..... let it out and forgive yourself then move on.....
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epona
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Technique 1. Find a place to go where (hopefully) nobody will hear you scream. Go there. Find what kind of sounds your body wants to make. Keening like the indians do, or screaming your blooding guts out. Just screaming and screaming til you just don't feel like doing it anymore.

I had a heart attack one year. Two years later I was sliding back downhill and I needed to do something to take the pressure off. It was snowing. Went to a local out-of-the-way park few people use. I sat on a rock and started experimenting with my voice to see what my body needed. It was keening. I was making sounds like over a dead body. Guess my heart was keening for all the crap I have gone thru. Your heart is a real entity and it has a brain (yes it does), and it pays very well to listen to it. So I did this for a good while, til didn't feel like it any more that day. But when I left, definitely felt better. Felt like I had communed with myself, the earth, God, the allness.

Technique 2. Not so imaginary conversations. Make a list of everybody you have a beef with. As with everyone else on the planet, it will probably be a long one. List everything you can think of going back til you can't remember any earlier. List every person you have a grievance with and a brief 'how come'. You will use this list. Get where someone absolutely will not bother you and if you talk out loud, definitely won't hear you. Pick someone from the list and imagine them in a chair opposite you in your chair. Imagine in a room or if it makes you feel better, out by a creek or whatever it takes for a private one-on-one. Imagine them as good as you can sitting in that chair. First ask if you can talk and air out your grievance with them. They may so no, if you get that response, try another person on the list. They have to agree, even in imagination, to talk with you. Because, in reality, you really are talking to a piece of them on the inner planes. So, ok, somebody says yes. So you tell them everything you have a beef about between you and them. Let it all hang out. First you will be pissed and angry and you probably will be saying hateful things. After that all gushes out keep your ears open to see if they have anything to say yet. Don't force it. They may tell you to just continue or egg you on a little or give you a look, whatever. If they say something think about it. I mean really think about it. Listen to how you respond. Think about why you said it, how it made you feel originally and how you feel about it now that you can look at it from a distance. Get to the root of the feeling. Were you angry cause he pissed you off cause....blah blah....cause this...cause maybe you didn't look so hot in front of somebody (ego) or maybe it made you made cause you were afraid of something else? blah, blah, blah on and on, you know? Drill down to the rotten root of your inner self. Expose it. Think about it. All this is for just that one person and you. You may not be able to get to the root even in one long session. May take you a few, especially if the subject is extremely touchy. But you get the idea. At the base of all the shadows people have is usually some kind of fear after trudging thru all the crap the ego throws in your path (and it is mountainous!). All this for dealing with one person....and your list is long (all our lists are long).

I would start with someone you had a small beef with first to get used to the idea as the touchy ones may take weeks or months. The main thing is to get more and more honest with your inner self and work it out with the other inner person until you can come to some kind of peace or at least a truce. Some you may not be able to talk with at all for a long time yet.

I can relate to your childhood, every last bit. When I moved from the city to the country I refused to tell my mother how to get to my house. I didn't trust her not to try and kill me or kidnap my child. So, you see, there are many other people that have gone thru some freaky dysfunctional crap. You are not alone, not for a second. It's just that, like you, they think they have nobody to talk to, that nobody else has a freaky family like theirs, and my God, I hope it's not in the blood....I am related to those people! And on and on.

There is really NOTHING new under the sun Gunroshin, people just HIDE it. We all have to look like winners you know, it is our societal programming kicking in. And we are all programmed in both human ways and TPTB ways. Thank goodness you have yourself! With yourself, you can do ANYTHING. Just think. You have already helped yourself immensely and done some good stuff for yourself and others. You may weeble and wobble, but Steady Eddy is the key. Don't give up, keep on plodding. Three steps forward, one back, another forward....keep on trucking!

Too little or too much hormones really eff with your brain and whole nervous system. Look at kids nowdays. Girls bud out at what, 7 now? Hey, it was 13 when I was young. There are hormones in milk, all meat, soy/tofu, pesticides. You can buy hormone free milk at the regular store. Rhb free or something like that. Better yet, almond milk is out now (but you can't cook with it and have it taste the same, but vanilla is great on cereal). Meats, you can find a good butcher that gets locally grown meats that are healthy or find Amish chicken or buy meat at Whole Foods Market in larger towns. Lunchmeats have lots of nitrates (saltpeter, I'll give you one guess for that word). I love junk food too, but cut way down. Your family doesn't have to eat rabbit food to be healthy, just eat WISELY. Fresh is better than frozen, is better than canned...is an easy thing to remember at the store.

And whatever you do.....don't eat oleo/margerine! Poisons in a fatty product will stay in the fat of your body (wherever it hides on your body, round the organs, in the fat in your brain -- yes it NEEDS fats! -- around your nerve coatings, etc.) for eons, so get GOOD fats. Extra virgin olive oil (good for making tomato dishes), organic oils like grapeseed have an almost nonexistent taste if you are a connossieur cook/baker. Canola (sorry people) is not good for you. I don't give a crap what anyone says. It is really from rapeseed, which they originally declared poisonous and banned until they found a way to market it...then, bingo! Suddenly it was good for you. So FYI. Butter needs to be real butter and best to be organic. Remember the chemical milk scare 20 yrs ago? Organic if at all possible. Buy free range eggs or eggbeaters. The fresh veggies you can get regular, but for the root veggies, organic is better because they are roots that -store- stuff....like fertilizer slag. Sugar. Yeah, you can still have it. But get organic. Not orobindo or all that fancy stuff....just plain organic sugar, cream colored. There is organic brown sugar and powdered sugar too for making cookies :) See? Not so bad. Organic sugar does not react the same in the body as processed sugar (at least my body tells me that). Organic orange juice, once you drink that, you will tell regular oj has a wang to it. Oh, fruit. Fresh fruit is the very worst for having TONS of pesticides on them. Doesn't matter how much you wash them either. Berries are best bought organic, but we all know our budgets nowdays can only handle so much quality products before it goes kapoof, do the best you can.

If you eat stuff you normally eat, just better quality, you may want to eventually integrate more healthy food in. You know, like a salad here and there. Chef salad with cheese chunks and chilled garbanzo beans or black beans can be interesting. My partner likes salad with cheese and fruit like grapes and blueberries. Avacados...yum if you can find decent ones.

So don't know why I keep gravitating back to food for you, but there it is. Changing your food will affect you more than protein drinks and vitamins and all that other stuff they say will help you. Yeah, I know what they have been telling you too, I've read it too. Food has REAL vibrations, REAL minerals, REAL vitamins. Btw, be wary of soy/tofu.

You are into body building, let me tell you about somebody. Do you know who Jack Lalanne is? http://www.jacklalanne.com/
The guy was popular on tv back when I was just a toddler. I remember him and his white german shepherd doing fitness shows on tv. His life was a mess too. He figured out to drop all the junk food and do real food and exercise, and he NEVER turned back. He was like a national institution or something, really. When he was around 70 or so he swam the channel in Miami TOWING several boats with a rope in his mouth. No help. Still looked fit and muscled. Now that's what I call an example! Simply wonderful man that tried to get the every day person to do just simple exercises to get them interested in fitness.

Gotta get the crap out of your system so you can at least do YOUR own thinking and not what some wacko chemical is doing to your neural transmitters Gunroshin. They mess with your brain to no end! And you know the old saying: garbage in, garbage out.

This and the venting ideas will take you a good while and help you slowly but surely change your vibrations. Gotta work out your issues and deal with your inner self, but gotta have some decent brains to work with, so the food matters. Nobody ever heard of an insane vegetarian....so see....food makes a difference in how you react because it supports or poisons your neurotransmitters and organs.

Driving home today remembered another book that is really helpful in relationships. As in man vs woman stuff. It is called Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars. Get the old original, it's been around a long time. If you have never read anything like this before it will definitely open your eyeballs in down-to-earth language. It is all about how come men and women don't understand each other. No science stuff, just everyday real stuff. And yep, hormones DO affect the brain and that is WHY women think one way (estrogen/emotions dominant) and men think another way (testosterone/logic dominant).

<......getting off soap box......stashing it under the bed....and GOING to bed!
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epona
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And um, the thing about being around others and it smells strange? Think of it as a talent. Smells are vibrations. This may metamorph into a horse of a different color that could be very helpful to you after you detox a bit. It does not mean you are unhuman; just that you probably have many more talents to discover as you travel your journey. :)
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Robby
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Hey D

Do you really believe: "A boy, who is raised without a father is truly a lost soul", so here lies a question for you, "do you believe that you are a lost soul"????

Here's what you have done, you have imprinted lost into your neuro pathway, this cause you to feel that there's no chance of finding yourself.......your battle at present is lost and found, make peace within that you are not lost, that your road is ahead of you, that by staying focus (consciously aware) you are about to lift yourself from crawling and stand up and experience life with new eyes!

Paul has mentioned to forgive yourself and then move on, remember that forgiveness of self is the understanding of your experience, the why, how, the outcome and most important what you take from it in awareness in order for it not to repeat........ that should release the vibration within..... I often come across people who have imprinted a loop that states that " I'll forgive, but not forget".....be careful....that my dear friend is not forgiveness as one still holds that vibration within, to constant remind them, so when you forgive yourself it is the release of that emotional pattern, that constantly hold you.....the release is the understanding of self..........Beware that you will be presented with a lesson of what you have forgiven yourself, you should be able to see it coming from a mile, your response will amaze you, as you will see all the emotional patterns unlocking answers within that will be flooding you with feelings, this is done in order to confirm your own progression. ;)

Epona, is absolutely correct in her statement regarding your smelling abilities, as my wife is able to smell a good person from a bad, from childhood, its mind boggling how accurate she is, you have a gift use it correctly, you will be amazed how powerful it becomes once you've balanced yourself out!

:D
Information is a gift no one owns it because everyone is it.
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