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Faux News: The Election is Canceled; Chancellor Catastrophe
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Topic Started: Dec 19 2014, 06:32 PM (180 Views)
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Calvin Coolidge
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Dec 19 2014, 06:32 PM
Post #1
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☆Kawaii Panda☆
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Today, as you all know, the Presidential election was supposed to begin at 12:00pm EST, according to Supreme Chancellor and all-around HEM, HEM. Unfortunately, as you all know, the election did not begin at that time. According to a little-known law written by former President Unibot (don't send us any letters about this, please), this means the election is canceled, and the region is hereby disbanded. Return to your homes, and vacate the premises. At Faux News, we take our news very seriously, so we interviewed several prominent Europeians to gauge how they felt about this tragedy.
First, we went to current President, and now former President, Malashaan. "This is awful, simply awful. I had the whole thing set up where Mouse would get into a runoff with Seven Deaths, I'd arrange for him to have a little accident, drop out of the race, have Mouse lose to abstain, then keep my term going forever. Now there is no region for me to even be President of! This is completely ridiculous, and I can honestly say I will be literally killing somebody over this. Likely still Seven Deaths, because screw that guy. I mean, you can't name yourself Seven Deaths if you don't expect somebody to test how many times you can actually be killed." Malashaan looked up, and saw that he was at a press conference. He hurriedly added, "What I meant to say was that I am in shock about this turn of events and am deeply saddened. Also, I will not kill anybody, especially Seven Deaths. Thank you."
We then went to former Vice Presidential candidate, and current hottie, Rach. "I mean, this is just so frustrating." She pouted and gave a little huff. "The only reason I ran for office was to have fun, and run in a race. I mean, everyone always tells me that they love seeing me walk away, so I figured if I ran, they'd like it even more." She moved in closer and asked quietly, "Why don't people want me to have fun? You want me to have fun, right?" This reporter nodded very quickly, so as not to disappoint the interviewee. Rach smiled and said, "Good. Now, could you do my math homework? I've got so many things to do today, and I'd hate to have to put off my plans because of some silly like homework. You understand, right?" She got her purse and started walking out the door, and as she left she called out, "Thanks, love ya, bye." This reporter now felt very confused, and very disappointed.
Finally, we went to former President/Grand Admiral Kraketopia. "Oh, this is just awful. I had planned to have a military operation sometime soon, but now that there is no region, I just can't see what the point is anymore. I mean, my aides have said that I could use this time of chaos to my advantage and use the military to install myself as dictator, and that sounds great, until I start thinking about it. It would take a lot of trouble to stir so many people up, then I'd have to force some other people out of power, then I'd have to set up a whole new government. At this point, I'm getting nervous just thinking about it. No, that sort of thing is better left to men of stronger constitution, like my wife Haley. As we speak she is axe murdering a fellow named Seven Deaths on the request of my good friend Malashaan. That Haley, she's such a go-getter."
In summary, the region is doomed, the world is doomed, everything is over. You heard it here first, there is no safe place anymore, the end times are upon us.
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 The Panda's Pen is a newspaper I write. All hail Swift.
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North East Somerset
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Dec 19 2014, 06:48 PM
Post #2
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Wheels within Wheels
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That was brilliant.
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Curriculum vitae ACCEL: Former Secretary of Foreign Affairs and Intelligence Director.
Albion: Earl Marshall of the Royal Albion Legion. Former Sheriff of Bowerstone and Administrator.
Asgard: Former Duke of Freyja and Administrator.
Balder: Crown Prince and Vice Delegate. Administrator. Former Delegate, Foreign Minister and Security Minister.
Empires of Earth: Former Defence Minister.
Europeia: Director of the Europeian Intelligence Agency. Administrator. Former President, Vice President, Vice Chancellor, Senator, Grand Admiral and Foreign Minister.
GB&I: King. Lord of Ireland. Lord High Admiral of the Fleet. Director of the Royal Intelligence Agency. Administrator. Former Prime Minister, Foreign Minister, MP and Commander.
Lazarus: Former Foreign Secretary and Emerald Councillor.
LKE: Lord High Steward. Director General of the Imperial Intelligence Agency. Earl. Administrator. Former Crown Prince, Foreign Minister, Defence Minister and Deputy Prime Minister.
Osiris: Former Scribe of Intelligence and Security, and Administrator.
SRATO: Former General Secretary.
The Kodiak Republic: Former Foreign Minister and MP.
TNI: Administrator and Executive Director of Intelligence. Former Crown Prince, Reich Elector, Deputy Reich Chancellor, Chief Justice, Foreign Minister, MP and Commander.
UIAF: Former Associate Commander. Character references "NES is hard." - Earth22, Pillar of Society.
"NES: A bastard in all his magnificence."- Julian Anumia, General pervert.
"NES touches me in ways no other man can." - Cerebella, Wise statesman.
"NES is a gaylord." - Michael the Great Man, Inactive Royalist Guy.
"NES, I love you in that platonic sort of way." - Heras Savaer, Top Banana in Unknown.
"NES is the kind of guy who puts out the cigar on your ass when he's finished." - Seymour, My Favourite Ashtray.
"Who needs a husband, when NES is your daddy." - Florence, My Model Daughter.
"NES makes it hard for me" - Rachel Anumia, Ms Hawt Stuff
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Seven Deaths
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Dec 20 2014, 02:21 AM
Post #3
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Super-heated infusion of free-radicals and tannins
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OMG. This is the best.
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"The Senate is my porn." ~ Cat "If the sea was whiskey and he was a duck... I reckon SD could drain it." ~ CptCarrot "and why teh FUCK am I not mentioned in your Euro sig" ~ My Beautiful Wife, MagentaFairy "Certified bamf" ~ Master bamf CSP The Rt. Hon. Seven Deaths Saxton, EEN EBS OR4
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Anumia
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Dec 20 2014, 02:27 AM
Post #4
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Anumia Novo Spiritus
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This is quite well done.
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Signature The One. The Allfather.-- "He stood with his head held high, critics screaming, and did what he truly felt was best for Europeia." - Common-Sense Politics He's the only person in NationStates who can successfully combine outrageous pomposity with a real support for democracy. - Indycar Racing Do I really need to talk about Anumia? The guy can write like Shakespeare, think like Socrates, and I learned on EuroChat yesterday that he can sing too. I bet he's hung like a bull moose. - Common-Sense Politics Anumia, you have a great mind. - Lethen Someone like Anumia only comes around once in a while. - Kabanatuanistan To be perfectly honest, I'm just going to trust Anumia and approve - Falconias I saw your amendment and wondered whether I had died and gone to heaven. It's beautiful. - Swakistek This is why we should all listen to Anumia. Clearly he is a god amongst men. - Fortana | You are not all knowing. You are not all powerful. You are not Anumia. - Griff I have the greatest respect for Anumia - don't let this thread fool you - but I wish he'd stop winning. - Hyanygo Actually, Hy, the things I wanted to say were: Go Anumia! I love Anumia! - Lethen Anumia with whatever power I have I hereby declare you the winner of everything, forever. - Fortana Long live the Emperor! All Hail Anumia, King of Kings! - Peaceful Llamas How about we realize democracy here is flawed and we make Anumia our dictator? - karthikking I agree with you, Anumia, as all Europeians should. - Swakistek To be honest I'm just going to vote whatever way Anumia votes. - Fortana |
Awards I fought in the Osiris Campaign.
  Amusing Quotes - Quote:
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Olde Delaware: AE, The Devil's Game, SPC, NS says (7:36 AM): I need you Sai'on'ay the Light Elf (Shower) says (7:37 AM): For? Olde Delaware: AE, The Devil's Game, SPC, NS says (7:37 AM): an Anumia vs Anumia debate  Olde Delaware: AE, The Devil's Game, SPC, NS says (7:38 AM): Were doing a 4 part debating series with Europeia and Rougiers brought up doing a "Anumia vs Anumia" debate I want you to be our Anumia
- Klatonia,Jul 5 2011
- 04:03 AM
Drop dead, Dre.
- Lethen
- Aug 15 2013, 03:00 AM
You think I fact-check the shit I say? 
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Kraketopia
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Dec 23 2014, 05:30 AM
Post #5
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SD's head looks great mounted in my trophy room. Haley's such a romantic, always turning her victims into trophies for me
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C.V.
Past Positions
President - Three
Grand Admiral - Eight
Minister of Foreign Affairs - Three
Minister of Communications - Two
Speaker - One
Deputy Speaker - Three
Senator - Seven
Chief Justice - One
Associate Justice - Five
2014 Europeian of the Year
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Mousebumples
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Dec 23 2014, 05:38 AM
Post #6
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If you give this mouse a cookie, she'll probably ask for some cheese.
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Europeian Awards Nation Details UN/WA Resolutions I've Passed Quotes "There are infinite Mousebumple s." - Common-Sense Politics [ Source]
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Seven Deaths
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Dec 23 2014, 06:16 AM
Post #7
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Super-heated infusion of free-radicals and tannins
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- Kraketopia
- Dec 23 2014, 05:30 AM
SD's head looks great mounted in my trophy room. Haley's such a romantic, always turning her victims into trophies for me  I'm going to need that back. It was a rental.
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"The Senate is my porn." ~ Cat "If the sea was whiskey and he was a duck... I reckon SD could drain it." ~ CptCarrot "and why teh FUCK am I not mentioned in your Euro sig" ~ My Beautiful Wife, MagentaFairy "Certified bamf" ~ Master bamf CSP The Rt. Hon. Seven Deaths Saxton, EEN EBS OR4
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Ninja Kittens
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Dec 23 2014, 06:19 AM
Post #8
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Beautiful Stranger
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- Seven Deaths
- Dec 23 2014, 06:16 AM
- Kraketopia
- Dec 23 2014, 05:30 AM
SD's head looks great mounted in my trophy room. Haley's such a romantic, always turning her victims into trophies for me 
I'm going to need that back. It was a rental. You'll have to file a request for reheading with the appropriate paper shredder and then wait for nobody to get back to you.
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 You must be imaginative and strong-hearted. You must try things that may not work. You must not let others define your limits, because your only limits are your soul.
signature 


   CV Europeia: Former Senator Former Deputy Minister of the Interior Former Deputy Minister of Foreign Affairs Former Deputy Minister of Culture Former Minister of Culture Former Chairwoman of the Citizens' Assembly x2 Former Senator Aide x3 Former Ambassador to Osiris Former Ambassador to Balder Former Ensign of the ERN
The Universal Allegiance: Former World Assembly Delegate x5 Former Minister of the Armed Forces x3 Director of the Universal Allegiance Marine Corps Former Minister of Foreign Affairs x5 Former Supreme Chancellor x1 Former Member of the Ruling Council x11 Veteran of The Allegiance
Ainur: Former Senator Former Speaker of the Senate
Osiris: Former Councillor of the Deshret
Balder: Former MP in the Storting
Lazarus: Daughter of Fenghuang Former WA Delegate Former LLA Guard Former Grand Advisor Former Director of Ceremonies
Family Daughter of Rachel Eriksen Sister of JGlenn, Aexnidaral, Apollo, and Shin Mother of Sloosh.
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Anumia
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Dec 23 2014, 07:18 AM
Post #9
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Anumia Novo Spiritus
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Signature The One. The Allfather.-- "He stood with his head held high, critics screaming, and did what he truly felt was best for Europeia." - Common-Sense Politics He's the only person in NationStates who can successfully combine outrageous pomposity with a real support for democracy. - Indycar Racing Do I really need to talk about Anumia? The guy can write like Shakespeare, think like Socrates, and I learned on EuroChat yesterday that he can sing too. I bet he's hung like a bull moose. - Common-Sense Politics Anumia, you have a great mind. - Lethen Someone like Anumia only comes around once in a while. - Kabanatuanistan To be perfectly honest, I'm just going to trust Anumia and approve - Falconias I saw your amendment and wondered whether I had died and gone to heaven. It's beautiful. - Swakistek This is why we should all listen to Anumia. Clearly he is a god amongst men. - Fortana | You are not all knowing. You are not all powerful. You are not Anumia. - Griff I have the greatest respect for Anumia - don't let this thread fool you - but I wish he'd stop winning. - Hyanygo Actually, Hy, the things I wanted to say were: Go Anumia! I love Anumia! - Lethen Anumia with whatever power I have I hereby declare you the winner of everything, forever. - Fortana Long live the Emperor! All Hail Anumia, King of Kings! - Peaceful Llamas How about we realize democracy here is flawed and we make Anumia our dictator? - karthikking I agree with you, Anumia, as all Europeians should. - Swakistek To be honest I'm just going to vote whatever way Anumia votes. - Fortana |
Awards I fought in the Osiris Campaign.
  Amusing Quotes - Quote:
-
Olde Delaware: AE, The Devil's Game, SPC, NS says (7:36 AM): I need you Sai'on'ay the Light Elf (Shower) says (7:37 AM): For? Olde Delaware: AE, The Devil's Game, SPC, NS says (7:37 AM): an Anumia vs Anumia debate  Olde Delaware: AE, The Devil's Game, SPC, NS says (7:38 AM): Were doing a 4 part debating series with Europeia and Rougiers brought up doing a "Anumia vs Anumia" debate I want you to be our Anumia
- Klatonia,Jul 5 2011
- 04:03 AM
Drop dead, Dre.
- Lethen
- Aug 15 2013, 03:00 AM
You think I fact-check the shit I say? 
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Writinglegend
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Dec 23 2014, 03:20 PM
Post #10
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Sleepy Gleg.
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Click Me! Snorlax of EuropeiaQuotes on Me "Writinglegend, you're a wonderful leader, and I'm honored to have had this experience with you. Congratulations on what you've accomplished, it's truly inspiring." - Calvin "Thank you, WL. I owe a lot to your diligence and hard work. I hope you're proud of your work here; I know I am." - Sopo "Writinglegend was, and still is, a great comrade in the Navy. And he is one helluva leader." - Prometheus "Writinglegend is truly remarkable: from his crazy antics in Town of Salem, to his hilarious propensity for falling for pranks, to his steadfast leadership and hard work. I just can't speak highly enough of him. He's as unique as they come" - Sopo "I couldn't have asked for a better person to "grow up" with in this region than Writinglegend, it's been truly... legendary." - Calvin "Writinglegend was a privilege to work under during these terms, and I would probably have to classify him as my favourite Europeian President." - Kraken Other Information NS Family [icon]heart[/icon] Married to Kounelli Rothschild, Father of Coherbia Rothschild, Son of Kraken Rothschild and Haley Rothschild, Brother of Calvin RothschildNS Stuff
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Kraketopia
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Dec 23 2014, 03:53 PM
Post #11
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- Ninja Kittens
- Dec 23 2014, 06:19 AM
- Seven Deaths
- Dec 23 2014, 06:16 AM
- Kraketopia
- Dec 23 2014, 05:30 AM
SD's head looks great mounted in my trophy room. Haley's such a romantic, always turning her victims into trophies for me 
I'm going to need that back. It was a rental.
You'll have to file a request for reheading with the appropriate paper shredder and then wait for nobody to get back to you.
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C.V.
Past Positions
President - Three
Grand Admiral - Eight
Minister of Foreign Affairs - Three
Minister of Communications - Two
Speaker - One
Deputy Speaker - Three
Senator - Seven
Chief Justice - One
Associate Justice - Five
2014 Europeian of the Year
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Cpt.Carrot
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Dec 23 2014, 08:34 PM
Post #12
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Boogy Woogy Bugle Boy of Company "B"
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Krake you should be proud of your son, helping a lady out with her homework. We should induct him as a Gentlemanpanda.
I loved it, too brilliant for words!
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Drummer Captain Carrot!  "Though I try to cheer my comrades and be gay." HEM be sillyMy reputation & other quotes That's right Hodge-podge of stuff Some funny things that caught my attention - Lao-Tzu
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It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you come to realize that there can be value in solving problems without using violence
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"Tell me, is there anything worn under the kilt?" "No, lassie, it's all in good working order!"
Motivations Desiderata ~ By Max Ehrmann Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. - By Max Ehrmann The Thousanth Man ~ Rudyard Kipling 0NE man in a thousand, Solomon says. Will stick more close than a brother. And it's worth while seeking him half your days If you find him before the other. Nine hundred and ninety-nine depend On what the world sees in you, But the Thousandth Man will stand your friend With the whole round world agin you.
'Tis neither promise nor prayer nor show Will settle the finding for 'ee. Nine hundred and ninety-nine of 'em go By your looks, or your acts, or your glory.
But if he finds you and you find him, The rest of the world don't matter; For the Thousandth Man will sink or swim With you in any water.
You can use his purse with no more talk Than he uses yours for his spendings, And laugh and meet in your daily walk As though there had been no lendings.
Nine hundred and ninety-nine of 'em call For silver and gold in their dealings; But the Thousandth Man he's worth 'em all Because you can show him your feelings.
His wrong's your wrong, and his right's your right, In season or out of season. Stand up and back it in all men's sight With that for your only reason!
Nine hundred and ninety-nine can't bide The shame or mocking or laughter, But the Thousandth Man will stand by your side To the gallows-foot - and after!
"Get these Motherfucking Anumias out of my Motherfucking region!" - Noto, whilst operating heavy weaponry during the June 2016 Civil War
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Seven Deaths
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Dec 23 2014, 10:10 PM
Post #13
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Super-heated infusion of free-radicals and tannins
- Posts:
- 11,135
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- Ninja Kittens
- Dec 23 2014, 06:19 AM
- Seven Deaths
- Dec 23 2014, 06:16 AM
- Kraketopia
- Dec 23 2014, 05:30 AM
SD's head looks great mounted in my trophy room. Haley's such a romantic, always turning her victims into trophies for me 
I'm going to need that back. It was a rental.
You'll have to file a request for reheading with the appropriate paper shredder and then wait for nobody to get back to you. I've already filled out the proper paperwork. Three times!
When will nobody get back to me!?
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"The Senate is my porn." ~ Cat "If the sea was whiskey and he was a duck... I reckon SD could drain it." ~ CptCarrot "and why teh FUCK am I not mentioned in your Euro sig" ~ My Beautiful Wife, MagentaFairy "Certified bamf" ~ Master bamf CSP The Rt. Hon. Seven Deaths Saxton, EEN EBS OR4
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