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Faux News: Malashaan's Death Cult; It's a Secret to Everybody
Topic Started: Nov 17 2014, 09:52 PM (127 Views)
Calvin Coolidge
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☆Kawaii Panda☆

President Malashaan is halfway through his term, and we at Faux News decided it was time to investigate what he has accomplished, and what his plans are for the rest of the term. We began our journey by looking at the EON, as it is by far the most exciting part of this administration. What we found in our research is one of the most startling discoveries in the history of startling discoveries: President Malashaan is running a secret death cult.

This discovery was brought to our attention by former Senator, and current Brewmaster of Europeia, MSF (formerly known as modernsin). We sat down with him to gather this interview. "Bro, this is heavy stuff. I was listening to the EON interview the other day, chillaxing in my pad, smoking a joint, when I thought it'd be totally radical if I just played it backwards. You know, to get a better high. What I heard was mind-blowing stuff, man. I just heard PhDre saying 'death to Anumia, death to Europeia' over and over again. And I checked, my phone was off, so it wasn't my ringtone. This was real life, man. I was so freaked out, I swallowed three bottles of pills, then drank a gallon of horse tranquilizer, right before this interview."

Our interview came to an abrupt halt when it was announced MSF had been overwhelmingly elected to the Senate, despite his name not being on the ballot, and he was then whisked off to represent the region in our legislature. Being the reputable organization that we are, however, Faux News took this story to the Grand Admiral, and former President, Kraketopia, to request he put an end to this. "A death cult in the government? Well, gee, that sounds serious. I'd better alert the troops, so we can storm the Goldenblock and retake the government. You know, on second thought, that really sounds like a whole lot of trouble for something so minor. I mean, Malashaan's term will be over soon enough, and then this problem will sort itself out. If there's one thing I learned by being President, it's that if you ignore a problem for long enough, eventually, it will just go away. Now, I'd love to continue this conversation, but I'm the middle of embroidering all of the Navy's uniforms, so they have encouraging messages, like 'Go get 'im tiger!' and 'Attaboy!', this way, when we lose our next battle, they won't get too upset."

After a disappointing talk with Kraketopia, this reporter decided the only way to put an end to this madness was to go directly to the source, and talk to President Malashaan. After arriving at the Goldenblock, and being directed to the President's office by his buxom secretary, Rach, Malashaan had this to say. "I assure you, we are not running a secret death cult at all in this administration. I mean, look at me! I'm some sort of puppet, animal, cartoon character. What am I going to do, cute you to death?" He chuckled jovially, and I had to admit, the idea did seem pretty far-fetched. I was about to get up to leave when I saw a folder marked "GAP" on his desk, with some papers sticking out, depicting some sort of machine. I asked him what those plans were for, and he got quiet. I quickly snatched the folder and saw schematics for what looked like some sort of death ray. He called for the guards to restrain me, and the next thing I know, I woke up two weeks later on the side of the road, with a severed horse head next to me.

As I submit this article, I know I may be punished for my findings, but it is my hope that all Europeians know the truth, so that we may have a better future, and a safer tomorrow.
Edited by Calvin Coolidge, Nov 17 2014, 09:54 PM.
Posted ImagePosted ImageThe Panda's Pen is a newspaper I write. Posted ImageAll hail Swift.
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Sopo
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Lord High Chancellor Emeritus

Me secret sorkret has been reveareled!
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The Right Honorable Sopo
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Lethen
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Remember when I was famous? Neither do I.

God speed, Calvin. God speed.
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By the Prophetical Blessing of Nethel, Supreme Chancellor of the Republic of Europeia and the states within, Destined Overseer of His rightful yet forgotten realms of Estalcia and Old Europe and Crystal Falls, Defender of the Faith and New Jersey, and Heir to the concept of Sarcasm
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Cpt.Carrot
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Boogy Woogy Bugle Boy of Company "B"

How many Panda lives will this cost?
:euro: Drummer Captain Carrot! :euro:Posted Image"Though I try to cheer my comrades and be gay."
HEM be silly
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Kraketopia
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Cpt.Carrot
Nov 19 2014, 11:54 AM
How many Panda lives will this cost?
A number so high it is unfathomable :ph43r:
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Posted Image
Posted Image

C.V.
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Cpt.Carrot
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Boogy Woogy Bugle Boy of Company "B"

Kraketopia
Nov 19 2014, 03:07 PM
Cpt.Carrot
Nov 19 2014, 11:54 AM
How many Panda lives will this cost?
A number so high it is unfathomable :ph43r:
There are only so many Pandas, so it can't be that many. Besides I use Metric normally. :baghead:
:euro: Drummer Captain Carrot! :euro:Posted Image"Though I try to cheer my comrades and be gay."
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Shin
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Making the whole world smile

Cpt.Carrot
Nov 19 2014, 04:39 PM
Kraketopia
Nov 19 2014, 03:07 PM
Cpt.Carrot
Nov 19 2014, 11:54 AM
How many Panda lives will this cost?
A number so high it is unfathomable :ph43r:
There are only so many Pandas, so it can't be that many. Besides I use Metric normally. :baghead:


?
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Cpt.Carrot
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Boogy Woogy Bugle Boy of Company "B"

No no no. Not that sort of metric. Give me the Panda deaths in Metres if you can't use Fathoms.
:euro: Drummer Captain Carrot! :euro:Posted Image"Though I try to cheer my comrades and be gay."
HEM be silly
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Kraketopia
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Cpt.Carrot
Nov 19 2014, 05:15 PM
No no no. Not that sort of metric. Give me the Panda deaths in Metres if you can't use Fathoms.
Or I could give you the carrot death statistics :violentgun:
Posted Image Posted ImagePosted Image Posted Image Posted ImagePosted Image

Posted Image
Posted Image

C.V.
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Cpt.Carrot
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Boogy Woogy Bugle Boy of Company "B"

Kraketopia
Nov 19 2014, 06:38 PM
Cpt.Carrot
Nov 19 2014, 05:15 PM
No no no. Not that sort of metric. Give me the Panda deaths in Metres if you can't use Fathoms.
Or I could give you the carrot death statistics :violentgun:
Cha togar m' fhearg gun dìoladh :violentgun:
:euro: Drummer Captain Carrot! :euro:Posted Image"Though I try to cheer my comrades and be gay."
HEM be silly
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That's right
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Shin
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Making the whole world smile

Cpt.Carrot
Nov 19 2014, 07:16 PM
Kraketopia
Nov 19 2014, 06:38 PM
Cpt.Carrot
Nov 19 2014, 05:15 PM
No no no. Not that sort of metric. Give me the Panda deaths in Metres if you can't use Fathoms.
Or I could give you the carrot death statistics :violentgun:
Cha togar m' fhearg gun dìoladh :violentgun:
Here we can see the thistle bristle. :ph43r:
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Cpt.Carrot
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Boogy Woogy Bugle Boy of Company "B"

Shin
Nov 19 2014, 07:24 PM
Cpt.Carrot
Nov 19 2014, 07:16 PM
Kraketopia
Nov 19 2014, 06:38 PM
Cpt.Carrot
Nov 19 2014, 05:15 PM
No no no. Not that sort of metric. Give me the Panda deaths in Metres if you can't use Fathoms.
Or I could give you the carrot death statistics :violentgun:
Cha togar m' fhearg gun dìoladh :violentgun:
Here we can see the thistle bristle. :ph43r:
:creepy: :violentgun:
:euro: Drummer Captain Carrot! :euro:Posted Image"Though I try to cheer my comrades and be gay."
HEM be silly
My reputation & other quotes
That's right
Hodge-podge of stuff
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Seven Deaths
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Super-heated infusion of free-radicals and tannins

Cpt.Carrot
Nov 19 2014, 04:39 PM
Kraketopia
Nov 19 2014, 03:07 PM
Cpt.Carrot
Nov 19 2014, 11:54 AM
How many Panda lives will this cost?
A number so high it is unfathomable :ph43r:
There are only so many Pandas, so it can't be that many. Besides I use Metric normally. :baghead:
So in metric that would be...

A metric fuck ton. :gentleman:
"The Senate is my porn." ~ Cat
"If the sea was whiskey and he was a duck... I reckon SD could drain it." ~ CptCarrot
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The Rt. Hon. Seven Deaths Saxton, EEN EBS OR4
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