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Five Alarm Facts; Episode 6 w/Cost-cutting aweso...aw crap
Topic Started: Jan 26 2010, 08:15 AM (76 Views)
Chris Andrews
The Dude
Chris Andrews: “But I don’t want a new set, and I certainly don’t want to film the show here!”

???: “Sorry Chris, but we’re cutting costs. All these different shows are expensive and we’ve got a big show to put on this week with Genesis.”

Chris Andrews: “What about the deal we had with the network to-?”

???: “Time’s up and this is the way forward now. They still get to show your show, we film the show here, we all save money and everyone wins.”

Chris Andrews: “Except me… I hate this!”

???: “C’mon man, don’t sulk. You get to keep your desk!”

Chris Andrews: “Whatever… who’s my guest this week?”

???: “Ah, well remember what I said about cutting costs?”

=/=“Cry of the Banshee” by Brocas Helm begins to play as various images of CWF matches and superstars play on the screen overlaid onto images of CWF superstars talking as well as a couple of similar looking images of a Chris Andrews that is clearly faking the look of an attentive roving reporter. The images are joined and mixed with images from previous Five Alarm Facts shows of Chris and his guest hosts behind the desk and delivering the Facts. Finally a cartoon image of a fire appears on the screen and the words “Five Alarm Facts” is stamped in red over it. The logo disappears as a semi darkened studio begins to be illuminated, a different studio to before and one that prominently displays the CWF logo hanging in the middle of the set behind the usual desk from the previous shows. There’s a cityscape behind the desk now as well, one that looks quite striking against the calm lighting as the camera sweeps towards a space near the usual desk. The camera comes to a halt revealing Chris Andrews standing next to the fuly illuminated desk in a white suit and tie with a black shirt, on the tie is a small gold clip that carries a small CWF logo.=/=

Chris Andrews: “Ni Hao Hos, Man-hos, Pimps, Pimpettes and anyone else who was just offended by what I called you. I’m Chris Andrews and this is once again, Five Alarm Facts. It’s the end of our first month in the year and it’s been a hell of an interesting one for CWF, but if you think it’s been fun so far then we’re going to knock your proverbial socks onto your equally proverbial floor with our big Pay-Per-View special tonight, Genesis. Be sure to tune in and watch all kind of cool crazy shit and such and… oh god I’m so tired… I don’t have the energy for this anymore. Screw it, bring on the guest host.”

=/=The formerly energized Chris Andrews is now visibly weary as his shoulders slump and his smile is no more than a memory as he walks the few steps to his desk and takes his seat. The camera however is more interested in showing Chester Taylor walk onto the set and across the oak floors to some applause and the sounds of “At the Bottom” by Brand New. He waves to the crew and smiles at the camera before he takes his seat next to Chris, exuding confidence as he continues to smile down the camera.=/=

Chester Taylor: Goooood evening CWF fans around the world and good evening to you too Chris, thanks for having me.

Chris Andrews: “What? Oh yeah, no worries.”

=/=As Chris is talking Chester gives him a friendly slap on the back that causes Chris to wince and arc his back.=/=

Chester Taylor: “Whoops, you OK?”

Chris Andrews: “Yeah I’m fine-”

=/=He begins with the voice of a person inflicted by minor pains, or at least the minor pains of a wrestler.=/=

Chris Andrews: “Just training hard for tonight and Angelica and I got a bit carried away with our regime.”

Chester Taylor: “Wow, she sounds like a bit of a slave driver when you say it like that.”

Chris Andrews: “I… No comment… And don’t worry I’ll be good for tonight, you’d be surprised how quickly I heal. Anyway, that’s enough of this…on with the show!”

=/=Chris sits up as straight as he can manage as his smile and energy return and an image of Chaolin Sahn appears in the corner of the screen.=/=

Chris Andrews: First up tonight, private investigators of the show inform us a little about our glorious new commissioner. We may know about the man’s family and past but what does Chaolin Sahn himself like to do to unwind? Well folks I hate to disappoint but it turns out that he’s as human as the rest of us as he enjoys sitting in a rocking chair with a blanket, cardigan, some green tea with a slice of lemon and a copy of a good book. This week he has been mostly reading… um…”

=/=Chris pauses to pick up some notes from his desk and shuffle through the papers with a worried expression.=/=

Chris Andrews: “I do apologize everyone but it appears that we don’t have the name. All I have in my notes is, and I quote here, “Whatever crap Oprah tells him to read.” I guess even Chaolin Sahn has to answer to a higher power. Chester?”

Chester Taylor: “Thanks Chris, next up the fans have been asking about who Dolores Madison Sato really is after seeing Wired this week. Also fans of BBC series Torchwood have been asking if she’s related to Toshiko Sato, but we regrettably weren’t able to address that in time for the show as the BBC press officer was unavailable for comment, a shame.

Chris Andrews: “Damn shame!”

Chester Taylor: “When we put it to our staff of sleuths, runners and fact finders we came to the conclusion that with her Flux Capacitor, Mr Fusion and hover conversion, she is probably one of the best cars ever. After that an argument quickly broke out and the group was divided between Dolores, the Ecto-1, KITT from Knight Rider, the various iterations of the Batmobile and the General Lee. The group then quickly came to the resolution that they should agree to disagree and that Dolores was being confused for the DeLorien from Back to the future. However another argument quickly broke out about which was the best movie of the Back to the Future trilogy.”

Chris Andrews: “And I’m telling you it’s the second one! It parodies the first film and adds to it you idiots!”

=/=There’s inaudible shouting from behind the camera that joins that of Chris own. However this all disappears as the picture seems to jump and now has Chris sitting their looking a little less presentable than he had been.=/=

Chris Andrews: “Third factoid now and…no screw this! I’m not done! It was the second one!”

=/=Again the picture seems to jump and Chris seems to be presentable again, although his suit and tie have changed colour to navy blue now.=/=

Chris Andrews: “…Second! O-!”

=/=One last jump and Chris is sitting and smiling as he holds a set of papers.=/=

Chris Andrews: “Kemsey Ramsey and the brothers Anderson continue to battle over the cowboy gimmick. Regardless of who came first there is a new challenger appearing in the form of Dandy comics own Desperate Dan. The character who first appeared over seventy years ago has publically challenged the trio to put their stomachs where their mouths are for a cow pie eating contest. To clarify that’s cow pie, not cowpat. The acceptance of the challenge is said to be either a roundhouse kick or the emergence of some kind of amnesia. Mr Desperate said he would even accept one as a result over the other, however experts are still struggling how to have someone have amnesia as a result of a roundhouse kick that hasn’t happened yet… unless it’s done by Chuck Norris of course.”

Chester Taylor: “Of course. But did you know that Chuck Norris has the greatest poker face of all time? He once-”

Chris Andrews: “Heard it!”

Chester Taylor: “-won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO. …You could have let me finish.”

Chris Andrews: “Old joke is old Chester, fact four now please.”

Chester Taylor: “Worrying news for eleven or so people as the latest figures show that the viewers of the KingCast are dwindling. Eleven? Oh I’m sure Mr King gets far more viewers than that.”

Chris Andrews: “Stick to the script Taylor!”

Chester Taylor: “Most refused to believe the truth before their eyes but now many have seen proof in the form of Colton Mace. It’s a well known and established fact that dwindling shows bring on new characters to generate buzz and liven them up. It’s just unfortunate that this seemed to be their plan as Colton Mace seems to be the factor that is driving people away even faster. We here only hope that either Colton or the KingCast goes the way of the Dodo, Poochie the Rockin’ Dog, or Roy from the Simpsons.”

Chris Andrews: “Tragic, really tragic.”

Chester Taylor: “I didn’t know you enjoyed the KingCast Chris.”

Chris Andrews: “Well I was talking about Jarvis King and his new buddy but yeah, whatever, we’ll keep you posted on that one folks. Last up today we have news from a recent poll we ran about former guest host and current Insurgent Champion Angel. When we asked about her the straight males all unanimously agreed that they would, quote, “Tap that”, end quote. When we restated the question with referral to her new knee brace the response was exactly the same. Little more than an hour later, Angel’s knee brace had been removed and placed in protective custody away from these knee-brace rapists. We cannot disclose the location of the poor knee-brace but we assure everyone it is safe and most likely having the time of its life, unlike Angel’s computer speakers.”

Chester Taylor: “Knee-brace rapists? Wow… what a sick world we live in.”

Chris Andrews: “Yeah, but still. You’ve never looked at her and thought? Y’know?”

Chester Taylor: “Yeah but she’d eat me alive.”

Chris Andrews: “You’re a sick man Taylor! It’s people like you that made them have to remove that poor knee brace from its home! Sick man! Out of my sight Taylor!”

=/=A couple of members of the crew, who happen to be wearing Back to the Future II t-shirts, appear and grab Chester Taylor by the arms, dragging him off as he screams out in confusion.=/=

Chris Andrews: “I’m sorry about that folks. We’ll be more careful of our guest co-host screening in the future. Anyway, that’s it for this week. I’ve been your host that doesn’t boast, Chris Andrews! See you next time for some more Five alarm Facts!”

=/=Chris waves to the camera as the studio lights fade out showing a waving silhouette in the darkness. The CWF Logo is illuminated at the top of the screen as the copyright info appears in the bottom of the screen and this episode draws to a close.=/=

---

Apologies to the promised guest of show 6, you'll be contacted for show 7 instead as this was a last minute sort of thing.
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