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Five Alarm Facts; Episode 5 w/A radiant and gorgeous gal
Topic Started: Jan 11 2010, 06:03 PM (72 Views)
Chris Andrews
The Dude
=/=“Cry of the Banshee” by Brocas Helm begins to play as various images of CWF matches and superstars play on the screen overlaid onto images of CWF superstars talking as well as a couple of similar looking images of a Chris Andrews that is clearly faking the look of an attentive roving reporter. The images are joined and mixed with images from previous Five Alarm Facts shows of Chris and his guest hosts behind the desk and delivering the Facts. Finally a cartoon image of a fire appears on the screen and the words “Five Alarm Facts” is stamped in red over it. The logo disappears as a semi darkened studio begins to be illuminated while the camera sweeps towards a space near the usual darkened desk, half of which is then illuminated as the camera comes to a halt revealing Chris Andrews standing next to the desk in a gold, sequined suit, hat and tie with a black shirt.=/=

Chris Andrews: “Ni Hao and Happy New year fact fans! This is twenty-ten and you’re of course watching the first edition of Five Alarm Facts not only this year, but this decade. Now I thought we’d kick things off with a bang and finally give you all what a lot of you have been asking for. This week my guest-host needs no introduction, which is great because otherwise I would have to invent new words to try and describe how awesome she is. Ladies and Gents, my tag-team champion partner and CWF’s first female Hall of Fame inductee... The one, the only! Angelica!”

=/= “Drumming song” by Florence and the Machine plays out on the PA system and Angelica steps out from behind a gold curtain which is being held by 2 runners who are balancing on top of two out of short ladders. She is dressed in a fitted gold suit with sequined collar and is carrying a gold plated clipboard. As she takes her seat next to Chris she removes some gold papers from the clip board and shuffles them. =/=

Angelica: “Oh Chris you will make me blush…But don’t stop carry on with the compliments.”

Chris Andrews: “Oh, if only I could but this is a short show and oh what the hell. Angelica, you look downright radiant today, and stunning, radiant and stunning. Now then, down to business with our first fact of the day and is love in the air for a woman scorned? Reports have been flying in to our tip boxes that a Miss Emily Thompson, formerly seen attached to CWF Superstar Franklin Fredrickson or George as Angelica likes to call him, has been seen out and about with another man. None of our tipsters seemed to be able to come to a consensus on the identity of the mystery man, but it appears that her tastes haven’t changed all that much with the front-runners of our tips being other unfunny comedians Carlos Mencia, Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy. As such a funeral will be held in honour of poor Miss Thompson’s sense of humour that surely must have passed away by now.”

Angelica: “We should really hold a moments silence for the passing of such a dear friend…Anyhow in other news our beloved President J.Rish is said to be seeking anger management classes after a recent outburst in a well known supermarket store. J.Rish was accused of stealing a certain men’s health product and was ambushed as he proceeded to leave the shop. After a probably unnecessary strip search J.Rish was quoted as saying. “I am J. Freaking Rish, I have lots of money.”

=/=Chris starts laughing as Angelica finishes, wiping a tear away from his eye as he brings himself to silence.=/=

Chris Andrews: “Oh that J. Rish, what will he do next? We can only wonder I’m sure... fact number three and J. Rish has been in the entertainment news as he was briefly tipped to play a young Frasier Crane in spin off of hit NBC sitcom Frasier and star as a member of the new cast of a revived NCB sitcom Friends. NBC however were quick to squash these rumours and have told us that neither shows have been confirmed or even casted. However, a mole of ours in the casting team told us that while the shows are up in the air J. Rish will certainly not be casted for either of these shows. When asked why our mole said: “Are you kidding me? No audience would believe this guy is that smart or has any friends! He hit his own commissioner in the head with a steel chair for crying out loud! He’s so stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!”

Angelica: “I believe you’re missing one out there Chris.”

Chris Andrews: “Huh? Oh! You’re right! I do apologise viewers.... Stupid! And now over to the gorgeous Angelica for fact number four.”

Angelica: “CWF’s World Champion Cain is said to be looking for love, after a supposed recent appearance on the Brazilian version of Blind Date left him less than happy. After an interpreter failed to translate contestant number 3’s answer correctly Cain was left with a romantic week for two in Hawaii with a 6ft1 plumber called Pedro. Claiming that the language barrier was the real issue, Cain apparently never knew that it was an all man special.”

Chris Andrews: “I hope you and Pedro had a good time in Hawaii Alex. And finally tonight is Matt Parker the so called Marvellous one really as marvellous as he wants us to believe? In short no, for a longer answer, noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. But if you want an explanation then here goes, we recently managed to get in contact with the well known star of Matt’s debuting promo on Wired, girl number 1... and I’ll resist the urge to make a toilet humour joke about him picking number two. When questioned about how marvellous Parker really was she said... well actually our network wouldn’t allow us to broadcast what she actually said so instead I’ve chosen the five main words from the short interview. So here they are in reverse order and at number five, Twinkie, at number four we’ve got acorn and closing out the top three we have half, minute and man! Thank you ladies and gents, I’ve been your host Chris Andrews and I’ve also not been wearing any pants since the camera first cut to Angelica! Or have I? You can’t tell! Angelica, it’s been wonderful having you here and you’re welcome back any time. Do you have anything to say to our audience and your fans out there?”

Angelica: “Nope…Chris I think you said it all. How can I possibly take the light away from the revelation your wearing no pants?”

Chris Andrews: “What a great question Ang. Shame the world will never know...so goodnight everybody!

=/=The camera starts to drift towards the part of the desk that hides what Chris may or may not be wearing under there as the lights go dark, except for the backlit parts of the set that would merely cast silhouettes in the darkness. The CWF copyright info appears in the corner of the screen as the first show of 2010 draws to a close.=/=
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