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| Festive Five Alarm Facts; Episode 4 w/ An annoying crew | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Dec 26 2009, 11:31 AM (135 Views) | |
| Chris Andrews | Dec 26 2009, 11:31 AM Post #1 |
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The Dude
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=/=“Cry of the Banshee” by Brocas Helm begins to play as various images of CWF matches and superstars play on the screen overlaid onto images of CWF superstars talking and one of Chris Andrews that is clearly faking the look of an attentive roving reporter. These are now joined and mixed with images from recent shows of Chris behind his desk and delivering the Facts. Finally a cartoon image of a fire appears on the screen and the words “Five Alarm Facts” is stamped in red over it. After the titles are done the camera sweeps towards a space near the usual darkened desk, half of which is then illuminated as the camera comes to a halt revealing Chris Andrews standing next to the desk in a tailored red suit and tie with a white shirt and with him also wearing a Santa hat.=/= Chris Andrews: “Ni Hao-ho-ho and Happy Holidays to all of our viewers! I hope you’ve all been having a great time so far and thanks for tuning in to our special post-festive show, or our Boxing Day show if you’re so inclined. As ever I’m Chris Andrews, the host who ate roast and in keeping with the season this is Festive Five Alarm Facts.” =/=The cameras switch and a shot of the whole stage is seen showing the crew all wearing paper crowns and throwing streamers or blowing into blowout whistles. Moments later the cameras switch again and Chris sits down at his usual desk and places an orange paper crown upon his own head with a smile.=/= Chris Andrews: “Now I hate to disappoint everyone but I don’t have a co-host today-” =/=Chris pauses while members of the crew groan and boo.=/= Chris Andrews: “I know, I know. I tried I really did! But everyone was off enjoying their time off and stuff like that. I even tried to get Angelica here again but once I eventually managed to wake her up she said she had to go and clean after all the mess everyone made yesterday. So I guess you’re just stuck with me, but don’t worry as it’s a short show this week so you can get back to watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” or James Bond or whatever’s on after this.” =/=There’s more groans as Chris rolls his eyes and nods in agreement.=/= Chris Andrews: “Although if you’re lucky then maybe you can slap in the DVD of Die Hard and watch John McClane do what he does best, besides it is the best Christmas movie by far. But that’s enough out of my viewing suggestions following the show, let’s get on with the actual show first. Your first of five tonight is about our own new star Fluffy! The pet slash friend of our own Hardcore Bitch Angel, and it turns out that the assholes in marketing have decided to animate the little spider gal in a bid to make some quick post-holiday money. There’s talk of some kind of animated feature film in the works but before all that we get ‘treated’ to a novelty single. We’re yet to get hold of the actual song as my researchers suck and are still very drunk but we did manage to find out the title. Brace yourselves... “Fluffy’s Festive Frolicking” will be heading to stores and digital download stores before the new year, so hooray for life and such.” =/=As Chris is talking a shot of the animated and very cheery looking take on Fluffy appears in the top left corner of the screen. When he finishes it fades out and is replaced with a shot of a certain book.=/= Chris Andrews: “Second tonight is some book news as the “Angelica and Omega Book of Rhymes” has stormed into assorted book charts after being the best selling book in America this Christmas. It’s doing well in other places too although it narrowly missed grabbing the same accolade in the United Kingdom this week thanks to the timely release of the thirty third book in Alex Cain’s autobiographical saga “I really am this old: The Alex Cain Story, years 999 B.C. – 850 B.C.” According to the book, partying like it was 1999 was nothing compared to partying like it was about to be 999. And on a personal note I would like to thank the few people who have bought my book, a book whose obscenely high price point means lots of awesome things will be occurring at Casas de Chris for the next... um... rest of my life.” =/=The sound of a cork being popped from a champagne bottle causes Chris to pause as he looks on with a hint of contempt as the remainder of his crew begin their attempts to get drunk.=/= Chris Andrews: “Number three and CWF President J. Rish is out and about doing charity work, apparently. When we questioned the man, whom was with long time girlfriend and model employee Abigail Starr, about his charitable work he laughed and pointed at Miss Starr while screaming out “You think this isn’t charity?” He then hiccupped, vomited and fell down on the floor where he landed in his own vomit... he also has a stupid arse face and smells of wee? ...Who’s been messing with my script?” =/=There are snickers and laughter as Chris looks around to his increasingly drunken staff before he sighs and shakes his head in defeat.=/= Chris Andrews: “Ugh never mind... I’m sure I can guess. Moving on then and here comes fantastic four as word comes in that the residents of Texas were recently treated to a Chuck Norris festive lookalike contest. The contest lasted all day and let its entrants go through a very large amount of free Lone Star beer, whose owning company sponsored the event. It all came to a head after a long day of roundhouse kicks and attempts at wielding god like powers. CWF superstar Ramsey was there and even won first place in the competition! That is until the real Chuck Norris materialised out of thin air and took first place while he won a staring contest with the sun. He then went into a nearby house slamming the revolving door in the process and drank a couple of gallons of milk while unscrambling some eggs. When Ramsey was questioned about his loss he just expressed his happiness for being allowed to continue to exist by Chuck Norris.” =/=A very drunken man stagger up to Chris’ side and puts a hand against the desk to keep himself mostly balanced.=/= Guy: “Oh man, Ch-Chuck Norrs...Norris, Chuck Norris! I heard-I heard he once roundhouse kicked a guy... in the face!” =/=Chris watches the man in annoyed silence as the guy laughs like it’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard before he falls down with a cringe-worthy thud and sounds as if he is vomiting.=/= Chris Andrews: “So... to finish today we have proof of how incredibly slow a news day it is as Twitter Twatter Twoddle makes the final headline. Could a tag team match be in our future? Friends and stable-mates Angel and Omega look like they could be going up against the team or Jarvis King and Bill Brasky if you’ve been seen their recent online exchanges. We haven’t heard back from anyone about this but can estimate that Omega will say something hilariously awesome, Angel will insult the other guys and possibly me as well. Jarvis King will treat his opponents as inferior and Bill Brasky will say something about Angel. Should the match take place I have a hundred dollars on Brasky lying down in the ring and waiting for Angel to pin him in what would be the happiest three seconds of his life thus far. In other news the president urges people to watch TNA! There’s not been much of a fan backlash yet but we’ll have more on this story as it develops. And that’s it for this holiday special!” =/=There’s a mixture of groans and cheers that quickly annoy Chris into another defeated expression.=/= Chris Andrews: “I just want to take a moment to thank everyone for tuning in and getting behind the show. I’ve heard a lot of awesome things from our fans and I only hope that which I started in 2009 will grow and be even more awesome in 2010. Although with 2010 approaching and Mega Man making his rumoured arrival as it will technically be the year 200X I expect we’ll have less time for wrestling and more time spent watching him take on Dr Wily. But then so many films have lied to me so why not games too? ...I just want my hover-board damnit! But I digress, thanks for watching and stay tuned next year for more awesome facts from the back and hopefully a wide assortment of awesome guest co-host colleagues. I’ve been and still am Chris Andrews, and you’ve been enjoying it immensely. =/=Snow starts to drift down the screen as sleigh bells ring and the studio fades into near darkness as the CWF legal and copyright into appears in the corner and brings this show comes to a close.=/= |
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