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| Five Alarm Facts; Episode 3 w/A graffitifying texan | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Dec 8 2009, 02:15 PM (84 Views) | |
| Chris Andrews | Dec 8 2009, 02:15 PM Post #1 |
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The Dude
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= / = “Cry of the Banshee” by Brocas Helm begins to play as various images of CWF matches and superstars play on the screen overlaid onto images of CWF superstars talking and one of Chris Andrews that is clearly faking the look of an attentive roving reporter. Finally a cartoon image of a fire appears on the screen and the words “Five Alarm Facts” is stamped in red over it. After the titles are done the camera sweeps towards a darkened desk, half of which is then illuminated as the camera comes to a halt revealing Chris Andrews sitting there with his hands clasped on the desk and a face cake with Angelica’s face resting next to him and angled towards the camera. As he smiles into the camera we see that once again he wears a smart looking charcoal grey suit although he wears a black shirt beneath it with a white tie emblazoned with a pattern containing a recoloured CWF logo. = / = Chris Andrews: “Ni Hao and good evening not only CWF fans but fans of entertainment as this week we’re syndicated on MTV no less! I made sure to hit the guy who writes up my notes into the script a few good times on the head to accommodate our new audience. Anyway! This is Five Alarm Facts and I’m your host that lives on both coasts, Chris Andrews.” = / = There’s a small applause from an equally small assembled crew as Chris smiles and continues. = / = Chris Andrews: “As I’m sure you can see my lovely tag team partner has yet to grace us with the presence that so many of you wonderful fans are requesting. But I have to say that you’re certainly not going to be too disappointed as I welcome this week’s co-host. Don’t look at her cross-eyed or her stalker will get you, she’s the Impact Champion and almost too hardcore for life itself! She is of course, the one and only, hardcore bitch Angel!” = / = There’s a roar of applause as “Our Truth” by Lacuna Coil plays out, Angel sliding in next to Chris at the now fully illuminated desk, a black pinstripe suit and matching hat complementing her multi-coloured hair- she smiles nodding at Chris Angel: “You know I was expecting some sort of smart ass comment from you by now- that Bitchy McArseface comment was fucking hilarious man..." Chris Andrews: “You thought so? Honest and true? Wow, I’m touched Angel. Here on my show I do everything I can for my guest hosts. I want them and you to have a great time as you are, after all, my guest. But if my best isn’t good enough then I can only suggest sending you over to wherever Bill Brasky is taping Inside CWF this week.” Angel: “Don't get me started little boy.” = / = Chris laughs at the remark as an image of CWF’s very own pirate is shown in the corner of the screen as the hosts get down to business. = / = Chris Andrews: “First up tonight we return to my fellow sea-faring, pirate comrade. Commander Blackheart! A man who until very recently apparently M.I.A. as no-one had seen him since he last set sail. Some say he sailed into a mist and vanished, some say he found the fabled Bermuda dodecahedron and was lost for all time until he found his way back with a wing and a prayer. Of course everyone else just says he got shit-faced and had to sleep off what could have been the biggest binge session since Jared from Subway’s supposed relapse. I guess we’ll have to wait and see if he’ll let us know, but in honour of a fellow pimp at sea. I’m pouring one out for the guy welcome back commander, or as my people say... Party on Garth.” = / = Chris reaches beneath the desk and pulls out a chalice that looks as if it’s made of gold and holds it in front of the desk before he pours out a red liquid and returns the chalice back under the table. = / = Chris Andrews: “I’m so glad I bought that thing... next up Angel?” Angel: “News Flash! Chris Andrews is gay... Just kidding- sorry to get your hopes up Bob... No, word has it that King nothing is releasing a cookbook that set to hit bookstores in coming weeks entitled "A Star For Every Taste" and you guessed it- all the recipes entail a CWF superstar, whether it be ‘Grilled Scorpion’, ‘Angelcake’ and ‘Highlander Stew’ for example... Yeah- I don't think I'll be buying that...” Chris Andrews: “Sounds alright to me...” Angel: “Yeah- you would like that type of thing.” Chris Andrews: “While I’m sent reeling from that stinger I’ll hit back with your third of five tonight, which is a bit of bad news as we follow up from an earlier fact of our own. Back on our first show we reported that Dark Cabaret duo the Dresden Dolls were to reform for a one off performance at Confliction this week. Unfortunately thanks to recent events it looks like things aren’t meant to be. Talks were already grinding to a standstill thanks to CWF President J. Rish, at least if our anonymous source is to be believed. As he wasn’t willing to spend all that money on a quote “Crazy bitch that shouldn’t even be here.” End quote. When questioned about what he will actually spend the money on the President gave our reporter a funny look and replied. “Are you mad? Spend...money?” Angel: “Fact number 4, Apparently Chaolin Sahn is still stealing bath robes from swanky hotels- when asked about why he's continually getting away with it- one manager was quoted as saying “Would you stop that guy? He talks to himself and looks like he needs all the clothes he can get... I feel sorry for him” Wow, first time I bet he's ever heard that” Chris Andrews: “Wow, the depths some of the less fortunate CWF superstars have to stoop to. It makes me sad and yes, sad in the face.” = / = Chris pauses for a moment as he sighs and wipes away a pretend tear before continuing. = / = Chris Andrews: “And finally tonight a fact already confirmed by the company itself, EndGames is returning to the CWF next week in a match where the only guaranteed winner is the WIN-surgency as either the Cyndicate or the Millennium Eagle-” ???: “Oh my god! Will you bloody stop that! Not only did you get the name wrong but you’re not even in the right set of series anymore!” = / = A man who could pass for Fat Bastard from the Austin Powers movies in his slightly slimmer days runs up to Chris as sweat begins to coat his red t-shirt screaming into the ear of the unwavering regular host. = / = ???: “No Star Trek spin-offs, no Firefly, no Doctor Who, no Babylon 5, no Star Wars, no Red Dwarf, no-” Chris Andrews: “Excuse me?” = / = The man, with his rant broken in mid flow, looks at Chris with a particularly gormless impression. = / = Chris Andrews: “I don’t give two fucks about someone screaming Cheeto bits into my ears as well as his obviously asthmatic lungs can manage, but if there is one thing I will never stand for, it’s a policy of no. Red. Dwarf!” = / = Chris begins to yell with a tone reminiscent of an attacking cry you would find in any major motion picture, with a battle in it, and slams the guy’s head down into the face cake where it collides with an unusual thud before his head bounces off and he crumples into a pile on the floor behind the desk. With a surprised expression Chris looks to the remains of the cake. = / = Chris Andrews: “Oh! I’m such a silly sod! That’s where I left my brick! Who bakes a cake into a brick anyway? Oh dear, did you see what I did Angel? God I’m thick sometimes!” = / = Angel says nothing and holds her tongue as the far too obvious send up for a joke is deemed not worth her time. = / = Chris Andrews: “So where was I? Oh yes, as either of those two times will be set to disband just in time for the holidays! Think of all the savings they’ll make now that they won’t have to buy stuff for each other in celebration of this time of year... oh fuck it. Christmas presents, it’s Christmas! Fucking Christmas! That’s what I’m getting at, alright? Meeeh, have some cake.” = / = Chris grabs a handful of the brick-less remains of the Angelica face cake and throws it to the camera before he continues. = / = Chris Andrews: “When we sat around the office drinking some beers and thinking about this fact we came to the conclusion that clearly this was the president’s idea to save a bit of money and sabotage his own team so the Cyndicate can continue to annoy the fuck out of everybody once again. Happy New Year indeed! But just so I don’t end on a downer, and of course to appeal to our new MTV audience we’ll leave you with a montage of some cats doing funny things and some pictures of so-called celebrities set to some piece of shit song I never want to hear again. For Five Alarm Facts and the rest of my life this far I’ve been Chris Andrews.” Angel: “And I've been The perfection of your worst nightmares- cat ya bitches” = / = A montage of LOLCat images and pictures of celebrities of the moment begins to be shown as “One Time” by Justin Bieber plays along. It barely lasts 30 seconds before it all stops and camera feed resumes on a very dismayed Chris Andrews. = / = Chris Andrews: “What the fuck was that shit? Who is that ponce? Oh screw this, it’s my show and I’m not having it. Fuck MTV and its money! For the rock instruction of everyone watching and my own personal happy times, I decree, give me some religious instruction!” = / = The video for “Let There Be Rock” by AC/DC begins to play as the ending credits roll past and a much more appeased Chris Andrews sits back in the studio. = / = ------------ Thanks to my co-host for her awesome contributions, as well as last time's guest for the contributions of Omega (as I forgot to add the thanks and had to rectify that mistake). Once again if anyone wants to join in, ANYONE, send me a message.
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