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| Code Red Chronicles feedback | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Apr 18 2018, 08:04 AM (99 Views) | |
| Amber Jaye | Apr 18 2018, 08:04 AM Post #1 |
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Alright kiddies, so I know my rp was obviously pretty alright (thanks for all the congrats) but if anyone would be able to give me an rp breakdown etc, review, criticisms and even suggestions to where people would like to see the character and story go from here I'd be utterly grateful
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![]() They call me observant. That's not particularly true. People are so easy to read- we bleed emotions even in the way we drink our coffee. No one seems to notice though. They're all too busy drinking their own damn coffee Record: 4CW: 9-5-0 Carnage: 12-2-0 CWF: 8-2-1 Life 0-1-0 [/i] | |
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| Amber Jaye | Apr 21 2018, 03:25 AM Post #2 |
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Epic bump |
![]() They call me observant. That's not particularly true. People are so easy to read- we bleed emotions even in the way we drink our coffee. No one seems to notice though. They're all too busy drinking their own damn coffee Record: 4CW: 9-5-0 Carnage: 12-2-0 CWF: 8-2-1 Life 0-1-0 [/i] | |
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| Caledonia | Apr 21 2018, 08:12 AM Post #3 |
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Will try and get to it today
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CWF’s Current World Champion
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| Caledonia | Apr 21 2018, 06:00 PM Post #4 |
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God, you’ve improved so much since the old days. I mean, we all have, but I feel like you’ve outpaced us all. This was a great piece. I absolutely love the interactions in the coffee shop. I can visualise it in my mind, the scene with Amber and Rose, the body language, the surroundings. Amber’s tone is consistent and her words and actions advance the character. If, as I suspect, you’re building to a feud with Choronzon, this was an excellent kick-off piece. So, since a review isn’t much use without points of improvement, here’s some things that I fear are going to come across nitpicky, but they’re all I have There are a few sentences that would have worked better broken up into several sentences. Examples: "With a spark of defiance Amber recognized in Rose’s grandson right before he stuck a proverbial knife between her ribs, Rose MacMillan went to stand. However, Amber shook her head slightly whilst taking the older woman by the hand firmly and without malice.” "Whether Amber actually was or not was entirely irrelevant. However, her statement had enough of an effect. Rose MacMillan straightened with her free hand before quietly and primly resigning herself back to her seat.”"Restraining the words and the bile lingering in the back of her throat, Amber placed the paper cup back onto the table top. Softly, she tried to find the right tone that wasn’t just venom spraying wildly from her tongue.” A lot of the above is just a personal stylistic thing. If it’s a deliberate choice (and I can see how it would be), by all means ignore me. |
CWF’s Current World Champion
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| Amber Jaye | Apr 27 2018, 08:24 AM Post #5 |
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Thank you so much for that darl ![]() I don't expect anyone to blow smoke by any means- I like to know what people enjoy aboout my work and the direction they'd like to see things go so that I can factor that into my decision making
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![]() They call me observant. That's not particularly true. People are so easy to read- we bleed emotions even in the way we drink our coffee. No one seems to notice though. They're all too busy drinking their own damn coffee Record: 4CW: 9-5-0 Carnage: 12-2-0 CWF: 8-2-1 Life 0-1-0 [/i] | |
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| userpoets | Apr 27 2018, 09:06 AM Post #6 |
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I've been meaning to write this for a while now, so my apologies for that. I really do dig the Amber Ryan character - the first person narrative, combined with the deconstruction of every other character and trope in the briefcase match. If I had to make one complaint, it might be that it's a little too intense. A bit of levity in the storyline segments would make the intensity of the promo stand out a bit more. But it does work for the character, so take my nitpick with a grain of salt. |
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Former CWF World Champion x1 Every generation needs a revolution Buy my book here! | |
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| Amber Jaye | Apr 30 2018, 11:02 AM Post #7 |
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When you say 'little too intense', in what regard do you mean and how would you propose to incorporate more 'levity' out of curiosity
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![]() They call me observant. That's not particularly true. People are so easy to read- we bleed emotions even in the way we drink our coffee. No one seems to notice though. They're all too busy drinking their own damn coffee Record: 4CW: 9-5-0 Carnage: 12-2-0 CWF: 8-2-1 Life 0-1-0 [/i] | |
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| Amber Jaye | May 17 2018, 09:18 AM Post #8 |
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Its that time again kiddies ![]() Anything on my newest 'Code Red Chronicles: Out In The Incognito' |
![]() They call me observant. That's not particularly true. People are so easy to read- we bleed emotions even in the way we drink our coffee. No one seems to notice though. They're all too busy drinking their own damn coffee Record: 4CW: 9-5-0 Carnage: 12-2-0 CWF: 8-2-1 Life 0-1-0 [/i] | |
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| userpoets | May 17 2018, 09:34 AM Post #9 |
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To answer your last question which I somehow missed, Amber Ryan is 100% intense and focused all the time, and that can be mentally exhausting. Having a bit of a sense of humor, or more sarcastic insults instead of straight up insults to the people Amber speaks with. I think you did this pretty well in your most recent RP with being "a nose picker and a flasher with rapist glasses" etc. Match talk was top of the line as well, as was your MJF digression. I'm actually really glad that you included that since I included MJ's take on her actions in my RP, so we can see the different points of view. Silas is in trouble. |
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Former CWF World Champion x1 Every generation needs a revolution Buy my book here! | |
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| Amber Jaye | May 19 2018, 07:14 AM Post #10 |
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I get that, the character is definitely sarcastic which I feel might get little lost in translation sometimes. I'll admit I do find the humour thing a little difficult without being in a collaboration at times cause its easier to draw that dry sense of humour out when you have someone else to bounce off rather than your own head I think lol |
![]() They call me observant. That's not particularly true. People are so easy to read- we bleed emotions even in the way we drink our coffee. No one seems to notice though. They're all too busy drinking their own damn coffee Record: 4CW: 9-5-0 Carnage: 12-2-0 CWF: 8-2-1 Life 0-1-0 [/i] | |
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There are a few sentences that would have worked better broken up into several sentences. Examples: "With a spark of defiance Amber recognized in Rose’s grandson right before he stuck a proverbial knife between her ribs, Rose MacMillan went to stand. However, Amber shook her head slightly whilst taking the older woman by the hand firmly and without malice.” "Whether Amber actually was or not was entirely irrelevant. However, her statement had enough of an effect. Rose MacMillan straightened with her free hand before quietly and primly resigning herself back to her seat.”"Restraining the words and the bile lingering in the back of her throat, Amber placed the paper cup back onto the table top. Softly, she tried to find the right tone that wasn’t just venom spraying wildly from her tongue.”