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| The Champ... IS... Somewhere! | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Mar 20 2018, 01:58 PM (165 Views) | |
| userpoets | Mar 20 2018, 01:58 PM Post #1 |
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So MJ Flair has been here for about four months, won some, lost some, beat the Jacehole, made a friend of Freddie Styles, Duce Jones, Caledonia, made an enemy of Ryan Sunset, Jay Mora, and the jury's still out on Jace. What do we like, what don't we like, what needs to be explained better? Let'er rip. |
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Former CWF World Champion x1 Every generation needs a revolution Buy my book here! | |
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| The Weaver of Dreams | Mar 20 2018, 02:17 PM Post #2 |
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I like that despite her young age you have am extremely solid backstory and framework for her within which she operates. That being said, this doesn't mean that you are formulaic, but it's a living thing (I know, odd thing to say about a fictional character like this, but you get the point) and things move this way and that way. It is a bit like I tried to establish with The Shadow as well, have a firm foundation you can use to centre things and and then build up on it. To me it is obvious in almost every aspect that you are a real veteran in this, because you don't resort to cheap tricks to gather heat or one-up the opponent, you make MJ and her universe feel like it really exists. The character adapts to whatever the story brings in and whatever situation you are being dumped into and that is one of the reasons why you managed to rise to fame so much so fast in here. Happy you made the decision to join us fully, CWF is so much stronger with you! The only thing that drives me nuts are the "y'know" word mashups, but that is a personal thing... |
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| userpoets | Mar 23 2018, 10:39 AM Post #3 |
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http://s6.zetaboards.com/CWF_Wrestling_Forums/topic/10033103/1/ New RP posted. I'd also like to make a request for this next show (and for any RPs that are in the midst of being written) - to keep in line with an idea that was put forth in this RP. If you feature Tara Robinson in your RP or segment, and your wrestler directly disrespects her, I would like to see her drop the microphone and leave. This should not affect what you're going to say since most of the time, the wrestler just barrels on with his or her point - but that little bit of detail would be a great character moment for her. Thanks. |
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Former CWF World Champion x1 Every generation needs a revolution Buy my book here! | |
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| The Weaver of Dreams | Mar 23 2018, 11:17 AM Post #4 |
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Excellent rp. I assume you'll want to hear a little bit more, though. I like how you manage to package story, character development and morale all into one neat package at the bar, easy to read, but the dialogue is very well executed and has great flow. Also nice to have the follow-up towards the end of "the day after" I also like that you bring in little details that just make things more personable and interesting to read instead of the usual cut and dry stuff.I also really l like that you are sticking up for Tara and also are creating a bit of a girl's club, so the ladies have a platform to work off to fight the same old stereotypes. It opens up a nice little side story that others can work off as well. Match talk is not extensive, but you really make all the points you want to make and I feel that if you would have expanded on them more, you would have diluted the impact, so great job on that. Mr. Marksman is really going to have to bring it this time to win this, can't wait to read his! |
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| userpoets | Mar 23 2018, 11:39 AM Post #5 |
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Much appreciated, sir. I do best when my character(s) can have conversations, hence I've always had a manager character, whether face or heel. I hope the Adrian Evans introduction goes over well with the fed enough that he sticks around. |
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Former CWF World Champion x1 Every generation needs a revolution Buy my book here! | |
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| The Weaver of Dreams | Mar 23 2018, 12:05 PM Post #6 |
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I couldn't see why he wouldn't go over well |
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| Ataxia | Mar 23 2018, 12:33 PM Post #7 |
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The Good: All the single ladies all the single ladies...jk. I loved how you've incorporated others in this to make it work really well. It feels like a continuation of the show, sorta like an After Hours CWF show. Good use of the setting. One of the hard parts for me with Ataxia is setting because in today's world you see a guy wearing a burlap sack homeland security is going to be using him for a muppet. So the fact you used the drinking age, the bar, I could almost picture the scene in my head from the description if that helps. It reads really well. You know your character well enough to show weaknesses, you introduced us to a new character who is definitely going to be an interesting match with MJ. I picture if Charlotte Flair was being managed by William Regal a bit when this guy started talking and I marked out. I think you talking about the previous champions also helped to establish that you are different and this RP is definitely hitting that you are a different kind of champion, but what makes you the right champion? More on that in a minute. I got to see a lot more of her side of being a multi-generation wrestler in this as well as your previous RP against me, Shad, and Dory when you had Duce's dad meet your dad. I like the "this is just how it is" kind of lifestyle you lead here. It works. It's not glamorized or shunned. It's just a night out with the girls. I liked how you also keep it in line with what is going on with everyone else from Cala and Tara. Great stuff. What needs improvement: I love a good story in a RP, but the point of this to me is always the promo against the next opponent. As much as I loved the story here the slight breaks that were very minimalist in actually tearing apart your opponent. That's great if that is your style, but as a defending champion I felt like if anything in the RP was a letdown it was the trashtalk. It's not bad. It's just not as defined as the rest of the RP. You use it for scene breaks, which is fine, but the whole point of it was using the "Island of Misfit Toys". Which was a great jab at Mora and bringing up his background, but you did touch on something that I felt you could have done more with. The front office. Why did they give this guy this match instead of Freddie? Well you could say it's because they "fear the freddie", or they want to save it for a pay per view when this match is obviously just a curtain jerker with Mora to you. You got this confidence thing with MJ that is borderline cocky which I love but I felt like you held back a bit with the prospect of this guy you've faced before. I felt that Mora wasn't the focus of the roleplay other than a few quick thoughts. And to me that doesn't really work for a world title holder in CWF. Let me clarify what I mean here. Every match for the world champion is a stressball of sorts. You lose a non title match to this guy maybe he's who you face at the pay per view again. If he beats you once that gives them the confidence to go maybe again. You just barely beat Sunset with all of his shenanigans. So I feel like there isn't enough paranoia with the current administration about this situation. Now they are not going to have you in a position to lose the belt again before the pay per view, but that does not mean that they aren't trying something. Is The Marksman the hitman Sunset has coming for you? Who is waiting in the wings? You name dropped four people. Now you can trust that Cala and Tara aren't going after your title, and that is your circle, but who else. You got five potential opponents coming up in the unhinged match. Shadow, Nez, Ataxia, Duce, and Amber. On top of that you got your world title match coming up in Japan? Are you nervous about the rabid fanbase? What kinda shit are they gonna pull to get you there because everyone will be tuning in to see what hell you are going to be put thru as the champion. I didn't feel that pressure from MJ in this position. Before when she isn't wearing the belt it's fine. It's perfectly fine, but once you're at that level especially as a first time champion there should be a sense of tension there that I'm not getting as a reader and that takes away from the amazing storywork you've done. I don't think it's bad. I just think the motivation isn't there as much as telling this really nice slice of life on the road story. I'd give the RP as a whole a 9 out of 10, but the one thing I'd still work on is those motivations and psychology of the trashtalk. Hope that helps. <3 |
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| userpoets | Mar 23 2018, 12:41 PM Post #8 |
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That's fair, I think. The Unhinged competitors as potential challengers - plus the weight of being a defending Champion in Japan are all things I've already got notes on for Unhinged itself, so don't you worry about that. The rest of the points you made are also extremely valid, but to talk detail would be to tip my hand for the upcoming few shows, so you'll just have to wait. The feedback is much appreciated, my friend. |
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Former CWF World Champion x1 Every generation needs a revolution Buy my book here! | |
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| TheLostBoys | Mar 25 2018, 01:46 AM Post #9 |
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I really like the MJ character; a consummate fighting-face who is grounded and humble with a mostly believable backstory and concept and in your rps you always emphasise the human aspect of Mariella, which makes for interesting and engaging writing. I like how you are getting involved with other characters, especially non-active characters and including them in the growth and development of Mariella. Now personally there have been times where I've struggled to maintain engagement when reading because of the length of the rps. There have been moments where I've been bogged down by scenes or dialogue that doesn't seem to go anywhere, seems rather redundant and I wonder why it's been included. That's really what it comes down to for me. With that being said this week's was much better with that. The story is brilliant, an organic entity, and I'm privileged at being allowed to watch this young champion grow both as a wrestler and as a person. Aside from conciseness your writing is almost always impeccable and it's great how you're always on top of the goings-on of the fed and its competitors. Match-talk didn't feel as strong as it has been. It's well-written and definitely gets the point across but seemed to take a bit of a backseat. Besides all that, you have proven time and again why you are the current World Champ and I am just enjoying MJ as a whole. |
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| userpoets | Apr 8 2018, 11:17 AM Post #10 |
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http://s6.zetaboards.com/CWF_Wrestling_Forums/topic/10035290/1/#new And the Champ is in Japan. |
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Former CWF World Champion x1 Every generation needs a revolution Buy my book here! | |
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| The Weaver of Dreams | Apr 20 2018, 10:45 AM Post #11 |
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This was one beast of a roleplay and on several levels as well. With something this big and different locations and segments it is easy to lose the flow or overload, but you managed to keep this flow intact and despite being a very long roleplay, it never drags on. You weave meetings with the press, a lunch, direct talk at Mora and all that together, so you can picture the sequences and cuts and they just work. While managing to hit Marksman during the match talk, you also touch upon the potential opponents through the briefcase match and further the interaction with Adrian, firmly establishing him as part of the Flair universe, so there also is great character development happening. It is nice to see that it's possible to keep the focus for the match within all that and I think that is, where you struck the winning chord here, while maybe not as hard hitting and personal as Marksman in the match talk, it is the multi-dimensionality that to me pushes yours ahead. As I had mentioned in my feedback to him, it is a fine line between determination and stubbornness and it is the same between focus and tunnel vision. And this is one trap he fell into and that you avoided very, very well. I had also mentioned above that it is easy to overload a roleplay with trying to bring in too much and you found the right recipe to still add to the overall storyline, but not drowning it. In this form it'll be hard to get that belt off you, but with Amber I have "hope", so to say, haha. All I can say is that I always look forward to reading your rp's, because (as weird as it may sound from someone whose roleplays are anything but) they are very old school and down to earth. There's no "funky" stuff, no killing, mind control, battles and other stuff like that, but someone who knows how to grind it. |
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| Caledonia | Apr 21 2018, 06:51 PM Post #12 |
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Alex has said most of what I would want to say in terms of positive things, so I shan’t echo overmuch This was a good piece, all of the Japan scenes flowed well and I feel like we got insights into MJ’s character. The only point I will echo is that it’s nice to have someone who’s down to earth (much as I love the SSRI plot)... BUT your character exists as more than just a wrestler. She’s dedicated to her job, for sure, but she’s recognisable as a human being above just being a wrestler. The criticism I would make is in the match talk. Not in the words, mind you, all of it is pointed and valid criticism of your opponent’s character. But it’s the part where I have the hardest time “seeing” what’s happening. And I’ve just now been able to put my finger on why that bothers me here, where it doesn’t in, say, Amber’s piece this week. Directly addressing your opponent is a great way of doing match talk/promo stuff - but doing it without a description of your character’s actions works better when it’s part of an inner voice; that is, when your RP is written in novel format. Amber’s piece switches between first and third person (arguably) going between match talk and character development. But it’s still novel format. Whereas your piece is mostly in screenplay format, and it’s less clear what the format is with the match talk sections. As I’ve said on all three pieces of feedback I’ve left today, this is just a personal stylistic thing. But yeah - while the promo parts were great, well written, etc., they throw me off a bit with the formatting. Between the short lines and the lack of “description,” for want of a better word. Not that it detracts overmuch. There’s a reason you’re World Champion, and this is it. |
CWF’s Current World Champion
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| The Weaver of Dreams | Apr 28 2018, 10:51 AM Post #13 |
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Very good and flowing roleplay again. The kind of diary style works very well for MJ and it is refreshing to see someone "normal". I think this is one thing that makes MJ so relateable (relatable? how do you spell this word? Or does it even exist??), you get an insight into what she does and thinks outside of the CWF environment, where it obviously also shows how well thought out her whole character and surroundings are, because everything is tied together and it reads almost autobiographical compared to just straight-cut promos. The match talk is on point, especially for someone that does not give a whole lot of things to grab onto, but I liked that you took a different route than most and point out positive sides instead of just trying to break down the opponent, but you still manage to make it work in your favour. With the form you've been showing in the last few weeks it will be extremely difficult to wrest that belt from your hands, so it will be interesting to see, who will be able to step up to the plate and get it done! |
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| userpoets | Apr 28 2018, 02:33 PM Post #14 |
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I appreciate that, sir - and I'll be on yours in the next day or two. Anyone else who's interested and wants to make it easy, the RP that Alex is talking about is right here: http://s6.zetaboards.com/CWF_Wrestling_Forums/topic/10037019/1/ |
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Former CWF World Champion x1 Every generation needs a revolution Buy my book here! | |
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| The Weaver of Dreams | Apr 28 2018, 03:40 PM Post #15 |
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This is what we call preemptive feedback
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| userpoets | May 17 2018, 09:17 AM Post #16 |
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So we're hoping to retain our title against Caledonia... what helps, what doesn't?
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Former CWF World Champion x1 Every generation needs a revolution Buy my book here! | |
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I also like that you bring in little details that just make things more personable and interesting to read instead of the usual cut and dry stuff.
This was a good piece, all of the Japan scenes flowed well and I feel like we got insights into MJ’s character. The only point I will echo is that it’s nice to have someone who’s down to earth (much as I love the SSRI plot)... BUT your character exists as more than just a wrestler. She’s dedicated to her job, for sure, but she’s recognisable as a human being above just being a wrestler.