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Topic Started: Mar 17 2018, 11:02 PM (150 Views)
Mia Rayne

Didn't really think I'd utilize this board at all, but I'm honestly pretty proud of this week's rp and would appreciate any and all constructive critiques.

Or you know, you could always just shower me with praise. Either way I'm fine.... ;) :D :P :P :P :P
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TheRealDC

The one thing I would suggest right off the bat, is some kind of formatting to distinguish between the narrator and the inner monologue. It'll help out a little more with the conflicting attitudes, and there could be some fun ways to play around with it. Kinda like how in Deadpool comics he has different thought boxes, and talks to them. Maybe not to the extremes that his are written, but it could serve as the tale of two minds.

Quote:
 
Mia grunted in frustration as she pushed Peyton back into the dark recesses of her mind where she belonged. Bitch was weak and didn't deserve that of a functioning human. She was where she belonged. For now. As she finished her last workout of the day she focuses on the doll that was gifted to her the previous week from her "Friendly Admirer." Her eyes narrowed on it and she cocked her head at it, as if it just asked her a confusing question.


I admit I could be wrong in how I interpreted it, but as I was reading it seemed like there were two voices in the description. So if I am, ignore me.

Other than that, it was a creepy little roleplay. Definitely wouldn't wanna go anywhere near this chick, but I guess that would kinda be the point if you're trying to get across that shes unstable. It did get a tad nonsensical. It's fine to want to cause mayhem, carnage, or madness, but if you win you get to move on to get a chance at a WHC match. To hurt someone is to beat them, to beat them is to win. You almost sell yourself short by not at least contemplating the victory. Peyton is so impressed with her newfound physical prowess, yet finds no desire to challenge Mia to harness that to win.

I'm spiraling. Either way, I did enjoy the read, came out with more curiosity and I look forward to reading more.
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userpoets
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I really just need to echo DC for most of it - separating out the voices would be immensely helpful. Beyond that, I enjoyed it. The dichotomy of the two personalities pulling for different things gives a fresh perspective to the game that I think has been one of the more creative offerings since you joined. Keep doing the things.
Former CWF World Champion x1

Every generation needs a revolution


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The Weaver of Dreams
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Mia is nuts. Plain and simple. I know that this is your goal to portray and you are succeeding. I like how you are developing the Mia/Peyton relationship and do so without resorting to the usual split personality thing. I'm happy that after a slightly rocky start you seem to be finding your own here and getting involved in storylines and other characters is just going to help you along so much more to further develop.

I know it will resemble an echo chamber now, to be making the two characters' voices more distinctly, uh, distinct while reading would indeed make it easier to follow, because it'd give it more flow. But that's a technicality that is easy to solve.
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Mia Rayne

In all honesty I type my rp and post with very little formatting.

Mia is the crazy chick that everyone in CWF knows, but Peyton is the original personality if that makes sense. I want to perceive her as nuts and in all honesty I built the Mia personality around wanting to hurt, maim, destroy, and enjoy the flames burning around her. This is honestly my first time trying out writing from this perspective, so thank you for the critiques.

Honestly, I'm not sure how to differentiate between the two voices, unless I resort to an age old template of

Peyton:

Mia:

.............

Which at the end of the day is doable. I do enjoy the nonsensical approach and feel that the rps themselves have developed. I enjoyed breaking the 4th wall in the one and if I can figure out how to do it more often without being over the top, I'll take advantage and do it... I think.

Any suggestions on how to better differentiate the voices, I'm open to them and will try to implement something new this week 😊😊😊

Thanks for the input!!
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userpoets
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Regular writing is fine. For the internal struggle between Peyton and Mia? Bold and italics.

Mia could be bold to signify her current dominance in the brain, while Peyton could be italicized, which typically looks smaller and 'weaker' so to speak, signifying that she's fighting from underneath.
Former CWF World Champion x1

Every generation needs a revolution


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Mia Rayne

Easy enough. I shall take your suggestions to heart 😊😊
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Ataxia

MY SWEET BABOOO!!!

Anyway. First off I love what you are doing and I like the suggestion already made for the italicized and bold for the dominate persona, my only concern is if they ever switch roles, dunno if that's possible or not with your storyline but it's an idea, that might confused the viewer if you pull that. Just something to consider I still think it's a good idea but you might wanna keep the italicized speech for Peyton and then bold and italicize it when Peyton is dominant. Just a suggestion if you want to go that route.

I think something that might help establish a bit more of the "world inside the mind" of your character would be to maybe check out the marvel show Legion since it deals with a lot of inside the mind stuff. Another character this one reminds me of, and I'm only bringing these up because these are good characters and such that might give you some ideas with a similar issue, is Typhoid Mary from Marvel Comics. Also the dream sequence was great in this last RP. You can definitely tell the two are very distinct now that we've gotten to know them a bit more. The biggest advantage that you have with your character is the unpredictability, something I share with Ataxia, and you defintely are using that to your full advantage. So those are the really good points.

What you might want to work out: Aside from the distinction between the two I think we need to find your trashtalk voice a little bit more. Granted we can't all be experts in this part, but I feel if anything it's your weakest points in some of the previous rps. Granted you've also not had a lot to work with having to do with the Andersons handler basically saying I don't wanna fight you cause you're a girl...you can only do so much with that. I think figuring out what Mia wants out of the match itself might help you get what you want to say about your opponent. Case in point for your current match you went after your partner you've been paired with and you did a great job tearing apart the Andersons. But is that what Mia really wanted? Does she want to be hostile to Autumn or is she in such a good mood from Ataxia revealing himself to be her secret admirer that she's giving her a pass? Maybe she wants a friend? Maybe she is jealous of how Autumn's hair looks? Maybe she makes a comment about how she wishes she was more girly? Or how she wishes that maybe in another life they could have been friends, but that can't happen etc. You got put in a typical rp situation when you're new to a fed. You got a random partner that you are doing a one off with possibly against an established tag team, that you ahve fought one will be now three times and both of them twice after this match. I like how this evolved from last week's but you can keep going further just by asking character questions about how the character would respond. I think that would help you improve even more so. The story is great, the character is great, it's just the voice part of the match I think you need to work on a bit more.

Hope that helps. <3
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Mia Rayne

Ataxia
Mar 23 2018, 12:05 PM
MY SWEET BABOOO!!!

Anyway. First off I love what you are doing and I like the suggestion already made for the italicized and bold for the dominate persona, my only concern is if they ever switch roles, dunno if that's possible or not with your storyline but it's an idea, that might confused the viewer if you pull that. Just something to consider I still think it's a good idea but you might wanna keep the italicized speech for Peyton and then bold and italicize it when Peyton is dominant. Just a suggestion if you want to go that route.

I think something that might help establish a bit more of the "world inside the mind" of your character would be to maybe check out the marvel show Legion since it deals with a lot of inside the mind stuff. Another character this one reminds me of, and I'm only bringing these up because these are good characters and such that might give you some ideas with a similar issue, is Typhoid Mary from Marvel Comics. Also the dream sequence was great in this last RP. You can definitely tell the two are very distinct now that we've gotten to know them a bit more. The biggest advantage that you have with your character is the unpredictability, something I share with Ataxia, and you defintely are using that to your full advantage. So those are the really good points.

What you might want to work out: Aside from the distinction between the two I think we need to find your trashtalk voice a little bit more. Granted we can't all be experts in this part, but I feel if anything it's your weakest points in some of the previous rps. Granted you've also not had a lot to work with having to do with the Andersons handler basically saying I don't wanna fight you cause you're a girl...you can only do so much with that. I think figuring out what Mia wants out of the match itself might help you get what you want to say about your opponent. Case in point for your current match you went after your partner you've been paired with and you did a great job tearing apart the Andersons. But is that what Mia really wanted? Does she want to be hostile to Autumn or is she in such a good mood from Ataxia revealing himself to be her secret admirer that she's giving her a pass? Maybe she wants a friend? Maybe she is jealous of how Autumn's hair looks? Maybe she makes a comment about how she wishes she was more girly? Or how she wishes that maybe in another life they could have been friends, but that can't happen etc. You got put in a typical rp situation when you're new to a fed. You got a random partner that you are doing a one off with possibly against an established tag team, that you ahve fought one will be now three times and both of them twice after this match. I like how this evolved from last week's but you can keep going further just by asking character questions about how the character would respond. I think that would help you improve even more so. The story is great, the character is great, it's just the voice part of the match I think you need to work on a bit more.

Hope that helps. <3
Honestly?

You hit the nail(s) on the metaphorical head with that metaphorical (or real) hammer. My trash talking has ALWAYS been a weak spot (I feel at least) in my role plays, which is why I tried playing it off as a "requirement of her contract" to do a weekly promo segment. Something I look to work upon for sure and perhaps will lead to some fun shenanigans segmentwise for Evolution.

I have no issues on working with my trash talking and I'm hoping that it will only get better the more established I become in CWF and my status can be changed from "vet" to "Seasoned Veteran of DOOM! (+2)"

Sorry I'm rambling, lack of coffee is getting to me, which will be remedied soon with a Starbucks Glitter Frap if I can find one.

Thank you for the back feeding Snoogie Boogums and cheers! To our future as craziest couple!

**Clink**

;) :P :D
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TheLostBoys

Aside from the suggestion about differentiating the voices I like how you use font and formatting to help emphasise and express the struggle. The sudden capitalisations really highlights the internal struggle and the kind of character Miayton is. I also like how you want to keep everyone guessing on how's in control/who's the same one etc.
A very interesting and intriguing character, whom you manage to keep unique from other unhinged or multiple personality character to keep Mia separate.
From brief fb chat I believe this is a very personlised character which has definitely helped you out, when it comes to role-playing people often lean towards certain behaviors and tropes as its safe and they know it well and I do notice a bit of a reflection, which does benefit the writing.

As to the match-talk, definitely focus the writing (focus for an unhinged character-Oh the Humanity!), even if its just a few comments or actions from previous interactions with your opponent or recent events in the CWF, choose the ones you feel most poignant to Mia, the ones that Mia would react to the most and build from there.

You've laid some great ground work and hopefully you get more to work with as time progresses

:D

(Also I'm patenting Miayton)
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Mia Rayne

So...

Bumping to see what people think since the last time my back was fed. Feel free to give me feedback here or facebook chat, PMs, whatever.

I'm terrible at offering feedback on public forums due to what I've discovered about my own mental health. However, I am more than happy to give thoughts on a character in a private message or via Facebook chat, so feel free to ask and I'll reciprocate through one of those mediums. 🤗😊
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userpoets
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I get where you're going in your opening with Mia's life changing for the better since she hooked up with the Forsaken, but I think the money angle was a little odd. Does Shadow pay an additional stipend on top of Mia's fee to wrestle for the CWF? I get it, the money thing is just a little eyebrow raising.

Yeah, that's nitpicky but it's the only thing I found that wasn't 100% money in the opening segments. Really loved Mia's opening up, it's had to be a gradual thing because of her nature and because, like you wrote, "Miataxia be cray cray." :)

The stream of consciousness diatribe for the match talk was also spot on. I think you're finding your groove and you're on the cusp.
Former CWF World Champion x1

Every generation needs a revolution


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Mia Rayne

I'm honestly not sure. I was pretty stoned at the time I wrote this and was in the groove. I think I just wanted to get the point across that Mia's life up until she found The Forsaken, her life sucked. Since joining, she has found a boyfriend, her first ever I might add and has increased her weekly paycheck. She isn't used to good things happening in her life and was anticipating the conversation with Ataxia to go south.

But to answer the question about Shadow, he offered her refuge at his place for her until she gets on her feet
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userpoets
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Mia Rayne
May 17 2018, 12:04 PM
I'm honestly not sure. I was pretty stoned at the time I wrote this and was in the groove. I think I just wanted to get the point across that Mia's life up until she found The Forsaken, her life sucked. Since joining, she has found a boyfriend, her first ever I might add and has increased her weekly paycheck. She isn't used to good things happening in her life and was anticipating the conversation with Ataxia to go south.

But to answer the question about Shadow, he offered her refuge at his place for her until she gets on her feet
That makes perfect sense and in context, fits like a glove.
Former CWF World Champion x1

Every generation needs a revolution


Buy my book here!
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Mia Rayne

In a weird way the nonsense I write into my rps is accurate to the character. I do my best to make it easy to understand if that makes sense
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Caledonia

I really enjoyed this RP. The match talk was strong, played well into Azrael’s character and the history between Azrael and the Forsaken. But the strength for me was in the first half, the conversation between the “power couple” (and hey, back off there, Cali and Dan are the power couple of CWF!... as soon as she locates him :P). For something that came kind of out of nowhere, and was a product of true randomness, this has turned into one of the most enjoyable two-character dynamics in CWF. And honestly, this week was really kind of sweet. We saw more of Mia’s vulnerable side, some of the history that makes her herself.

Ataxia’s kiss could mean a number of different things. Taken as (I think) it was intended to be taken, it almost gives the two of them kind of a Gomez and Morticia Addams thing - creepy, kooky, mysterious and spooky, but a really good, supportive couple when it comes down to it, and one whose dynamics should be emulated.

Of course, if he was just trying to shut her up, then I take back what I said :P

But no. A good piece, should end up doing well at Paradise.
Edited by Caledonia, May 18 2018, 05:10 PM.
CWF’s Current World Champion
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Mia Rayne

Caledonia
May 18 2018, 05:10 PM
I really enjoyed this RP. The match talk was strong, played well into Azrael’s character and the history between Azrael and the Forsaken. But the strength for me was in the first half, the conversation between the “power couple” (and hey, back off there, Cali and Dan are the power couple of CWF!... as soon as she locates him :P). For something that came kind of out of nowhere, and was a product of true randomness, this has turned into one of the most enjoyable two-character dynamics in CWF. And honestly, this week was really kind of sweet. We saw more of Mia’s vulnerable side, some of the history that makes her herself.

Ataxia’s kiss could mean a number of different things. Taken as (I think) it was intended to be taken, it almost gives the two of them kind of a Gomez and Morticia Addams thing - creepy, kooky, mysterious and spooky, but a really good, supportive couple when it comes down to it, and one whose dynamics should be emulated.

Of course, if he was just trying to shut her up, then I take back what I said :P

But no. A good piece, should end up doing well at Paradise.
*curtsies*

In all honesty I was once a hopeless romantic at heart. Years of being single have turned me quite cynical when it comes to romance, so I think this might just be thaty side of me coming out.

Want to hear the kicker? Most of that rp, probably about 95% is true to real life... And I have another scenario to play out and recount as well...

Also, how can one be a "power couple" of you've lost the person to be a couple with? Once you find him, maybe we can fight or discuss it then... 😂😂😂
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