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Feedback thread for The Shadow
Topic Started: Mar 5 2018, 04:25 PM (248 Views)
The Weaver of Dreams
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Thank you once more for any feedback for "Expect the Unexpected".

Thank you and reciprocation will be attempted!
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TheLostBoys

You already know my high opinions on your ability to exposit and describe, which never fails. The level of detail helps readers engage and with the right language used can really help evoke emotions from the readers.

It's good to see that previous feedback has been taken on board as dialogue is much clearer and better organised now.

The Shadow always strikes me as a very paradoxical character, as his backstory and gimmick hints at something more sinister and dark then he actually is. In the rps he is still very much depicted as human, though I have mentioned before, I'd love to see how he came about his Druids and all the resources at his disposal.

As far as match-talk, you did well in making something out of what little there is with Azrael and you used that as a means to help develop your own character when juxtaposed with your opponent. Perhaps there could have been more to get a deeper look into the Shadow and personally I feel this may have not been your strongest promo, but when taken in the context of your opponent not sure exactly what more you could have done.
A bit of a tough one in that regard.

Enjoyable as always mate :D
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ChristianSTARR
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I have to agree with TheLostBoys, not the best I've seen from you but still an all around solid RP. I liked the inclusion of the aftermath from your match at the PPV and the destruction still all around the compound. And while I feel the promo work could've been stronger it's still very good and considering what you have to work with against Azrael I think it was a valiant effort.

I also like the suggestion of telling the story of the druids, why they're there with Shadow.

All around a very good RP. Keep up the good work.
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Freddie Styles
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Good job touching on the aftermath of the war with ELisha. You're adding small details to the followers, showing a bit of their motivations as to why they follow your path is a good thing. Is it a bit of a come down...sure, but that's to be expected considering the opponent and the stakes are different. Overall, a very solid offering to start this next chapter
Death is on the tip of her tongue and danger's at the tip of her fingers

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The Weaver of Dreams
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New rp is up and it answers one of the questions I've been asked by a few people :)

United we Stand, Divided you Fall!
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The Weaver of Dreams
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I think it's the curse of having an rp up really early, people are still too busy writing their own and then they forget about that lonely first one, all the way on the bottom of the list... LOL
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userpoets
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I really enjoyed that post. Even though he's one of the Forsaken, you get the idea that The Shadow is more of a loner and any loyalty he feels to Ataxia is one of mutually beneficial convenience, you know? But now he has three partners he isn't sure about so he can really only take them on face value at the moment, and there you are.
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The Weaver of Dreams
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Monsters Under the Bed

The latest rp is online, I would appreciate some words, positive or negative, either is welcome. Thank you!
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userpoets
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Promo segment was spot on. I think you made good points and good observations and followed up on all of them. No real comment to make there, other than two thumbs up.

CD segment was informative. Could've used some little touches, though - Thibodaux' entire appearance seemed to be for an information dump - which is fine, but is he Rain Man? Having all the info written down and him reading it off would've been a bit more believable to me. Small comments here and there - "The wingnuts who drove Eddy's father into killing himself" - "'OUR' research" - etc - tell me that Shadow and T have more than just a business relationship - even if that's all it is they go back a ways based on his appearances in your RPs to date - but they literally just talked about business. I know we're only showing what's necessary for the story and my own writing influences are probably biasing my opinion but the lack of anything other than the direct exchange of information that we need right now came off as awkward to me. Still well written and has my curiosity piqued, so don't pay any attention to me. :)
Former CWF World Champion x1

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Ataxia

As a character overall I love how balanced between the shadow and the light that your character is. He has his own moral code with the path he walks and he is on an impossible quest. It's very Byronic, aka the anti-hero model for those that don't know the literary term, in the fact that no matter what Shadow does, in the ring or out of the ring, it is nothing compared to what's been done to him. With the character arc of trying to bring his wife back it brings up so many gothic/english romantic period styles of writing in my mind. "The Raven" by Poe, "Frankenstein" by Mary Shelley, and even a bit of Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights.

The side characters are developed especially with your anti-SSRI druids. Each of them have a persona, and although as pointed out this last one was a bit of a exposition dump, when telling a story like this you're going to have a lull chapter where it's gonna happen. And happen before a pay per view is smart on your part. I think that the isolation is really conveyed that your character goes thru to the point that is a state of perpetual purpose for him to have conversations with people. If he's not bolstering the druids he has no use for talking. It's like it pains him to connect to anyone. That's a very hard thing to pull off so I compliment you on it. The breaking of that wall is going to be what defines Shadow as a character because of his pursuit of something he can't ever have again.

The only real criticism I have is that sometimes in your zest for chalk fulled stories that it does get a bit dumpy for exposition, but that's an issue with a bi-weekly schedule for some of these things as well. I think the more we get to know of Shadow's past and who he use to be might be a nice change for him. Your trashtalk is good for what you have to do, but of course that also comes with how things affect him personally. So unless it's losing to the SSRI we're not really going to get a lot of emotion out him and that might be where you might want to rethink your trashtalk a bit so it doesn't stale.

Other than that dude just keep doing what you're doing. We get our first match against each other in a few weeks muahhaha...
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TheLostBoys

I'll parrot Ataxia in saying that what I like about the Shadow is how for all extents and purposes he seems like an ordinary guy with just a few...preternatural quirks. It's not a big deal, it's just there and so isn't too distracting or disengaging.
The way you write him is very grounded and real, helps engage me as the reader and the way in which you have adapted to fit in with the over-arching narrative of the Institute has really helped you progress as a writer and as a character.
Detail has always been your strong point!

I really liked the intriguing sting at the end of the first bit. Got me hook, line and sinker.
I also have to appreciate in your previous piece you went out of your way to hint at the answer to a question I've mentioned several times lol.

Reading the match-talk I noticed a sense of poetry this time around. It's probably always been there and I'm only just noticing it now, so maybe it was more obvious and pronounced for a layman as myself to recognise it, but I liked it lol.
Again will agree with Tax in that the match-talk is well written but doesn't seem as impassioned as when there's personal stakes or embroiled in the heat of an angle, and since the Forsaken haven't really been a prominent group, with not much known about them, this seemed lesser.

I always enjoy your writing and have sung your praises many a time :D, so you do you cause we all know how much you rock!
Edited by TheLostBoys, Mar 25 2018, 01:31 AM.
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The Weaver of Dreams
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The Secret of the Runes

The big PPV roleplay is up and I'd love to hear how and if you like it. Or not... Thanks! I will attempt reciprocation!
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userpoets
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I found a logistics error that may not be an error if the druids come into play: at one point Shadow says that at Evolution it was 2 against 2, but at Unhinged it'll be 5 against 5. I know what you meant but something like "It'll be everyone against everyone else" might've been more consistent with the reality of the match.

Your match talk was thorough and to the point - more direct than Shadow usually is. My only real point of contention was that the runes at the beginning, it would've been infinitely more cool if you'd somehow found a way to tie the meaning of the runes to each of your opponents. Good job, though - the rest of the field has a long uphill climb.
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The Weaver of Dreams
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I know that it definitely is not among my best, but it'd still be interesting to get some feedback on Legions of the Lost.

Thank ye all.
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Caledonia

So, as you acknowledged, this isn’t your strongest piece. It was by no means bad, but I think it’s the inevitable result of first-show-after-PPV-and-we-had-an-off-canon-special-itis.

The setting of the promo section was great. The music added to the immersion of the scene, and really everything involving the descriptions of the scenes was really nicely done. I felt like I was on the ship. The promo itself, however, felt a little... unfocused. I think a part of it was the longer sentences - it’s not 100% out of keeping with the style of the Shadow to be loquacious, but sometimes they went a little too much so. An example is:

"On the one side you have the Lost Boys, proud Australians that are trying to take on the world, trying to change this federation, grounded in reality, on the other side you have the Harbingers and the Coalition, a construct by Silas Artoria, an illusion cast by him to further his own cause in the name of fighting the establishment - or is it all just a ruse to exalt himself over the others, using you just as mere stepping stones to get to his promised land?"

That’s all one sentence, when it’s really about three separate things. Consider:

"On the one side you have the Lost Boys, proud Australians that are trying to take on the world, trying to change this federation, grounded in reality. On the other side you have the Harbingers and the Coalition, a construct by Silas Artoria. An illusion, built by Silas to fight the establishment - or is it all just a ruse to exalt himself over the others? Using you as mere stepping stones to get to his promised land?”

I would also have cut the paragraph about why Ataxia wasn’t in the match. It almost feels like it’s diminishing yourself. If you wanted to acknowledge the slight strangeness of that particular quirk of the booking, it probably would have worked better as an “off-camera” conversation with one of the Druids.

I liked the focus on the fractures in the Coalition. I honestly would’ve liked to have seen more of that. After all, it’s canon at this point that Silas interfered in a previous tag title match (you’re welcome!), and that this caused a great deal of turmoil for the apparently-now-back-together faction. It would’ve been good to see more of you drilling into them, testing just how well-healed those wounds are.

Like I said at the start, this was by no means a bad piece. I think it just could’ve used some tightening and refocusing. Should be a good, close match.
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The Weaver of Dreams
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I would really love to hear/read some feedback for Tattered Banners and Bloody Flags, I think that I managed to find the right musical equivalent to the content and atmosphere, hope you'll enjoy!

Thanks a lot in advance, will give full reciprocation an earnest shot!
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Caledonia

So, the first scene is great, a wonderful introspection for the Shadow and his motivation for all of this. The Shadow’s grief is palpable, and we get some good insights as to his past and future.

I’ve given you some feedback on Messenger regarding the match talk section, but to address the specific point you ask about here: the music complements the truly excellent imagery very well. From the description of the scenery to the slow march of the Druids, this was a brilliantly described scene, and the music evokes the feeling of an army marching to war.

The only improvement I could suggest would have been to add more content. This felt short for a normal Shadow piece, let alone a PPV piece. Obviously we judge quality over quality (says the man who just posted a nearly-7000-word RP!) but it would have been good to spend a bit of time laying the groundwork for any potential plans you have for next month, probably between the Walcott scene and the March.
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Mia Rayne

I mean, I could repeat everything that you already know since we've had many a conversation about this. So I'll do a cliff notes version...

Shadow rocks. You're rp this week was direct, intense, and left me feeling glad that I'm on his side as opposed to against him. He's like a ruthless mob boss that one doesn't want to cross for fear of his wrath, but treats his compatriots like royalty. He's complex in all the best ways and yeah... Another character I truly enjoy.
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userpoets
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Have to agree with Dan - the content was good, but it didn't feel like you were getting ready for a big match. Could be opponent fatigue - don't know what went on before but this is multiple times now that Elisha and Shadow have wrestled. Even though circumstances keep changing, having the same opponent over multiple arcs can create match fatigue.

"More" is what I think it needed, but I'm not sure what else could've been added that wouldn't dilute the message. So there's that.
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J. Rish
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Not really the right thread but..great Church & State, even more pumped for Paradise now. :D
Edited by J. Rish, May 20 2018, 05:39 PM.
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