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Feedback would be nice
Topic Started: Feb 1 2018, 05:45 PM (68 Views)
TLS

Still trying to work my way back into writing rps that aren't 300 words. Constructive feedback would be nice.
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TheLostBoys

An interesting personal revelation into the life of TLS that gives the reader a glimpse into the stakes and inspiration for their continued presence. Also a bit of who they are. Hope to see how that develops and plays out more.
Interesting duality between the second job and then the assassin skills show-cased. Building alot of mystery and intrigue around the Lost Soul,

If the Lost Soul is going to refer to themselves in the third person I feel whatever they have to say would have more weight by saying the whole name and not abbreviate it to TLS, to me just seems a bit weird.

I am curious to know how the daughter suffered to make them so...malevolent.

All in all it is a solid effort, especially if it's pushing you out of your comfort zone. You have lain some foundations to work on for future rps and give others a chance to incorporate them for angles and respondent rps. So just keep building on it. Just be mindful of spelling, grammar, punctuation, the usual business.
For the match-talk, you bit back against Jace fairly well and had some strong comments for Stalker, but I feel you could have done more. Delve into what it means to the Lost Soul since apparently he is 'coming back dwon from the mountain' and competing in a 'shit-hole promotion'.
The match-talk is another way in which you can tell us more about The Lost Soul.
Do the Highwaymen Factor in this at all?
Diving deeper and stronger into your own character as well as your opponents could make it that much more stronger.

The effort is more than apparent and you have set a good precedent for yourself to work from.
Keep it up!
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TLS

Right on.. will return the favor once I get a chance.

Something I was hoping the reader would get was to question if any of the events earlier happened. Did he really kill somebody? Was it just a dream?
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TheLostBoys

Was that the reason for the 'screen change'?
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The Weaver of Dreams
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I'll echo what Dallas said and yes, even though the screen changed, we still do not know, if he woke up from a dream or if he woke up, because what actually happened is haunting him in a dream or because his daughter called him or because he hears his daughter call him, even though she is, well, not doing so good.

It builds intrigue, while still getting the match talk in and it is a vast improvement over your last few, because you are taking the time to evolve the ideas instead of just touching on them. Plus you manage to show The Lost Soul in a completely different light than would normally befit a member of the Highwaymen, since they are inherently a face stable. To this juxtaposition also adds to the intrigue around the character, but also lends a little confusion because of it, if that makes sense. It gives this feeling of impending doom upon his stable mates, what if the "true" TLS comes through.
Edited by The Weaver of Dreams, Feb 1 2018, 11:50 PM.
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TLS

TheLostBoys
Feb 1 2018, 11:38 PM
Was that the reason for the 'screen change'?
Yes. That was the reason.

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TheLostBoys

I think the following bit where you explain TLS on his bed does a better job of doing that, which gets kind of over-shadowed by the attention to detail with what the camera does.
But looking back I can see what you were trying to do
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TLS

The Weaver of Dreams
Feb 1 2018, 11:49 PM
I'll echo what Dallas said and yes, even though the screen changed, we still do not know, if he woke up from a dream or if he woke up, because what actually happened is haunting him in a dream or because his daughter called him or because he hears his daughter call him, even though she is, well, not doing so good.

It builds intrigue, while still getting the match talk in and it is a vast improvement over your last few, because you are taking the time to evolve the ideas instead of just touching on them. Plus you manage to show The Lost Soul in a completely different light than would normally befit a member of the Highwaymen, since they are inherently a face stable. To this juxtaposition also adds to the intrigue around the character, but also lends a little confusion because of it, if that makes sense. It gives this feeling of impending doom upon his stable mates, what if the "true" TLS comes through.
Right on.. I didnt even think to mention anything about the highwaymen and whats goubg on with that...
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