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| Here We Go; Tyler Anderson | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 30 2018, 08:59 PM (63 Views) | |
| AmbroseRollinsFan | Jan 30 2018, 08:59 PM Post #1 |
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http://s6.zetaboards.com/CWF_Wrestling_Forums/topic/10029317/1/ ---------------------------------------------------- It has been a long time since I used Tyler, so here is his very first promo. Tell me what you think |
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| TheLostBoys | Jan 30 2018, 11:11 PM Post #2 |
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I shall refrain from commenting until after the show
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| Freddie Styles | Jan 30 2018, 11:46 PM Post #3 |
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There needs to be more scene...more descriptors to flesh out what's going on. Also, you're writing as Tyler, but the why...why are you here and why did you save the Moxley...that shouldn't be just left to speak on by the other Anderson. Flesh out Tyler's thoughts on these situations, even if you don't want to give it all away just yet. Billy alone isn't a hall of famer...it's Billy & Tyler. Especially since they're hall of famers...Billy may have his reasons....but those don't have to be Tyler's reasons in full as well. Give Tyler more of his own personality, especially since you're reintroducing this team to folks that don't know the history and backstory. You promo talk isn't bad..but without some depth to the character, to me, it comes across a bit unfulfilling...like I need and want more to sink my mind into |
Death is on the tip of her tongue and danger's at the tip of her fingers![]() It's better to be a first-rate version of yourself than a second-rate version of somebody else | |
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| The Weaver of Dreams | Jan 31 2018, 12:12 AM Post #4 |
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OK. I am trying to keep this as constructive as I can. Some things may be a bit more direct than others, but I just want to be able to help you improve. First thing - please re-read your roleplays before you post. A lot of typos are easy to catch with even just one additional read, like I am sure the movie you are referring to is Peter Pan, not Peter Man, or here "should be very interesting to save the least." which should be "to say the least." I'm not saying there can't be any typos, they happen and it's normal, but if you find a lot of them in a roleplay that is not that long, it makes it look sloppy. Also please check your tenses, you constantly switch from past tense to present tense and back, sometimes within the same sentence, which makes it awkward to read at times. I know that I am sometimes guilty of run-on sentences as well, but this is probably the biggest downfall of the roleplay, very, very long sentences and no punctuation at all. A sentence such as "You may think this will be a walk in the park, but it won't be as you will find out why we are one of the best tag teams in this businsess as we don't stay down we keep on fightiing as you two will be our first victims as we work good apart but we work better together as you will not want to cross paths with Georgia's Relentless Son and Georgia's Pride and Joy ever again so Lost Boys prepare for the beating of your lives." with one comma is almost impossible to follow. There are five "as we" and "as you", but no comma. It makes the thought of reading it dreadful, not something you are looking forward to. I know that it may sound harsh, but we read roleplays etc., because they are fun and interesting and if it gets tedious, it stops being fun. I agree with Freddie, the promo talk is too shallow, it does not give you any insight, it doesn't propel your character forward. During the time you tell us that Billy will talk about this and that, you could have given your take on it and shown us something about Tyler's character. Same for "We have different styles, and we wear different attire that will show the difference between us." Now the reader would like to know what the differences are, take the opportunity to elaborate a bit at least, give us some insight. Also something you might want to try is give the promo talk more focus, because you jump between things and there is no train of thought. As example take this passage: "Now i wonder if The Lost Boys are from Peter Man, and I love that movie. Dean and Sam huh that is cool names, but really you have no clue who your dealing with at all. Rincon, Georgia is Billy and my hometown. You two are Aussies, and this should be very interesting to save the least." You go from mentioning a movie without elaborating why you wonder if they are from Peter Pan over saying that their names are cool, but they don't know who they are dealing with to where you are from and that because they are from Australia it should be very interesting. It feels scattered and while you touch on different things, you do not take the time to tell the reader why and it is confusing. Staying with focus, a sentence like "That name made Tyler laugh, and he kept his hoodie up on his head as it is blue as in his favorite color." does not make sense. I can see that the name of Lost Boys makes him laugh, but it doesn't have anything to do with his hoodie or the colour. Just one thing that also struck me, in this and also previous roleplays, that you overuse the phrase "you two". You do not address the opponents and it makes it feel like a generic roleplay that could be randomly applied to most tag teams out there. Other than mentioning that they are from Australia, you have absolutely no opponent-specific talk that would tie it all together. I know that you are trying to re-introduce the Andersons as a team, but good passages read very similar to what you have said in the last few Moxleys roleplays, where you also generalized and mostly said that they have no idea what is coming their way, that you are a team you don't want to cross or make angry, that you will teach a lesson, that you are one of the best teams in the business and things like that, which read generic. This may sound harsh, but I am trying to point out the issues that can be easily addressed with some more focus and some more care. |
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| The Weaver of Dreams | Jan 31 2018, 12:32 AM Post #5 |
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Oh, one more thing, maybe try to do a promo with both together. That would give you maybe more dynamics between the two of them, you could play off each other, have some dialogue, some banter, like Dallas does with the Lost Boys, would also avoid doubling up on the same thing and add some focus. |
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| Duce Jones | Jan 31 2018, 02:02 AM Post #6 |
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I really can't say nothing that haven't already been said. I think when it comes to tag teams, it should be more of a joint effort, I mean what's the point in saying Billy is going to address everything, what about Tyler? In my opinion if you're gonna have more focus on one particular character, then you might want to try the singles out for a while. I saw this with the Moxley 's, more of the focus was on Dean than it was for Seth, which in turn made Seth seem irrelevant. Proofreading always helps as well, atleast for the sake of having it make sense and easier to read. Edited by Duce Jones, Jan 31 2018, 02:03 AM.
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| Caledonia | Jan 31 2018, 09:35 AM Post #7 |
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So, I’m going to take a slightly different approach to the other two, having known the Andersons for much longer. Specifically, I’m going to compare Billy and Tyler at their peak, versus now. The BIGGEST thing back then was that the Andersons had arc stories. I confess, it’s been enough years now that I don’t remember entirely what the stories were about, but I remember there being four mysterious people (one was named Adolf, can’t think why that’s what I remember!) who dogged Billy Anderson for weeks, even months on end. It all built up to a huge confrontation. Now, obviously it’s soon to be doing that. BUT there’s no reason, really, that the two CD pieces you’ve posted couldn’t have been part of this week’s RP. Take the Georgia Reel, for example. It sets up who Billy and Tyler are, and says something about who they are in the context of CWF. But it’s not going to get counted. Same with Tyler’s video blog - that really could have been part of Tyler’s RP for the week. One weakness (and this is something that was true of the Moxleys as well) is that Tyler’s piece this week is pretty much just a single bit of promo. The only substantial thing we learn about Tyler is that his favorite color is blue. Not exactly bad, but not the most interesting character trait. Otherwise, it’s just promo talk, and in a federation where roughly 55% of your RP grade is based on character development, a straight promo isn’t going to cut it. So here is what I guess I would call a challenge to you. In your next RP (whether it’s next week or the Billy Anderson one you’re currently writing), have at least one scene that is just character development. I’ll give you a prompt, whether or not you want to use it is up to you: Billy and Tyler are at a bar in Atlanta, and someone at a nearby table is talking loudly about how country music sucks. How do the brothers react? Bear in mind that this is a good chance to show the difference in their reaction (or the similarity). |
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