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Pawn and Property FB request
Topic Started: Jan 30 2018, 03:34 PM (29 Views)
The Weaver of Dreams
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I'd love to hear what everybody is thinking of my darkness unleashed upon Sunset and Elisha :)

Pawn and Property

Thank you!
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TheLostBoys

That intro is quite the intriguing hook!
I also like how you explain the significance of the Ouroboros, but not actually reveal it's meaning. Very sneaky :P

Am happy to see you took previous feedback and made the dialogue clearly separate and distinct.

Interestingly, considering the Shadow implies some supernatural elements about him your rps show him in a more humanist light, dealing with some average issues and even having positive rapports with his Druids. It's a nice juxtaposition to the whole Demonologist and Soul-stealing (which isn't meantion much in rps I noticed).

What really shone through for me was the match-talk.
First off finding sensible, small 'actions' to break up the swathe of text was well done. Not disjointed and helps with reading.
But that''s a minor nod compare to the actual content of the promo itself. For me, this is how I envisage the Shadow, slowly peeling back facade upon facade, mask upon mask of all his opponents, exposing them and revealing their inner working. or me the Shadow is a cerebral individual and the comments about Ryan Sunset really emphasise this.
It was creative and incredibly poignant as usual.
The image...my guess is it was included just in case not many people would recognise Cthulhu? It may have been better to work in some action that justifies the picture within the rp cause it sort of just comes out of nowhere. otherwise a link at the bottom of the rp? I can understand why you included it, but it just feels out of place.
I'm also guessing since I believe you are working towards a 1v1 with Elisha you didn't focus so much on him in this rp. Understandable. What was said certainly works towards setting up that angle and it implies that the Shadow recognises the real 'threat', the true man behind the curtain is Sunset, so it doesn't immediately detract from the piece.

A few parts I needed to go back and re-read, as they felt awkward, a risk when writing larger tirades etc. In some parts I believe it's punctuation and grammar, while others I believe you may have been a little carried away with Shadow's specific speech patterns and used too many extra words.

This match, and the future angle against Elisha is one I am eagerly waiting for and as you build on what you posted here, I reckon it could be one hell of a feud.
Good job and good luck!
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Duce Jones

Well I'll say, I've noticed the growth of The Shadow character from when you first started. Your descriptions of the scenes are well done. Wish I had that taken talent at times.

I like how you still make the focus about his wife, with his discovery of pharmaceutical practices of the SSRI, makes this guys feel more personal for him.

I enjoyed the match talk, it shows a man not fancied by titles or threatened by authority, especially the way he went in on Sunset.

Keep it up, keep developing the character, I also agree that the Soulsearch could have been touched on a little bit more. But maybe we will get that later.
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Former 1x CWF World Heavyweight Champion
Final Academy Champion
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